The Onion

(Washington DC) As Republicans scramble to justify not releasing the Epstein files after campaigning heavily on their release, more concerning news has come from the White House that the president has begun referring to himself as “Doctor trump.” Multiple White House staff, who ask not to be named, say the president’s staff has requested all White House personnel use the new title when in his presence.

“We think a real doctor left a stethoscope in the Oval Office,” said one, “and he started playing with it… either that or he was commenting on how smart it sounds to say doctor when you have a PhD… look, we can only say he says he’s a doctor, and we’ve been told to play along.”

When questioned, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the new change. “The president is the doctor America needs,” she said at a fundraising event for a golden calf statue being planned for the White House Christmas. “The main stream media should go back to school, to try to keep up with the most brilliant leader of the free world.” She would not answer questions about what kind of doctor trump claimed to be, only saying, “he is the best kind of doctor, that’s all that matters.”

Trump was also vague about the title at his golf course in New Jersey on Saturday, while taking break from golfing in Florida. “I could be a doctor of golf, if I wanted… the Masters… only the Masters, I could play in the Doctors, it’s better than the Masters, I’ll show you, the Saudis did it, it’s very classic. Oh, what kind of doctor am I? Well why don’t you guess a few times, I don’t think you can get it but you can try.” He rebuffed many attempts by the press to guess, pausing only briefly before denying ‘Ultra-Money-Making’ as his specialty.

Democrats responded sharply, by stating that the title of Doctor is not something to be trifled with, and pointing out the many Democrats with actual doctorates or medical degrees. But some political watchers note that complaining, a common Democratic tactic, does not seem to hinder the president from doing what he wants.

Trump was still referring to himself as “Doctor trump” at newstime.