The Onion

(Kerr County, Texas) As Texas recover from devastating July 4th Floods, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, or ICE, reminds americans to remain vigilant of attempts to enter the country illegally. ICE reports over 800 foreign nationals have been detained near the flooding, with more being found daily, some actually turning themselves in at rescue stations with recovered bodies or grateful survivors.

“This man pulled me out of a tree,” one woman said, shaking, as her rescuer was led away in handcuffs. He spent an hour getting his boat close enough through the debris. I should have died.”

Her rescuer, 27-year-old Manuel Riveras, is a rescue swimmer from Juarez, Mexico, and was leading a team of 11 to help search for missing residents. All 12 of them were immediately put on a plane to Honduras.

“We have a serious problem, people,” the president said in a speech on Monday. “Elements of a Mexican cartel named ‘el Bombidaro’ have entered the country during this terrible crisis. Members are actively identifying themselves as Bombidaro when asked… that’s how brazen they are… and it’s dangerous, people, some of them look like you or me.”

Press spokesperson Karoline Leavit emphasized the danger Tuesday morning. “We are having problems finding people that can translate the Mexican, but we are extremely confident these Bombidaros are led by a man named ‘El Capitan del Búsqueda y Rescate.’ We the White House has a message for Captain del Búsqueda y Rescate… leave-o the United States-o.”

The Mexican Government says they have considered filing a protest, but realize it’s probably better to just meet their people at the airport in Honduras.