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The head of the one of the largest US endowments says OpenAI and Anthropic are in trouble
(www.businessinsider.com)
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My father abused and neglected me growing up, which intensified after my mom passed away. At age thirteen, I called the cops on him, which stopped the physical abuse, though the horrible things he said to me never ended until recently where he blocked me because I still wasn't good enough for him, which is a fact that is still blowing my mind.
My whole fucking childhood is defined by not being good enough. It didn't matter what I did, I was always wrong, and I was severely punished over the smallest things. Case-in-point, when I was thirteen, I had to write a paper. Y'know, five paragraphs. Forty-five minutes, tops, at that age. Problem: I had to do it on the computer. Double problem: my father removed Word, for some reason. And since it was the weekend and I didn't rush home and tell my dad on Friday that I would need basic fucking software every computer has, I deserved death threats, obviously, because he had to go into work and get the CD for Word.
So, y'know, this less-than-an-hour homework assignment turned into four hours of getting yelled at, smacked, thrown around, and threatened with effective death ("I'm going to throw you through every wall of this house until you stop moving"). He then goes to work. I am freaking out, hyperventilating, thinking I have the choice of death, suicide, or call 911. I called the cops.
Cop car rolls up. 250lbs of chewed bubble gum with a mustache waddles out. Accuses me of being on drugs because my legs are shaking and I have a hard time explaining. My dad comes back while he's still there; he realized I could have just used Notepad. Talks with the cop, they laugh. He leaves, my father bitches at me because that might ruin his chances at getting a handgun for hunting - a hobby he had stopped over a year ago by this point.
And here I am in the present day, just curious, what if I told him on Friday that I needed the computer? He would have still gotten pissed that he failed to keep basic software on his computer and had to go get it. The things he bitched at me about were always just excuses to hurt me. This always was the case. When he lashed out at me like this, it was never about me. It was about how his love life was falling apart, or how he needed to do something for his role as a father. I was just a punching bag.
The saddest fucking thing is that I notice myself doing similar things with my life partner, and I am apalled at myself sometimes, but I am ever so grateful he is beyond any man I've met, not just understanding and forgiving me, but actively being the thing that is reconditioning me out of this maladaptive behavior and thought patterns. We've been together three years now, and I've changed dramatically in this time. Learned a lot about the true nature of reality, too, and as a whole, I'm just better because of him.
Yet it's a bitter joy I have. My father is still the same. He still hurts my family who I'm also cut off from because my father is lord and his word is law. That's why he consistently throws out people he's close with; they challenge his perfection by calling out his bullshit. I don't believe I can help my father in this lifetime. At least I know I'm not going to be cruel to him as we move beyond this. At least he won't have that to carry with him for eternity. And it feels good knowing I am not a burden on that man anymore. Shame about what he's going to go through, though.
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Orange tip butterfly
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