Not The Onion

I quit reading when you started quoting news organizations

Do you even think about what you're writing for a single second before it spills out?

Explain how you're supposed to get information about an event outside your neighborhood other than a news organization? You'd rather that come from a government? Are you there to ask them yourself? No. So you're going to get your information about it from SOMEWHERE else. Maybe you mean something more direct like Twitter, but that can't be trusted since it's run by Nazis and overrun by bots and disinformation campaigns.

The people at the farm said they were Ecuadorian soldiers. I imagine they're able to tell Americans from locals fairly easily.