ADHD

you're describing it like you're both generic stereotypes of your conditions rather than individuals with unique wants and needs. just communicate with eachother.

Both me and my partner have ADHD. Both of us deal with the things you shared. One of us is more avoidant and one of us is more anxious. Does this create problems and challenging times, yes. But we are both committed to communicating the best we can, growing, and improving. We have been together about 20 years. I think any relationship has a chance when both sides are willing to at least match the effort of the other side.

The best advice I can give is to make it as easy as possible for them to talk to you. Try to be as perceptive as you can. I’ve been in a lot of similar situations, and when I could tell something was definitely wrong, I eventually realized there were better approaches than asking, “Is everything okay?” I started saying things like, “What’s wrong, and how can I help?” instead. That kind of phrasing made it easier for them to see that I wasn’t just checking whether they wanted to talk - I genuinely wanted to talk about it with them.

Try not to overdo it though, especially at first. Let them keep whatever they want to themselves. Leading by example can be helpful too. If they ask you whether something’s wrong and it’s something small you don’t need to talk about, kindly tell them you’d rather not talk about it. It might seem obvious to you that you can acknowledge something’s wrong without having to open up immediately, but it might not be obvious to them. And you can always explain it later if you want to.

It’s also important to remember there’s a reason they avoid things. If they know they’re the avoidant type, see whether they’re also the type who’d want to figure out why, together. Maybe they’ll even want to help you figure out why you tend to overshare (beyond the ADHD). That's important too. Let them reciprocate the help as much as possible.

Again, try not to overdo any of this. It’s a delicate balance. You will overstep sometimes, and you may have to be the one who notices that as well. When you think you might have overwhelmed them, give them some space. That’ll probably be more helpful than an immediate apology. You should apologize eventually, but only once they’re no longer overwhelmed. That’s also a good time to show them you’re not just sorry. You genuinely want to get better at being there for them in the way that works best for them.