I don't really know who to talk to right now and posting here seems a good idea.
So, like the title says, I think my marriage is over. For context: Me (F42) and my wife have been married for 9 years. We got married not even a year into our relationship and I had no idea back then that I had ADHD. Did we get married too soon? Yes and no. The problems didn't really start until around year 5, so even if we had gotten married after, say, three years, the outcome would have been the same.
Around two and a half years ago my wife suggested that I may have ADHD after things had started getting worse and worse. But although I was open to the idea it took me a year to get off my butt and get diagnosed and start treatment. Precious time that I wasted.
Now I've been on meds for a year and in therapy for around 9 months. Some things have gotten better but the core problem remains: My wife feels responsible for everything, is shouldering pretty much all the mental load and I seem to be unable to become the reliable adult partner that she needs. ADHD or the way I handle it has completely eroded our marriage and the love we had between us. My wife feels exhausted and trapped and I feel helpless because I feel like I maybe moved up a level or two in my "adulting skills" but I'd need to be a Level 10 to make our marriage work. Or make any marriage work, for that matter.
I feel extremely sad. I feel sad about the suffering I have caused my wife, who really tried to stick it out. Probably longer than she should have for her own good. Sad because I've been trying really hard and I see some people who have ADHD but who also seem to have an "overachiever personality" and they have their shit together so much more than I do. Sad because I wasted a whole year doing nothing. Sad because we used to be so happy together and used to love each other so much and now all that seems to be left is bitterness and resentment.
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Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who has has already commented and shared kind words with me.
My wife and I have been going over this many many times. I know what she needs and I am trying and a feel fucking sad about the fact that, maybe, we just can't make it work. But I also realize I'm starting to reach a point where being on my own is beginning to sound liberating. I've never had a problem with being single and I feel like at least then there isn't anyone I can disappoint anymore. It's just me and if I fuck up the only person having to face the consequences is me.
I just feel really bad because I feel I have cost my wife so much. She would have wanted to have kids and I've always been on the fence about it. I used to absolutely not want to have kids when we met, then kinda came around to the idea (when you're super in love it does become a kinda wonderful idea) but then gradually starting feeling more and more uncertain. And now I'm at a point where, regardless of whether or not I want to have kids (I don't have a desire to have them but could imagine having them) I don't think I'm capable of raising kids. If we had broken up sooner my wife might have had a better chance at having kids with someone else.
I'd be lying if I said I haven't been feeling awful myself. I feel like I'm under constant pressure because I want to "prove myself" and the more I worry about fucking up the more tense I get. The best moment of the day is when I go to bed because then I don't have to do anything for the next 8 hours, just rest and sleep. Can't mistakey if not awakey :P
And our relationship has been deteriorating for so long and we've both become so fed up with each other. My wife is fed up with me because I'm not who she needs me to be and I'm fed up with her because I feel like even if I try to manage something myself, take care of something myself, I don't do it the right way. Sometimes it really isn't (last week I almost set the oven on fire) but sometimes it's just a minor thing.
Maybe, as sad as it is, we're better off apart and would be happier on own own / with someone else.
Maybe couples therapy is a better investment than therapy for you individually.
Not sitting enough: is the issue that you are not working or that she doesn't feel you are carrying your part of the domestic work?
The issue is that I'm bad at "the mental load". Keeping things in mind, being aware of stuff that needs to be taken care of and taking care of it before it's too late.
For example, I do the dishes, I vacuum, take out the trash, no problem. But when there's mold starting to grow between the tiles in the bathroom I probably won't notice it for a long time and, once I do notice it, ignore it :P
Or, it took me over a year to finally get rid of our broken washing machine. My wife has asked me to take care of it and I said I would but then months passed and nothing happened.
This hits really close to home. Am going through my own divorce right now and my ADHD is a major contributing factor to the breakdown of our relationship.
I don't know about your situation, but my wife has too much of her own trauma to deal with my bullshit (and I say that knowing everyone has their own flavor of bullshit). She grew more and more discontent, and her trauma responses in particular were not a good fit for my ADHD
The "mental load" issue is hard for us, because a lot of the time we just need help learning or noticing. When you start collaborating on those things early it keeps the stress from reaching critical levels. But if the stress has already built up, it seems almost impossible for us to carry enough of the load on our own to bring it back down
I would ask my wife for accommodations like "if the laundry needs doing, leave the hamper in the hallway where I'll see it every time I walk by". Or "let's do the dishes together, or even just body-double for me, because doing stuff as a team is motivating for me and gets it done immediately." But by the time we realized what I needed, she was already too stressed out to see that as anything but "taking care of me" or "being a mom." It hurt like hell to now what I needed and have a partner who was unwilling or unable to provide it.
As the issues grew, our intimacy declined, which made me way, way worse and feel like the woman who already struggled to speak in my love language (unrelated to the ADHD stuff) couldn't provide what I needed anymore either.
I don't mean to trauma-dump, just commiserate. I feel your pain on this, deeply. I think people like us need someone to understand what they're getting into up-front so we can do the work together that keeps it from becoming a serious problem :(
Wow, what you wrote hit really close to home as well.
My wife had a very difficult childhood and unfortunately me having ADHD not being attentive enough triggers her personal trauma. We are a perfect match in many ways but in this aspect we are a terrible combination, our personal histories make everything so much harder.
Thank you so much for your words and I'm sorry you're going through such a hard thing yourself <3
Did your wife do the thing where they feel "if I have to help at all I might add well do it myself. If I'm not resting, it's no different than just doing it"? That was a huge problem for us because doing things by myself is the problem.