Mental Health

wall of text ahead

I need to get this out as it is burning in my chest and crawling at my mind and if I don't I fell like my body will give out even quicker than it will.

So mentioned before finding "peace" with an acknowledgement and how it feels like time has started to move forward.

But as time moves marches on, I am getting more and more agitated at the thought of the person I believe I found peace with.

I don't know if this is just a hidden feedback that now getting a chance to feel, like really feel that suppressed emotion to how I was feeling and not walking away from the red flags.

I appreciate the person for loving me and giving me good memories, but all that fades away in a wash of reddish grey when it gets judged against their repeated actions that (emotionally) hurt me and how I was not strong enough to just walk away.

How even up to the point where they said they realised what they did they were still having signs that put doubt in my mind that they probably really can't change as they have lived this life of speaking of personal improvement and have created this grand illusion to get them through life (which, to be fair, is more positive than what I have been doing).

But their actions during this time over the period of knowing them speak louder than the improvements they claim to have made - which I will give them credit to, they have made.

There is a saying "don't listen to the words, look at the actions" and those actions were consistent along the period of their "transformation"

It was wrong of me to hold them to a promise they said they will still be a friend, to still pursue a friendship because my ego wanted them to be a better person and that backfired in my face spectacularly, as they willfully chose wrong paths repeatedly and I was not strong enough to guide them.

These further mistakes feedback looped into the problems with what happened during the relationship where I experienced things outside of it that, emotionally, I hope no one experiences.

Like this is the reality, most people are selfish and I want those that were close to me to be better people, but maybe my ideals are too idealistic as I only end up getting hurt.

This isn't the first person that has did this to me, just the first person to acknowledge it and I was so stubborn to try and get this resolution. I think because I was tired of being hurt without the other person understanding why.

So I know I am doing stuff wrong, I own that. It is part of this mess of grey matter between my ears. It is just how unequal the cause and effect tend to swing.

I will use one example that is not too defamatory:

I know I need to be strong, but I am so tired of trying to be strong that I asked, as a friend, for strength and what I received was mechanical. almost detached advice and I tried it and what I wanted but probably didn't word it right was someone to help keep me going - purely as a friend to you know be a shoulder to lean on and gather strength again to push on.

But the moment I didn't follow exactly what they set, they pushed away and left me alone to deal with what they said I should do.

And their words felt so shallow and hypocritical, when they told me how I must be strong on my own when they always seem to have someone there for them.

Maybe they just got tired of trying, of listening and I know I was too autistic to explain why I felt so much mixed emotions that just got worse every time we would talk as they would somehow add another notch on that wound with their actions.

Now feel so bitter because I know that I will mostly likely not find someone and I might just cave and settle for someone that will just hurt me again in the future - either this person or someone else.

Because at my age, there is usually (I understand that not everyone is) just broken people and they (including) myself, just bring more misery either in the actions, words or mindsets.

To find someone that somehow is patient enough to even deal with me would be an undertaking I feel no one is capable of handling.

And I know, I cannot even consider even that before I have some stability in my life - because no one wants a loser that has nothing going for them in their lives.

It is like I want to scream at the world

Even if, by some miracle, I try get my life around - I still feel by all intents and purposes a failure.

I am in debt for an education that is worthless to me as I soon realised that I don't have the real world working aptitude for it, I am unemployed (I did recently apply for something that will probably be minimum wage but doubt I will get it) in a country where there is already high unemployment and my demographic is of a lower desirability - like it is enshrined in law to maintain quotas - so it is what it is.

This country it is either you know someone and they get you into a position or you get screwed raw because the employer knows your options are limited and push the boundaries to the point that they see how much value they can extract before you pop from the pressure.

I am in such a mental mess that even when I live with my parents I still have to live with a mask on to try keep the illusion of stability and I keep it on because they are incapable of understanding anything (and this goes right back to childhood) as I have tried in the past and it just flies over their heads- they are congruently ignorant (like when I discussed with them about my depression, many years ago - it was seen as this thing I was incapable of being able to handle)

I feel so much shame in my parent's home that I cannot even leave it without some reason.

The only reason we, the family, are not on the streets and I am able to write this is because of their pensions, my brother's disability grant and how family help to allow us to survive and I am getting so scared because as my parents are getting older I am getting more worried for my brother, who is mentally disabled to the point he cannot survive on his own.

I am an absolute mess from decades of suppressed and more visible (small) traumas that have built into this monstrosity of regret, anger, sadness and despondence that I never got around to heal because I was trying to "be strong"

Who knows what other emotions are bubbling waiting for the triggers and I am trying to heal, then the get thrown the narrative tells me "toughen up, bitch - no ones going to help you, you brought this all on yourself", but there is just too much for me to wade through.

I did reach out to a contact a friend suggested I try - it was church counseling and despite my "best efforts" they did organise a session where someone can talk to me 2 weeks from now.

And as I write this, I recall someone still telling me in my past -even more years back - that when I when on a emotional tirade (which I know isn't fair to people), I don't need a therapist, I need a priest to perform an exorcism so I guess that "prophesy came true" as I agreed to a phone session with a Father.

I am spent - I don't even know if this will help me, but I needed it out of my system as I feel like I am metaphorically coughing up the poison I have let sit in my body for who knows how long.