JayEchoRay

wall of text ahead

I need to get this out as it is burning in my chest and crawling at my mind and if I don't I fell like my body will give out even quicker than it will.

So mentioned before finding "peace" with an acknowledgement and how it feels like time has started to move forward.

But as time moves marches on, I am getting more and more agitated at the thought of the person I believe I found peace with.

I don't know if this is just a hidden feedback that now getting a chance to feel, like really feel that suppressed emotion to how I was feeling and not walking away from the red flags.

I appreciate the person for loving me and giving me good memories, but all that fades away in a wash of reddish grey when it gets judged against their repeated actions that (emotionally) hurt me and how I was not strong enough to just walk away.

How even up to the point where they said they realised what they did they were still having signs that put doubt in my mind that they probably really can't change as they have lived this life of speaking of personal improvement and have created this grand illusion to get them through life (which, to be fair, is more positive than what I have been doing).

But their actions during this time over the period of knowing them speak louder than the improvements they claim to have made - which I will give them credit to, they have made.

There is a saying "don't listen to the words, look at the actions" and those actions were consistent along the period of their "transformation"

It was wrong of me to hold them to a promise they said they will still be a friend, to still pursue a friendship because my ego wanted them to be a better person and that backfired in my face spectacularly, as they willfully chose wrong paths repeatedly and I was not strong enough to guide them.

These further mistakes feedback looped into the problems with what happened during the relationship where I experienced things outside of it that, emotionally, I hope no one experiences.

Like this is the reality, most people are selfish and I want those that were close to me to be better people, but maybe my ideals are too idealistic as I only end up getting hurt.

This isn't the first person that has did this to me, just the first person to acknowledge it and I was so stubborn to try and get this resolution. I think because I was tired of being hurt without the other person understanding why.

So I know I am doing stuff wrong, I own that. It is part of this mess of grey matter between my ears. It is just how unequal the cause and effect tend to swing.

I will use one example that is not too defamatory:

I know I need to be strong, but I am so tired of trying to be strong that I asked, as a friend, for strength and what I received was mechanical. almost detached advice and I tried it and what I wanted but probably didn't word it right was someone to help keep me going - purely as a friend to you know be a shoulder to lean on and gather strength again to push on.

But the moment I didn't follow exactly what they set, they pushed away and left me alone to deal with what they said I should do.

And their words felt so shallow and hypocritical, when they told me how I must be strong on my own when they always seem to have someone there for them.

Maybe they just got tired of trying, of listening and I know I was too autistic to explain why I felt so much mixed emotions that just got worse every time we would talk as they would somehow add another notch on that wound with their actions.

Now feel so bitter because I know that I will mostly likely not find someone and I might just cave and settle for someone that will just hurt me again in the future - either this person or someone else.

Because at my age, there is usually (I understand that not everyone is) just broken people and they (including) myself, just bring more misery either in the actions, words or mindsets.

To find someone that somehow is patient enough to even deal with me would be an undertaking I feel no one is capable of handling.

And I know, I cannot even consider even that before I have some stability in my life - because no one wants a loser that has nothing going for them in their lives.

It is like I want to scream at the world

Even if, by some miracle, I try get my life around - I still feel by all intents and purposes a failure.

I am in debt for an education that is worthless to me as I soon realised that I don't have the real world working aptitude for it, I am unemployed (I did recently apply for something that will probably be minimum wage but doubt I will get it) in a country where there is already high unemployment and my demographic is of a lower desirability - like it is enshrined in law to maintain quotas - so it is what it is.

This country it is either you know someone and they get you into a position or you get screwed raw because the employer knows your options are limited and push the boundaries to the point that they see how much value they can extract before you pop from the pressure.

I am in such a mental mess that even when I live with my parents I still have to live with a mask on to try keep the illusion of stability and I keep it on because they are incapable of understanding anything (and this goes right back to childhood) as I have tried in the past and it just flies over their heads- they are congruently ignorant (like when I discussed with them about my depression, many years ago - it was seen as this thing I was incapable of being able to handle)

I feel so much shame in my parent's home that I cannot even leave it without some reason.

The only reason we, the family, are not on the streets and I am able to write this is because of their pensions, my brother's disability grant and how family help to allow us to survive and I am getting so scared because as my parents are getting older I am getting more worried for my brother, who is mentally disabled to the point he cannot survive on his own.

I am an absolute mess from decades of suppressed and more visible (small) traumas that have built into this monstrosity of regret, anger, sadness and despondence that I never got around to heal because I was trying to "be strong"

Who knows what other emotions are bubbling waiting for the triggers and I am trying to heal, then the get thrown the narrative tells me "toughen up, bitch - no ones going to help you, you brought this all on yourself", but there is just too much for me to wade through.

I did reach out to a contact a friend suggested I try - it was church counseling and despite my "best efforts" they did organise a session where someone can talk to me 2 weeks from now.

And as I write this, I recall someone still telling me in my past -even more years back - that when I when on a emotional tirade (which I know isn't fair to people), I don't need a therapist, I need a priest to perform an exorcism so I guess that "prophesy came true" as I agreed to a phone session with a Father.

I am spent - I don't even know if this will help me, but I needed it out of my system as I feel like I am metaphorically coughing up the poison I have let sit in my body for who knows how long.

                                    **WARNING**

                         **Large wall of text ahead**

I hate always writing about negative things, but this is something that I did not expect to happen and I acknowledge that I am at fault as well for this situation.

I haven't been in a relationship since I broke up with my ex and the last thing I asked from them was to "do better".

Needless to say, they might only start to do that from yesterday, maybe not because in my twisted selfish desire to gain closure I have been on and off again friends with them and I got through to them how much pain they were and had put me through my life.

They actually stopped trying to be someone who was hiding being all the bullshit they were using over they years, their interpretation of neutral science, etc, reframing things and on and on.

And like I think I am coming to terms that I have a collection of neurodivergent conditions.... maybe not conditions possibly traits that probably made the whole thing an absolute nightmare to experience on both sides when I try and explain the pain I am feeling from their actions and how they try to rationalise it and sort of sweep it under the rug of "self-improvement".

They apologised sincerely for the right reason (and not a half-heart apology that didn't really have any real deep meaning behind) for the what they put me through all this time and in the moment it was euphoric because it was the first time I got through to someone who hurt me to actually understand what they did to me.

That is in itself is selfish, I can own that, and I can acknowledge that my pain is self-inflicted that I was so attached to care and look for that validation from them.

I even encouraged them to not break up their relationship after they came to the realisation of their actions,

And in the interest of that, they had to cut me off again because my influence was too much for them and could be a point of friction as they would want to come back to me.

I insisted I do not want to be a point of friction in a relationship she is finding to be in a good place. That I will not be as bad as the people I have been telling them to not be and who have hurt me

And in the last message, I told them to "do better"

And now that I found peace with that specific pain and getting recognition for it - which was I believe a decade too late (with added issues added along the way),

I am stuck with even more conflicting emotions it is like a decades worth of build up is sort of moving forward. Like that whole thing was something stuck for a decade and only now is time moving forward again and I am feeling all this other emotions that I never gave myself time to feel before as I never had the chance to actually try find closure with any relationship.

I am ping-ponging between all these confusing emotions as I think I attached to them as an emotional pillar.

Because I am struggling with all this other traumas, it is like fighting new monsters with the existing monsters and it is this like a Jurrasic Park of dinosaurs in a replicating battle royale.

There is elements where I hate the fact that I loved them and was stubborn enough to stick with them to have them try and "get it", that I was stuck for someone that was probably not worth it, there is the part I want the best for them and want them happy, there is a selfish part that feels like I want them and I can wait to sweep them off there feet, there is the part that knows that is stupid and I will just find pain again, but then there is a part where maybe I did change them for the better, but then again maybe not.

There is parts like why I am caring, they didn't care when they were doing all those things that hurt you, things that you know they will never tell you that would probably hurt you even more - why the hell are you so concerned for them.

Like I invested in them and my selfish ego wants to claim the dividends - that is metaphor and not like claim they are mine more I helped them be a better person and possibly a better partner and I will not be able to see any of that or be a part of that.

Selfishly, It feels why did I waste my efforts for someone that never really appreciated what I tried to do.

Then there that evil voice that schemes that I could probably win them over, but then again would I be any better than the people they were trying to find meaning in.

Would I be any better?

And this can go on and on for who knows how many other permutations and variations of thought around this and it could just keep going.

It is all so conflicting and I don't know if my ego is so fragile from all the trauma that I have constructive a narrative that this person will be a good fit for me or it is this delusional belief that I am so scared of being alone that I am gravitated towards someone that can feel love me in a life that I felt very devoid of that feeling and I needed peace to let them acknowledge that I did love them, I made mistakes and that I wanted them to acknowledge and actually understand the mistakes they are making as they keep making them.

And this against a backdrop where my prospects seem so bleak and when I try move forward I get gut punched - like I wanted to apply for a job, I did all the paperwork and just before applying I decided to look into the place I was applying to without the blinkers, I am guarded by from scammers and it gave the same vibes.

And now when I look at the the job boards I just see nothing I can do as I am not qualified(experience or qualification), not the target demographic, especially as I am getting on the older side of thing (not over the hill just yet, but in a bracket I know is close to undesirable)

I tried contacting a church based therapy place a friend provided before and that was also embarrassing as they seem more confused more than anything when I contacted them and I don't even know what is happening there, I provided my number but not sure if they have to schedule something before something will happen there.

In regards to the suggestions that were given to me I am still in a very chaotic place physically (less appetite, sleep needs to still settle as is also chaotic and some other issues)

I did look at a few places, they are a bit far out of the way:

The regards to charity locations, they are quite a distance from me to walk. Similarly, clubs are even further away

The strongest contender that I can see having potential is a martial art that I do know someone from high school who I could ask about, but I would need some saving aside to afford that, even though they do have the first lesson free.

I lost a lot of passion for the blog I was doing for myself as I feel like I write there and all that is happening is A.I. is scrapping it and making money off my work that I was giving for free (indirectly). It feels like I writing into a whirlpool that just sucks everything up and there is nothing to really show for it.

I did have a chat with a friend and is someone that doesn't engage when I lean into my mental state and I find that useful for me as it is like I am forced to re-calibrate from my current mindset to chat with them.

At least today with a chat I did thank them for letting me at least feel "normal" with what we were talking about (discussing their job and what they are doing) and that helped calm and distract me from the chaos for awhile

And I did contact another friend that has a very busy lifestyle, but thought to try reach out there as well.

It is frustrating I am trying to move forward, trying to be stronger for myself but there is like I have let myself get wrapped up in a tarpit and I can make some forward movement but it get kicked back with all this self talk that I also want something more with my life and it is always out of reach.

It happened today, I was in daze and just wanted one person to just talk to and in that daze I was blinded by that desire.

I ended up giving my WhatsApp number and age to a scammer, but my incessant babbling was helpful as they kept trying to be insistent and even got aggressive on the point of payment and it was like the haze was lifted.

I told them I was going to block them as instinctive retort in indignation, , reported the number on WhatsApp for fraud, reported the number to the ftc ( which i know can be spoofed), locked my Sim, added fingerprint and facial recognition.

Blocked the person on the app I used, deleted the account and uninstalled.

I alsoI didn't have a profile picture on WhatsApp although I do still fear they might have extracted enough data from me in my stupidity as I left a review, and I am in paranoia mode that I gave them a too much information already.

I don't know if it is mental decline or I have been mentally fighting for so long that my brain was working on autopilot

Just please don't be like me, this environment is a safe enough place and I was in the desire for human contact and even when I could see it was scam before, it did not register as scam in the moment.

So I usually go long winded and "intense" when I do these things.

So please note this is another long post.

But recently, I was on a involuntary "dopamine depravation", basically had no electrical power for 5 days and I was stuck in the home and by the 3 day I was I guess going crazy - I guess "lost in the sauce" as it were as my brain went into overload just going over a whole lot of negative stuff. I did sit outside during this period a couple times a day but by night time did the brain go into overdrive.

I had to physically and mentally(mostly) exhaust myself to sleep or try and find someone sort of temporary self-acceptance to focus on to remain calm.

It was like I have been ignoring my demons and it came out to play.

It was like replaying thoughts and trying to find connections to things, looking at why things make me felt the way it did and I was forced to at least try to be honest with myself with things.

When the electricity came back, it was a dopamine rush and tried to take steps to at least deal with at least one of the more pressing problems that was screaming at me.

Doing this and while confronting it, I sort of realise that most of my dominant memories which stretch back all the way to primary school (grade 1 and I am almost 40 now) are usually negative with the strongest almost having a strong resonance to reliving those experiences.

I can close my eyes and start popping off a lot of those moments down to roughly the year with hazy recollection of how it looked like but I can remember how I felt. Most of them are bad memories, especially linked to strong emotion (which I know results in a panic attack if it gets too much and go into "reset mode")

For example, the time I actually received some proper attention was years ago from a bad break up which led to going into a very dangerous place when I perceived the other person had escalated the problem.

Long story short - when I close my eyes and think of the moment I almost lost it my muscles tighten up almost immediately and I have a slightly accelerated breathing. When I tried explaining it while writing, my chest was getting hot, my breathing got heavier and I felt the adrenaline heat and excitement like activating fighter or flight as I was thinking back to that moment.

That moment was the angriest I had ever been and I was the pins edge of snapping and the student therapists helped me a lot with that anger, even had me sign a "suicide prevention pact". They did a lot to get me to calm down. I still use that anger as a litmus test for my anger and try to make sure I never get that angry again.

When I wrote the above, that my mind starts "recompute" to that event and my brain "locks in" and prepares interlocked points and it is sorted and "presented" to me with most relevant point.

Making personal correlations about living in the emotion when I recall things, I sort of stumble upon all these terrible emotions tied to memories is maybe the result of decades of built up traumas that have developed PTSD-like effects. When I "live" through that memory I can have vivid flashback, how my framing is like that is in the moment living that emotion and writing it in a way of how I felt in that moment.

I have carried all these small traumas over the years that have never been resolved like mental fly sticky papers and it makes me start to wonder why I have so much trouble connecting with people and how I feel like I am stuck in a tarpit.

If I had to imagine my inner self in a series of colours, It is like a raging black maelstrom with orbs or spheres of differing colours, representing an idea or person, swimming in it. So the story I just told is like a raging fire that has cracks but it is sealed and the core is stable. If I had to take a take something unresolved then it would be a sphere slowly being consumed as the maelstrom seeps in the cracks until all that is left is a a small sphere engulfed in darkness.

I am probably poor in my social skills from unresolved early development bullying and isolation - but I sort of forced myself to be able to be social when I need to be by, I think, observation and imitation.

My love life is atrocious and fraught with a lot of emotions that I feel became traumas and as a result I feel has also left me bitter with myself and lost hope.

I cannot even have the will to go outside unless I have an valid and tangible objective then I can walk for potentially a few hours if need be.

I mean I don't know much about these things so I did some googling and stumbled across complex PTSD, and made me think a part of why I am so miserable is I must be living in a state of some form of chronic PTSD.

I feel like have evolved my "addiction" to mental stimulation (currently writing is on rotation) because if I cannot distract my brain with something. I fall into this deep self talk which is generally a negative headspace where I think I guess I feed the unresolved traumas.

What makes it worst is the last time I tried getting mental health help through the free services here, it was not a pleasant experience. A friend of mine had to contact them and I don't know how, convinced them to call me back as they didn't want to contact me at the time after I told them I had issues answering the phone quickly (phone's speakers where broken so I had to plug in a earpieces to answer the phone). It was generally 3 rings and then hang up.

Anyway to paraphrase in less tactful way their response in summary was: get a job, touch grass and go back to the clinic, they have other people to talk to (number specified) which felt like "we have limited time and don't have time to waste on you."

And this really angers me because if I am not acting in a way that is considered high risk it feels like I am not being taken seriously. I mean stopped going to the free clinic when they stopped bothering to even discuss my mental state and it became a case of collect pills and leave.

Again apologies for the long post, I couldn't sleep and decided to try and express something that I feel could help get me closer to an idea what I might be suffering from as I never really got a formal diagnosis the last time I was at the clinic.

Curse you, Bark Anthony! https://lemmy.world/post/20225360

Compelled me to contribute

Image source: https://kr.pinterest.com/pin/464363411556861530/

Image author: https://kr.pinterest.com/kelseybbb/

I would like to preface there is some foul language and potentially dark musings that I am going to express...

If it is beyond acceptable measures and rules of the group I understand I accept it being removed.

I am really trying to win a mental battle, but I just can't win

I am engulfed in negativity, surrounded by voices of negativity, my past haunts my negativity, and feel my future is going to lead just to negativity.

I am a broken shell of an individual that doesn't want to be broken but nothing seems to break me free from my mental prison.

I have tried to keep it under control, but recently seems I am in less control than I feared.

An ex recently came to me via social media to ask for support for the difficulties they are experiencing in their life and in conversation something from the past came back to surface, which later seemed to be but a metaphorical vent in volcano as they wished to wipe the slate clean.

This gesture seemed to reverberate with a painful memory which is associated with an even greater painful memory sphere. This soon erupted into a tirade of expression that brought out the suppressed emotion of the greater memory sphere. This I thought lightened my burden and to try make up for my outburst tried to reconcile with selfless support, however a day after a conversation seemed to snap an even greater repressed emotion.

I was not hovering between panic attack and tears, but tears and emotional numbness, this continued until a point it seems my unconscious mind put a stop to it as I reached a point where I couldn't feel any emotion anymore, like I had just administered drugs. My body was just dead to emotion and tired and just empty.

It was like even soul was broken and just had enough and put a stop to it. All I felt like doing is just lie down and try and sleep, like some husk of a person just run bare. In the morning, the back of my neck sore and I felt empty still.

This individual undergoing their stresses has since pulled away and removed themselves from my life as they have their issues to deal with and I am too heavy negative presence to deal with.

The tangled web of suppressed fear, disappointment and anger is so ingrained that I cannot see anyone that would have the patience to untie it... I could never afford the amount of therapy to get help for this and even if I could I am so jaded by never finding any progress or answers that I fear all I will do is waste that money if I tried.

I say this from going to university, and seeing the student councellors and probably of the 10 or more I saw only one had any inkling of providing an diagnosis and another help conceptualize a slightly better outlook. The rest was trying to tell me my problems aren't my problems, seek religion, or just write down what i say.... every single one I seem to address a new issue almost like I was just trying to unload the accumulated burden of the past.

I will give acknowledgement to those that tuned down my most violent thoughts.

Although this is by and large ancient history, I believe the wellspring from which my deepest hatred, pain and fear comes from is the betrayal of someone I put naive trust in. It was the straw that broke the camels back and imprinted in me an incredibily destructive scar upon my psyche.

I acknowledge that I took their attitude poorly and acted in way that should have been acted upon sooner. But this wrong behaviour led to a day when this individual showed a group of people where I lived, which is with my family.

This action snapped something inside of me, it invoked an incredible surge of hatred. To punish me for my actions I could accept, but the thought of hurting my family for my actions was unforgivable and swelled me with an incandescent rage.

I say this as my brother is mentally disabled and the thought that he could get hurt for my actions fueled an anger I do not think I have come close to yet. This burning rage was always present waiting for a strike that never came, until under advisement of her mother said I should just write a letter out and just get it out my system.

My trust and naive constantly mocked as we worked in the same environment as she would loudly speak about her recandled flame with the boyfriend that had cheated on her come back together, with him even coming into the store on occassion where they make a public display of things.

The letter I wrote scathing and fully expecting reprisal... i wished to paint a bullseye upon myself and myself only

My mentality was that of a death seeker looking for one final violent defiant release. The day did come when I was threatened and I know fight or flight kicked in as I was filled with addrenaline, happy, eager, waiting for the first strike to be thrown. This was done while I was working and everything in my body felt happy to finally have this moment. But the moment never came and only threats for after work reprisal were given..

The addrenaline past, and my higher functions kicked in and soon realised what the fuck was I feeling, when finally confronted with release I was feeling eager smiling at the opportunity...but when it past that part of me scared the living bejeebus out of me.. i fell into a panick attack as I had no idea what the hell is wrong with me.

It was at moment, a part of me was scared I realized I wanted to live. The thought of what i was willing to through with was horrifying, that anger, that rage it scared me something fierce.

Just writing this makes my heart beat fast and hard like a constant knock at the door as I lie in bed.

I tried to seek some help but it was the before mentioned free university student services and that was met with mixed results.

But it seems this pain, this learning experience scarred me in the way that I was too stupid to process the real world and in doing so I almost caused so much hurt for someone regardless of the outcome be it in my death or the death of the ones threatening me.

I tried to to move on, but every attempt fails, always always something happens that draws me to the pain

I was incredibly lonely growing up, so much so I would go mad and feel like my head woud explode from the pressure, physical pressure of trying to make sense of it all. All the while I needed to hide my pain, my actions my thoughts to not make my parents feel that they raised 2 mental disabled children.

From that point on people that I would come close to would take advantage of my kindness, my trust and this further eroded my pysche, I tried to move on, but behind me was an every growing baggage that would get heavier and heavier to carry as each successive people would take more and more from me.. and add to this seeing such messed up things happen with people around them and it just made the problem worse and worse.

It my problem that I got so desparate for some form of affirmation that the only people I seem to draw were the wrong type of people...

I mean this type of behaviour was going on for awhile with various levels of betrayal and anguish even before the fateful tipping point, but as I wrote before that the point where I got so angry was a point where I felt the ever downward spiral take a free fall

It effects every part of my life and with every failure just seems to get worse and worse

I cannot even see myself worthy being anyone's better half because I am too broken to fix.... to try is to delve into madness itself and I cannot expect anyone to have the mental fortitude and patience to dig through so much filth. This even in the face of being told I have examplary morals, I just cannot be anyone else's burden.

I even have been told before to seek a priest to rid myself of the demons.

Somehow I have found a way to make friends, even with repeated faliure, I somehow have met individuals that are cut and above the usual pieces of shit human being I seem to have seem to associate with, but I am trying to keep this mess of a human being out of it. What I have shared is to a point I believe palatable to average consenus of the group and I never or want or expect them to provide support in my mental battles as just having "decent human beings" to be in contact with is a treasure.

I have other issues where I do not have a voice to correct the wrong assumptions and standing up for myself when I feel that I receive unfair treatment in a respectful and dignified manner and tend to keep quiet, but that would require another long and exhausting write essay and I am just drained after writing this.

I apologize yet again for language use and potentially dark tone, but I did try to compress this to not go into too much detail, as I have a terrible habit of writing too much and hopefully this more palatable.

But yeah, if I would surmise I am a broken person haunted by a past that holds onto me as a means to protect myself from myself but in doing so makes my life incredibily miserable and any longings and aspirations I have is such a broken concept that I feel whatever I do is doomed to fail and only bring about more misery and pain in an endless self-perpetuating cycle of failure and regret that I feel that doing anything is pointless as it will only lead to having me needing to deal with even more stuff that perpetuates the unending cycle

I know this unhealthy, I know it is wrong and I know I need help but I cannot see anything really helping this it is more than needing drugs as all it will help with is regulation and chemical balance, but my mind is a shattered broken mess that no amount of drugs can ultimately fix, maybe make the house keeping easier but there is some foundational problems I know is the root causes but all help I received is from the freely available sources and those sources all seem confused about is the problems because they have just best guesss so far and feel drugs will fix things.