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Spent time with parents today... went to a Chinese Restaurant, had dim sum... meh, felt depressed the entire time, even though the atmosphere was festive and filled with new year declorations (sh.itjust.works)

submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works to c/casualconversation@piefed.social

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I kinda just sat there depressed the whole time even though I should be happy. Food was good... I guess... still not good enough to stop the darkness that consumes my souls inside. I told my mom about it and she's just like "think happy thoughts"... "I occasionally feel depressed too"... ugh she will never understand lol. She told me she loves me like at least 10+ times today... idk, I'm not exactly feeling it... I still feel the fear of being abandoned, of rejection, still fearful they'll end up betraying me, rejecting me.

We went to a park to just kinda just chill out, take a walk... I kinda just reminicent of old times when we spend time together. Sadly I'm not a kid anymore... although I still kinda acted like a kid today... felt like a kid at heart... I still feel like my inner child is here with me, the flame of joy... sort of... but expectations are different now... future looks scary...

So she just asks me: "do you love us? ("us" as in both of them... dad was also with us)

So idk what to say... felt too vulnerable to open up...

So I just said "you'll love me regardless, right?"

And she told me "of couse"

Why is this so awkward?

So calm just walking in the park today... like in the eye of the storm, the calm before shit happens again, chaos soon reigns again...

I feel mom will go "bipolar" mode again...

On the way back she mentioned something about inheritance and asked the "am I ready to act normal" question again, and I just feel worried again... sort of ruined the vibe I just had chillng out, walking in the park just earlier.

Just average Chinese Family dynamics... what the fuck

emotions on a rollarcoaster

speaking off I kinda wanna go on a rollarcoaster

probably less scary than family relations...

hows your day?

(Edit: Also I remember I was just sitting there... like people usually chat when at the restaurant, I literally could not find a common topic to talk to parents about... nothing too deep really, stuggling to hold a conversation, dad and mom kinda just did the most talking to each other, I didn't have much to say, struggle to form complete sentences in Cantonese. Mom said a bunch of stuff I didn't feel interested in, I think the depression in me was just on autopilot...

I wonder what my parent think of me... something like why is my son acting so strange nowadays? perhaps?

Idk... I feel like I'll never ben understood, depression is unexplainable to them)

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[–] buswankers@lemmy.ca 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Hey, I don't normally comment on stuff but I do read your posts a lot! I used to deal with some pretty heavy depression, can't really just say to you that it gets better because there are good days and bad days. But exercise helps, changing to a new environment helps (new job or new gym or new meetup group), and just honestly being less harsh on yourself. Then you can try to connect again when you're in a better headspace.

Btw, if it's your year in zodiac, we call it 犯太歲 and it's generally supposed to be a difficult year for you, so make the best decisions you can and wishing you (and all Horse people) the best~

[–] DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works 1 points 1 month ago

No way, my parents told me its supposed to be a lucky year...

Maybe I misunderstood?

But again its just religion, its all made up so nothing is ever consistent xD