this post was submitted on 11 May 2026
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My wife of 30 years died a few months ago and I'm having to adjust to life without her.
Life is freakin weird now .... I feel like some kind of ghost that doesn't exist ... I feel like a big part of my life died with her and at the same time I feel like I'm alive but not fully .... I'm alive but not fully ... I feel like part of me disappeared but I didn't die ... quite honestly, sometimes I feel like a ghost that didn't fully cross over and I'm stuck in this life until I can move on.
I have a ton of supports, family and friends, work and things to do and I keep very busy with stuff ... but all of it just doesn't mean much to me any more.
And family and friends keep telling me I have all the freedom in the world to do whatever I want ... but you know what? ... life is no longer enjoyable when you don't have the person you want to share everything with. I had so many plans and things I really, really wanted to do ... but now it's all meaningless and pointless ... I have no real enjoyment for many things any more. Even turning on the TV to watch something, anything no longer really thrills me and I watch something for a few minutes, my mind wanders and I have to go do something else. I go online and it's the same thing, I read part of something and I have to move on to the next thing ... I play video games and I can't concentrate on it for too long.
About the only thing left to me now is riding my motorcycle but I can't even do that because the weather is still too cold here in northern Ontario ... so I can't even enjoy that.
And in the meantime, I have to watch the world burn .... life is just very strange for me at the moment.
Like life has lost all it's color? Everything is now in grayscale?
Might as well be ... you have no idea of the sadness I feel. I am completely normal, I go about my work and I do the things I always did before ... on the outside everything is perfectly normal. Unfortunately, my mind, my thoughts and my perception of the world has changed ... I no longer feel the same sense of joy and happiness of doing things .. I always go back to thinking of the person I lost and how she is not here any more ... it's pervasive and deep. I feel like someone has draped a big heavy wet blanket over me and it hangs on me all the time. And yes ... the colors of the world don't seem to be as bright any more ... they don't fill me with the same awe and happiness they once did. They do cheer me up but it's like lighting a tiny candle in a deep dark cave.
I've lost lots of people in my life ... my brother, my aunts and uncles ... friends from my age group, friends who were older, friends who were younger ... my grandparents ... both my parents ... and I've handled all those with a lot acceptance and understanding ... I lived through them with my wife who supported me through all of it .... but this ... this is like having your soul removed and you feel like you are operating your body like an empty vessel. Life feels very mechanical now ... I go about doing things like I always did but everything is without meaning now and I constantly wonder why I am doing anything.
My wife had a huge cancer scare. It turned out not to be, but while that word was laying on the table, I could no longer hear snare drums. Vibrant colors turned to gray. I was tone deaf with music. You're right, I don't know how sad you feel, but I have an idea of what I would experience. Nothing and no one can prepare you for just how awful the whole thing is.
Enjoy and celebrate any time you have together now, for as long as possible and as much as possible, if you get mad at one another, screw it all, apologize and talk and work through it as quickly as possible .... because in the end, it feels like no time has passed at all.