Mental Health

The first time I was suicidal I was 14, this was in response to how inconsistently draconian my parents were raising me, the biggest thing I learned from them is how to properly fear authority figures and how to stay out of their line of fire.

The second time I was suicidal I was 23, I had just made a big decision for myself, something that should have made me feel like I have more control over my life, but instead it felt like I ruined my life and truly believed the world would be a better place without me in it.

Now I'm 35 and have came to the debilitating realization that the all relationships I've created and maintained to replace my immediate family were born of trauma.

Simply put, no one understands me, even worse it doesn't feel like there is a desire to. They all fell in love with someone without an opinion who was always willing and ready to support them and would never ask for anything in return.

Now all I asked is to be witnessed, remembered, and understood. But I can only express the acceptable parts of my self, not my entire being. The acceptable parts I do express are often met with either patronizing platitudes or a contrarian cordoning telling me to "behave" as if whatever I was expressing went slightly out-of-bounds.

The most frustrating thing is how I've tried in very specific ways to create new relationships to no avail.

I often worry that since I don't scroll for my feel-good hormones, I'm apathetic about pop culture, and that I have a critical perspective on everything, it is highly unlikely I'll ever find my people, my tribe, my family. Part of me also feels like the average modern American is looking for their social connections to be entertaining, egotistically validating, or economically beneficial (a.k.a. networking) rather than meaningful.

And to address the advice some readers may be motivated to give. I'm okay with small talk, I feel like I've gotten really good at it actually. I don't practice pedantry and try to use my critical mind for keeping conversational momentum going or during emotional support, this does limit the scope of my personal expression though as I often bite my tongue. I've made groups of people laugh with my humor, extended (arguably too far at times) out of my social comfort zone, even taken some risks with my self expression. In short, I've been doing things "by the book", and yet I have nothing to show for.

I just feel so lost, alone, chronically misunderstood, and disappointed by everything.

Admittedly, I do have an avoidant attachment style that hinders my socializing, but that is only fed by the countless moments where me just being me results in people pushing me away. This creates an infernal ouroboros of insecurity within my soul, the more I face social rejection the more I feel insecure and feel the need to find someone who gets me, the more I attempt to find someone who gets me I face social rejection.

I'm an eccentric weirdo, who just wants to be weird with other eccentrics, but I'm too busy drowning in the enormity of conformity.

All of this has me at the start of a very familiar path that remembers the footsteps of my 14 and 23 year old minds disappearing into the fog of hopelessness.

So I'm writing all of this to help myself vent and avoid going down this same path, because as they say, the third time's the charm.