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All communities included on the sidebar are to be made in compliance with the instance rules. Striker
Could've been one sentence.
'You are what you eat,' the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio, who turned his gaze on the elementary school.
Removed unnecessary adjectives, they distract from the punch imo
I believe it flows better this way, too. The reader goes directly from A to B to C with a brief stop at horror between B and C, right where you want it.
Yes, I'm a big fan of Vonnegut. That man really taught me the value of efficiency in writing.
Vonnegut is my favorite, the one I model my own writing style after. Galopagos is my jam.
I think one sentence makes it hit less hard. It’s more surprising with two sentences, and the “sly eyes” and the paragraph break help with it.
Failed too efficient. Technically now a one sentence horror story. DQd until revised.
"and then a ghost popped out!!!!"
It needs the pause for processing. In a story, yours is preferable. In extreme short form online storytelling, it needs to completely set the stage for the majority of the literary diaspora in those communities to be able to digest it.
"You are what you eat" the Blue Fairy's wisdom echoed, as Pinocchios gaze turned towards the elementary school.
Not better
I think you've improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:
"You are what you eat," the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.
IMO, the second sentence feels like it's cut off because I'm expecting an adjective at least, like:
He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.
Or,
As his gaze drifted toward the elementary school; his nose grew, as he muttered 'I wouldn't hurt them'.
Though the one-sentence format is preferable for me.
Why does Pinocchio want to turn into a school?
He wants to be filled with kids.
Oh, carry o... wait a minute
Wants to reform education. He's been concerned about recent reports of attention disorders in kids
Spot on reply 😂
Haha, Pinocchio are lots of wood, what a champ.