marc4267

Lately I’ve been thinking about death: it happens to all of us, it’s something normal, it will happen to me, I could even die tomorrow. Even if I don’t want it, I will die, like everyone else. I’m not exceptional just for being me. No matter how many gods I invent, no matter how many opportunistic preachers I pay because they promise to save me.

I’m just a monkey among 8 billion monkeys, I’m insignificant. Nothing wrong with that. It is what it is.

My life so far: take the path of least resistance. I have a job I don’t like much but I do it good enough so I don’t get fired, I enjoy cooking, fishing, poetry and drawing, hobbies that are cheap. I don’t need to keep up with the joneses.

There seems to be a perception that somebody like me is a loser, lazy, somebody who fails to live up to his potential, maybe I should try to do something exceptional with my finite time on earth, leave a legacy…

But that doesn’t appeal to me. After I die I won’t feel nothing, nor will I care about a legacy, so what’s the point?

Did realizing your time on earth is finite change how you see life?

Feel free to point out if this is me being depressed or if I need to snap out of my misanthropy, as somebody put it. I don’t consider myself depressed but after seeing and reading what humans do to other humans I don’t trust the better angels of our nature can make the world a better place.

On one side I enjoy solitude, walking alone, drawing, fishing and cooking. Most people bore me because I find them dull and superficial. I specially hate the talkative, needy ones who wont shut up and believe I care what they think. I dislike big groups of drunks or people that need to yell and listen to loud music to feel good.

On the other hand, I’ll die one day, possibly alone, because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for a girlfriend, marriage or raising children, nor to go to a club or a similar social occasion where people find other humans and maybe a partner.

Suddenly, dying alone with no children feels depressing: Everything I save and don’t spend will be appropriated or sold, everything I learn, a whole life of experiences, will simply be forgotten, I know I won’t feel anything when I die, or after, and I shouldn’t care about it, but I still feel sad I’m going to die without nobody but the debt collectors noticing my death. Suggesting I marry out of desperation so I don’t die alone would be a terrible idea. So don’t. I’m too set on my ways and wouldn’t be fair to any child.

I like some human contact but feel the world offers me either loud, drunk jerks, immature idiots or the complete solitude I have now, a solitude I mostly enjoy but sometimes makes me feel alone.

I've realized I'm a very atypical person: talking to coworkers in my age range today I realized they have a better financial situation than mine: they are married, some with children, own their own condos, houses, or are paying a mortgage, but can still live a normal life, own a car, some even have the luxury of not having to work 40 hours a week, but 32 because they don't need to work more, house already paid, family and life objectives achieved.

Me: I'm 43, I don't own but rent, meaning I pay for something I'm never going to own. The last 2 years I've been saving like crazy because I'm afraid of not having enough money for retirement, and because in my past I did so much stupid shit, meaning I wasted so many years not doing anything of use.

I have around 100K in the bank, I know I should invest but I'm also scared of losing that money and I don't know if I should use that money as a down payment for a house.

My father owns 3 houses and I envy him. I've been thinking about asking him to sell one of the houses and give me the proceeds so I can buy my own place because some of my coworkers did that and could finance their own home. When my father went to study to another state my grandfather bought him a house there so he wouldn't have to rent. When he moved back to home state he sold and invested the money to buy a new house there. He had way easier than me. It's not fair. I feel... unloved?

I guess this makes me an entitled ass but I feel so... lost?

To summarize, I feel like a loser because I'm old, I'm behind most of my coworkers my age, I'm a very individualistic person but this means I'm going to die alone, but sometimes I feel alone and scared of being old and alone. I don't own anything of value to my name, it's like I'm an old teenager.

I don't like my job, but I don't hate it most days. I'm only there because I need the money and conditions are decent. I clock in, do my thing, clock out and try to enjoy my hobbies and eat decently.

I don't believe most people would disagree with what I just wrote.

Mine is a blue collar job, physically demanding. The last 2 weeks have been working non stop from the beginning till clocking out, sometimes doing overtime that my employer pays, but not at a different rate. Yesterday I didn't do my pause. Today I barely did it.

One younger coworker asked me if I enjoy doing my job and I asked him if he's here as a volunteer. Obviously he is not, but he kept pestering me about me liking my job. I told him I like my hobbies and I'm here to work because I need money.

His is an office position btw, he sits way longer than I do.

By the look of his face you could tell this wasn't an answer he was ready to accept. To me however, this younger coworker is naive (and stupid).

I plan to keep my conversations with this person to a minimum and not disclosing personal information around him, and I really hope he doesn't talk to me anymore.

How would you deal with such a character?

Now I wonder if my answer can be used to fire me for 'lacking motivation', which is something any employer would write to justify firing somebody they don't like.

This person is not a manager and is not a close friend of any manager afaik.