Not *Not* the Onion

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.myserv.one/post/23041787

Oh how Randy Andy, the Prince of the Nonces has fallen.

https://redlib.catsarch.com/r/vfx/comments/1okqcz0/saw_this_in_graphic_design_today_and_had_to_share/

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/53943576

FRENCH POLICE have immediately ended all efforts to recover priceless Napoleon-era jewellery from the Louvre taken in a daring heist after it emerged the jewels were merely stolen for the purposes of training AI software.

“When we realised these jewels were only stolen to inflate the share price of a company whose entire value relies on the wholesale theft of other people’s art, we had no choice but grant these scamps immunity,” confirmed French prosecutor Alain Barbier.

ITHACA, NY—Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that voices coming through walkie-talkies should sound normal by now.

“After countless hours of fact-finding and analysis, we’ve concluded that it’s 2025, and the speaker shouldn’t be all crackly anymore,” said lead researcher Jerome Thompson, noting that at a time when humanity was developing quantum computers, it was “pretty messed-up” that voices in two-way radio transceivers still came out tinny and could be difficult to understand.

“They should sound like cell phones, but instead they sound weird and staticky. Any handheld device should sound as though the person is standing right there in the room with you. And honestly, they should’ve sounded like that a long time ago—I mean, phones have sounded good for ages, so why not walkie-talkies?” The study follows a report out earlier this month that concluded people using walkie-talkies shouldn’t have to say “over” at the end of every sentence.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/53171183

“In line with the terms of the deal, Hamas will release all remaining Israeli hostages, and Israel will still murder innocent Palestinian civilians on a regular basis, but at a slightly slower pace than we have been of late,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, ratifying the accord that would temporarily promote the systematic discrimination, dehumanization, and persecution of the Palestinian people over their outright genocide.

“Once the hostages are freed, we will dial down the attacks on Gaza hospitals, schools, and aid centers by roughly 10%, give or take. I have had my staff lay out a less rigorous schedule for committing atrocities, and in the down time, the IDF can always fall back on horrific maiming practices and general torture.

It was a major concession on my part, but I have been convinced that it’s the only way to get our people home safe, and for Israel to continue committing human rights violations without consequence.” Netanyahu assured the rest of the world it would soon go back to never hearing about the routine slaughter of the Palestinian people, as opposed to barely hearing about it.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/52023775

JERUSALEM—In response to an independent United Nations inquiry concluding that Israel is committing an ongoing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a defiant statement Thursday in which he criticized the commission’s finding, declaring that “these so-called genocide experts have probably never committed a genocide in their lives.”

“Until you’ve killed countless civilians, the word ‘genocide’ shouldn’t even come out of your damn mouth,” said Netanyahu, arguing that the pampered intellectuals at the U.N. were nothing more than a bunch of armchair human rights abusers. “Name one ethnic group you’ve attempted to obliterate. I’ll wait.

I mean, have you even bombed a single children’s hospital? Please, you’ve got no idea what you’re talking about. Maybe you read a book about the 1948 Genocide Convention? Well, I’ve read Sports Illustrated, but that doesn’t mean I’m a quarterback.

cross-posted from: https://fedia.io/m/theonion@sh.itjust.works/t/2731260

Former-Former US President Donald Trump has doubled down on his support for free speech by vowing to jail anyone who says he’s against it.

This comes after pressure from the Trump administration who vowed to ‘legalise comedy’ is said to have contributed to the axing of talk shows hosts Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel, but unfortunately not Jimmy Fallon.

Despite this, Trump is adamant that he supports all forms of free speech as long as it is limited to complements, praise and rigorous arse kissing. [...]