Let's try this approach:

I certainly do not see enforcing a safe space as policing identity.

What's an example I brought up about how Ada could have made the space safer, if only she wasn't apparently hung up on pronouns as the one and only most critical thing that defines whether or not the space is safe?

Banning them for repeated invalidation of others' identities is not policing their identity.

My example of gatekeeping actually had nothing to do with PJ (or, for that matter, with policing anyone's identity specifically). What was the example?

I strongly dislike the "just asking questions" polite veneer of your comments while very intentionally dodging the elephant in the room, which is that the user did wrong for the space they were in, regardless if you agree or not.

Way up at the beginning of the conversation when I brought up a couple of examples (my opinion, for whatever it's worth, for what the "right way" or an alternative way would have been to approach this whole situation and enforce the rules of the community), did it include PJ getting banned and anyone else who didn't do the pronouns in the approved way getting banned? What was the critical difference in the two ways of approaching it I modeled (was it banned vs. not banned, or was it something different)?