I recently asked this community how you experience dysporia, however it seemed like no one had the same "symptoms" that i am currently experiencing and Im not really sure what it is.
Currently it happens somewhat regularly that I feel like someone ripped a gigantic hole into my chest. It is this type of hole that cant be filled. It devinetively is caused by my quite big desire to be a woman. So becoming what i dream of is the only way of combating this. "The hole" (I named it the void) fluctuates quite a lot in intensity. sometimes its relatively small and on other days it feels like an flesh made nightmare that you cant escape. There are the feelings of needles punctuating my chest or the feeling of an iron ring, thats wrapped around my chest that i have to fight against with every breath. Whenever the void appears, it is guarded by this huge desire to transform into a woman.
Currently I dont really experience the typical symptoms of dysphoria (hating yourself/your body...). I only sometimes have it, that when i look into a mirror, that I cant really connect to the face staring back at me. This lack of obvious signs of dysphoria is the reason, why i am starting to think, that what I experiience is my bodys way of manifesting dysphoria.
Edit to save you the effort of typing:
I have devinetively come to the conclusion that I Am trans. I have accepted it and i am actively working towarda my transition, slow but steadily. You also dont have to recommend the Gender Dysphoria Bible, since I have already read it. I have also watched the video series about MTF folks by the transition channel. I am just absolutely confused what this is, that I Am experiencing. I will try to find a therapist.
They aren't the typical symptoms of dysphoria. Dysphoria is commonly portrayed like that in media aimed at cis folk, and so it's commonly seen that way, but I'm reality, it doesn't typically manifest as hating yourself or your body.
This is dysphoria
This is dysphoria
Dysphoria
Dysphoria
Dysphoria
Believe it or not, it's almost a cliche how many trans folk describe their experiences of dysphoria, whilst simultaneously talking about how they don't experience dysphoria.
I can't tell you what your dysphoria means, and I can't tell you who you are. What I can tell you though is that similar experiences to yours have been shared by many many trans folk before you.
a thousand times this ^
OP I hope this is what you needed to hear. I spent a long time convincing myself that I must be cis, despite that pretending at manhood was making me miserable. It’s a long road to accepting that you’re “trans enough”, whatever that means to you.