this post was submitted on 22 Nov 2025
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I've never understood this.
From the dude's perspective: it REALLY isn't that fucking hard in most cases. Some women are really tricky but the vast majority arent.
From the woman's perspective: why stay with someone who can't get you off? Anyone who is incapable or unwilling to learn how to give their partner an orgasm is probably a really shitty parter in most other areas as well.
Orgasms work differently for us, both compared to men and compared to each other. It’s not all about a partner’s skill. Each of us is built a little differently.
Personally, my brain needs to be engaged in it for me to “get there.” Orgasms don’t “just happen” - they have to be deliberate. I have to concentrate on the sensations, which is hard because my mind tends to wander. Add on the social pressure of a partner expecting an orgasm out of me, and I can wind up turned off entirely just by that.
I orgasm fine by myself. If I just want an orgasm, I can masturbate. For me, sex is for mutual fun, pleasure, and bonding with another person, regardless of whether someone comes or not. So when a partner stakes their pride on making me orgasm instead of just on making me feel good, I become concerned about their hurt feelings if I can’t get there. It therefore distracts me further, making the likelihood of an orgasm even lower.
Which is a way to say, it’s best for some of us if our partners focus on the journey, not the destination. We may arrive in the end, but it shouldn’t be the end all, be all.
It’s also worth noting that sometimes orgasms simply aren’t going to happen. Hormones, stress, and physical discomfort can mean being unable to come, and those aren’t necessarily things a partner can control, no matter how “good in bed” they are.
Im the exact same way and I've got a dick so I understand.
It isn't hard to get a woman off. I never said it's a matter of skill.
You touch on a lot of important underlying things in your comment.
Like. Maybe it's just because I'm able to empathize with the big finish not really being the end all be all of sex. Or maybe it's that I take to the time to try and understand what my partner wants and to make them feel safe (because I need that too) .
Nothing kills the mood faster than having the weight of someone's expectations hanging over you finishing, or worse yet their self esteem tied up in the (in)ability to make it happen.
It’s wild how many people don’t understand these things.
You sound like a good, understanding partner. Whoever you get to spend time with is lucky to have you. :)
It is wild.
I'm poly leaning (ambi amorous is a term I learned recently that fits me pretty well) so I get to hear a lot from women about what it's like in the front lines, so to speak.
Like. The bar is so fucking low. In so many ways. And nothing women want is onerous or in most cases difficult. At all. Women talk constantly about everything you need to be successful in dating and men seem to just look around like "what are those sounds"?
The most difficult part of dating for a straight guy is showing your partner you're not totally full of shit. I say showing because women have been lied to and manipulated by so many fucking people that they rightly don't trust a fucking word you say. I wouldn't either tbh.
Oh man, I could rant all day about that because it recently resulted in me becoming homeless, but I’ll hold back. Long story short, poor communication > break up/moving out > nowhere to live > crashing on my girlfriend’s couch (we’re poly too. She’s married, with a one bedroom apartment, in a high cost of living area. There’s almost nowhere I can afford by myself.)
Communicating is so important, and you’re right - it’s even more important to show your love through what you do. Actions speak louder than words, after all. Anyone can make a promise, but someone who will follow through is a rarity.
(My ex knows my Lemmy account name, but I don’t care. If you’re reading this - I want my external harddrives back!)
Yeah you dick, give her back her fucking external hard drives.
I've been with women who couldn't get themselves off and it wasn't easy to get them there when I did it.
"In most cases"
To me the even more obvious response to the quoted bit is 'you know it affects your ability to orgasm from masturbation too, right?'
If it isn't that fucking hard might be part of the problem