Ask Lemmy

Most people out there are looking for their person. They wanna know who the right person is for them. Most advice out there is about how to attract whatever kinda person you want. The world is full of selfish people. Your first question was about how to be the right person. You're much more solidly on the right path than you give yourself credit. You demonstrate both a willingness to honestly examine yourself and a desire to change for the better. To be clear; you've already started the process.

As for what you want to accomplish, knowing what to do is simple and easy, the work itself is difficult and takes time as you've already anticipated. I could get into the neurological framework behind it if you like, but basically it's just like the process of working out/going to the gym. You do the things that strengthen those "muscles" so to speak. Uncomfortable with your own appearance? Stand in front of the mirror and be cognizant of your self-talk. Your goal is to be able to look at yourself without making value statements about yourself. Your focus should be on your reaction rather than the initial observation. You always have the option of having no opinion. Train yourself to not be critical or prideful of yourself, but rather to be honest. "I am me, to expect more or less of myself is a choice I'm under no obligation to make".

To make lasting change within yourself, you must become more mindful of your opinions and reactions. No one can make you angry, or cry, or happy, it's your opinion of whatever happens. You're not angry because that guy cut you off while driving, it's because you belive he was unjust to do so and he did it with malformed intent. Is it possible he did it to avoid hitting a dog? How could you be angry then? Even more realistically, it could be that he wasn't paying attention, but even then, why be angry? "He should pay more attention!" That's not up to you, so what good is your anger? "He could have hurt me or someone else!" Then adjust your behavior accordingly, and shouldn't you expect this behavior already? Humans are well known as distracted drivers, how can you be angry with something you expect as a byproduct of one's very nature? The goal isn't eliminating emotion, but to not be controlled by them. Anger has it's place, but it's abused to death the world over. Anger should motivate you to move into rational action, not consume you with rambling outrage. This is just an example of how you work out changing your own behavior, and in turn, changing yourself.

The difficulty is that you have to do it consistently. Just like working out, starting is hard and won't really show results, but it gets easier over time as you progress. You have to constantly remind yourself, you must constantly refocus your attention, and you must constantly find new ways to practice being uncomfortable. The process is difficult, but more than rewarding when you look back on your progress. And when you simply become someone who is more in control of themselves, the self-love/confidence follows close behind. This way you treat the cause of the symptoms. I have much more on the subject if you have questions. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius is a good read for this.

TL;DR: Stoic philosophy.