Ask Lemmy

I think your question reveals that you are conflating "confidence", "self love", "love" and "romance". As someone approaching 40 who has struggled with all of these things to various degrees over time, I strongly recommend against mixing these things up or treating them like the same thing. They aren't. And by conflating them, you're only making it harder to feel satisfied with any of them!

If you skateboard then you already know all about "confidence". You can't land a trick without confidence, and the only way you can gain confidence is by practicing until you can do it in your sleep. I think that same mentality applies to all things, including just basic social situations, making friends, and dating. You might land it, you might bail, or you might totally eat shit, but you've gotta practice putting yourself out there to build confidence. Reflect on yourself to determine what you feel unconfident about, and work on it. Practice it like you'd practice an ollie.

"Self-love" is a difficult one, because many of us are our own harshest critics. You might want to be the best version of yourselves and feel let down or disappointed when you fall short of that. You might have a tendency to blame yourself for things that are fundamentally outside of your control. Worst of all, you might be someone who channels every negative emotion (boredom, loneliness, fear, anxiety, etc.) into self-hatred, instead of just accepting that you can feel bad without being bad. We have to resist all of those tendencies because they are negative and self-destructive. Look at the things about you that are good. Look at your talents, look at your relationships, look at the way you treat other people and animals, and so on... Furthermore, it's really important that you learn that self-love is fundamentally different than love or romance for others--being in a relationship is unlikely to teach you self-love, and self-love is something that you have to work on finding even if you are single or feel lonely.

"Love" is also difficult, if only because you can't force it. It's also not the same as romance. Depending on your circumstances, you can find love in your family, be it parents, grandparents, siblings, kids, or other relatives. You can also find love in a beloved pet, like a cat or a dog who always wants to be with you. You can find love in a lifelong friend who you truly care about and who cares about you right back. Love isn't romance (and it certainly isn't sex), but it's powerful and you know it when you feel it. There's no recipe to finding love out in the world, but if you look around you, I think you might see that it's already there in some form.

I'm certainly no expert in "romance", so I'm probably not a good person to ask about this... But I think a lot of romance is just showing the other person that you're thinking about them and care for them. Romance is not sex; you can have romance without sex and you can have sex without romance. Being "good at sex" is not the same as being romantic, nor is it necessary. I have really come to learn that the most romantic thing you can do is be emotionally intimate with a partner, by talking to them openly, asking them how they feel, breaking down the boundaries between you both and making them feel comfortable and safe in every way that people need. If you can care for another person, listen to them, and share their most intimate moments, then I think you probably do have what it takes to be romantic.

Finally, it's also important to address the idea that "aromanticism" and "asexuality" exist in a whole variety of different forms. These ways of being have probably always existed throughout humanity, even though they weren't discussed as frankly due to the pressures of social conformity. I think you really need to at least consider the possibility that part of the reason you've tended to shy away from seeking out romantic relationships is that you feel that you might not really want a conventional one. Only you know for sure, but it's at least worth thinking about.