this post was submitted on 07 Jul 2025
542 points (98.7% liked)

Not The Onion

17138 readers
1686 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] susurrus0@lemmy.zip 8 points 1 day ago

Ah yes, the long awaited sequel to Tim Apple.

[–] MushuChupacabra@lemmy.world 196 points 2 days ago (4 children)

This is easily explained.

Donald Trump has dementia.

[–] timbuck2themoon@sh.itjust.works 63 points 2 days ago (1 children)

But media won't harp on this like Biden. Otherwise we'd have a million articles by now.

[–] MushuChupacabra@lemmy.world 45 points 2 days ago

Mainstream media has a fuckton of culpability here.

[–] slaneesh_is_right@lemmy.org 12 points 2 days ago

Not true, not true. Very sharp, Tim Apple called him smart. Fake news

[–] Regna@lemmy.world 63 points 2 days ago

And even before that, he was dumb and easily used. Just easier to use now:

[–] Badabinski@kbin.earth 9 points 2 days ago (1 children)

No, it's syphilitic brain damage.

[–] MushuChupacabra@lemmy.world 15 points 2 days ago

One doesn't exclude the other.

[–] Tylerdurdon@lemmy.world 130 points 2 days ago (5 children)

When do we start using Gatorade on the crops?

[–] veni_vedi_veni@lemmy.world 39 points 2 days ago (1 children)

ahem Brawndo? Idiot doesn't even know it's got electrolytes...

[–] SW42@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago

It’s what plants crave !

[–] Longmactoppedup@aussie.zone 2 points 1 day ago

Must be soon. Crocs have been in fashion for a while.

[–] 0ndead@infosec.pub 6 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

It’s scares me that some of you don’t get this ~~joke~~ reference

[–] AstaKask@lemmy.cafe 6 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Where's the grift in that? It's gonna be raw sewage and industrial waste.

[–] DickFiasco@sh.itjust.works 43 points 2 days ago

Because it's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

[–] kambusha@sh.itjust.works 13 points 2 days ago

It'll be Trumpade

[–] iltoroargento@lemmy.sdf.org 9 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

RFK's worm doing some serious work on upping that foodborne pathogens game...

Edit: Missed a letter and link

[–] Zorque@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

When all the nefarious people encouraging this abuse die off.

You'll notice that they don't exist in the future world of Idiocracy. That's because it's a fictional world, with a very basic premise only vaguely related to reality.

The problem isn't that people are dumb, it's that the people in power want to keep people dumb. Without that, it's not like we'll continue to devolve into helpless infantile people with no ability to think for ourselves.

[–] NikkiDimes@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Without that, it’s not like we’ll continue to devolve into helpless infantile people with no ability to think for ourselves.

ChatGPT enters the chat

[–] Zorque@lemmy.world 1 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Yeah, totally not engineered by people who profit off people getting dumber...

[–] NikkiDimes@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago

True, but I honestly think a significant number of people will naturally gravitate towards whatever's easier, offloading their own critical thinking skills.

[–] OutlierBlue@lemmy.ca 107 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Has Mr. Japan met Tim Apple?

[–] ToastedRavioli@midwest.social 7 points 2 days ago

Mr. Japannibal Lector

[–] samus12345@sh.itjust.works 33 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] nebulaone@lemmy.world 9 points 2 days ago

Comedy genius

[–] EndOfLine@lemmy.world 34 points 2 days ago

We're like a department store to shop in the United States, and you'll pay a 25% tariff

That's not how any of that works.

[–] Siresly@lemmy.blahaj.zone 26 points 2 days ago (2 children)

A mind as sharp as a sharpie.

[–] Get_Off_My_WLAN@fedia.io 8 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Sharpie enough to control hurricanes.

[–] collapse_already@lemmy.ml 3 points 2 days ago

The power to relocate Alabama by drawing a weiner with a marker.

[–] Eldritch@piefed.social 3 points 2 days ago

A mind like a bowling ball. Blunt, smooth, and significantly dense for it's relatively small size.

[–] Goldholz@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 day ago

The president of the united states and commander in chief, perfect representation of his nation!

[–] rxbudian@lemmy.ca 18 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I wonder what he's thinking when he says "Ms. Universe"

[–] FinalRemix@lemmy.world 23 points 2 days ago

Probably thinking about what she looked like in her early teens.

[–] SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world 22 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

I'm not a fan of the headline.

Peanut butter is useful.

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 1 points 1 day ago

mr japan sounds like a bodybuilder nme.

[–] jaybone@lemmy.zip 10 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Mr. Japan sounds like a really awesomely shitty knockoff super hero.

[–] arin@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago

Still way better than what USA has right now ....

[–] wulrus@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago (1 children)

That does make sense. Smartest thing he has said so far.

We already have "Miss Germany" etc. Why did we not think of using that term for the respective leader?

[–] arin@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago

Senile leader

[–] rustydrd@sh.itjust.works 8 points 2 days ago

The two people in charge of the US government---Beavis and Butthead---sure are some queer fellas.

[–] huppakee@feddit.nl 7 points 2 days ago (1 children)

When I grow up, EVERYBODY will call ME "MR. AMERICA". They will GIVE ME "NOBEL" PEACE prizes and hold MILITARY PARADES on MY BIRTHDAY. I will be "PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES". They will LOVE ME and APPRECIATE ME.

[–] Tolookah@discuss.tchncs.de 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Well I'm gonna get a THREE BELL prize! Take that!

[–] jaybone@lemmy.zip 3 points 2 days ago

Ask the magic EIGHT BELL.

[–] wabafee@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago

Thanks Mr. Orange man!

[–] some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Put my dick in your mouth, Donnie. It’ll block you from saying stupid shit.

[–] GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago

I get the sentiment, but still....

ewww