Kyrgizion

So I sent my boss and his boss an email stating that I felt overwhelmed and in over my head. I requested a talk to go over my options and assured them that I was still committed to the company and my mission.

HUGE MISTAKE.

If you've ever been in a situation where you think you'll be able to count on the basic decency and humanity of people you've worked your ass off for for years... don't.

I found out the following:

-despite the company's EBITDA rising exponentially year over year, the "company isn't doing too well" (but they do have budget to outright buy out our competitors in order to create a quasi-monopoly) and all teams' budgets are under strain this year (read: no raises no matter your performance)

-my direct superior, whom I've begged for extra guidance/trainings for the past three years, is apparently completely fed up with me and these requests and has wanted to fire me for over a year now.

-only reason I haven't been fired yet is simply because no one else wants to do this job. But they are still looking for a (cheaper) replacement

-his superior is slightly more amenable and, although a few years ago he called me "the absolute best of his CSR's", feels like "I've grown apart from the company". Yeah, no shit sherlock. That's what I'm trying to address here

-They feel it would be best if I went looking for employment elsewhere as they "don't really see a future for me in the current company structure".

All in all, the tall grass stands out (for mowing).

Regardless, it's crystal clear that I've now painted a(n extra) target on my back, and would've been much better off stewing on my own rather than call attention to myself in any way. Lesson learned. Don't make my mistake, just STFU, act like all's well and look for other employment in silence.

Basically I've been running my employer's IT helpdesk for 10 years. In those 10 years I've gotten some (minor) raises and perks, but never a promotion or job title change. I just "failed" my second year performance evaluation which comes down to "we know you're already overworked and understaffed but we need you to give 150% daily, every day".

As a result the opposite has happened and I basically don't GAF anymore. I close maybe half of the tickets I used to because I just can't bring myself to care anymore. Also, if after 10 years nothing has fundamentally changed, it would be madness to assume it somehow magically will.

Thing is, I used to be very enthousiastic about my field (IT) but lately I've fallen completely out of love with it. Every single month there are changes and evolutions to the many tech stacks we use and I just can't be arsed to keep up anymore. The enthousiasm has been completely replaced with mostly apathy and a side dish of simmering resentment.

I'm not immediately afraid of getting shitcanned because:

• there's a lot more work to do than there are hands available to do it
• company has been looking for people for my role for over 5 years but never hires anyone
• I've been there a decade which would mean making me redundant would cost the company a pretty penny in severance
• no one currently employed there would want to take over my job duties. In IT, the helpdesk is the lowest of the low. Always has been, always will be.

Regardless, I'm in my 40's now with one degree that doesn't have anything to do with IT and without joking, I would rather die tomorrow than keep doing this until pension age. Any of you have decent tips or examples of where someone in my position could aim to end up for the second half of my life's career?

If money were no object (it is) I would go back to college and pick up archaeology/history. That was what I wanted to do as a child but I had to give it up because "it wasn't a realistic life path", dixit my parents and every counselor I spoke to in that era.

I don't even work fulltime right now and still I feel like I would want to spend those 2,5 days a week doing something marginally less painful, like stick my dick in the oven.

EDIT: thanks for the responses all. I've reevaluated my situation and sent my boss and his boss a mail explaining my situation and requesting either some guidance/help/training or a demotion to a lesser position depending on where they think I should be heading. Chances are it'll be ignored, but at this point I don't really give a flying fuck anymore. If they want to get rid of me, they will. Add another corpse to the pile, see if anyone bats an eyelid.

She turns 15 this year but doesn't look a day over 2. Hoping to have many more healthy and enjoyable years with her, her sister and the other kitties.