drbollocks

i have two friends who i’ve known since my freshman year, i’ll call them e and k. of course, since i’ve known them for so long, i’ve trusted them with a certain thing: i’m autistic.

however, e and k (especially e), although usually nice people who include me and stuff, i feel like they just pity me and tend to make autism my entire identity.

i understand that both girls didn’t grow up with many friends due to being seen as “strange”, and are therefore quite cynical and lost hope about people.

in sophomore year when i confessed that i liked e: “sorry, i’m not into your kind of people.”

“how come people absolutely despise [me]? she’s so nice but people hate her for having tics and being autistic.”

“don’t be friends with them! they hate you, you know because they think you’re ret4rded.”

she’s gotten nicer now, and i know that e and k were trying to be nice about it and less blunt (that’s what they said and that they were quoting them, not saying so themselves), but i also don’t get (unless they overheard) how these people are comfortable talking to them about it.

what i’m more upset about, though, is the fact that so many people apparently think of me as just a “ret4rded kid” and nothing more despite being in multiple honors classes (all honors, in fact, since 8th grade).

this has been on my mind a bit, especially as someone who’s faced discrimination their whole life for being autistic.

this, however, goes back to fourth grade. i was 9 & 10. my school social worker was named mrs. h, and she acted a lot like a high school “mean girl”.

my dad called her bipolar once due to the fact that she’d be aggressive and rude one day, and perfectly cheerful the next.

sadly, i never spoke to s again, but i was once placed in a group with her. nothing ever bad happened with her, except for when she said she didn’t like talking about my interests but mrs. h wanted me to listen to hers. i later found out s didn’t even care if she heard about my interests but mrs. h told her to say she didn’t like it.

i found out that s didn’t even like mrs h because she apparently threatened s to say things that were untrue and harmful, and made her (an 11 year old) cry for not wanting to.

afterwards, i was in a group with r, t, and z. i only currently know t because neither r nor z go here.

i always had these ideas for hangouts with the three so i could make friends during weekly lunch groups with mrs. h, but they’d always be like “nooo… i don’t really want to.” or what z said: “yeah but other people would be left out if only us 4 hung out” (despite the fact that z & t always hung out).

mrs. h would then be like “looks like they don’t wanna hang out with you,” and shrug

I don’t quite remember what r did, but she was constantly rude. then she’d smile at me and want to hang out.

there were several times mrs. h defending my being bullied, said being hit by bullies was “ok”. i also have a history of going on online chat rooms at age 7-8, and every day i was convinced being harassed by those predators was my fault. a crime. after all, it was just like mrs. H and everyone said: i did this to myself and therefore deserved my trauma.

she asked me once “does anyone in your family drink?”

i said: “my dad has a bottle of beer every so often with dinner.”

when i came home, my family was angry and told me “mrs. h called and said you told her your whole family was in rehab.”

i, of course, never said this.

in lunch groups, she would also get mad at me for stimming and wouldn’t let me speak to others, constantly interrupting me and punishing me for speaking when she’d let other kids speak.

me and ex have dated for around 11 months. I broke up with her because she would only spend time on video games and her friends.

she was hardly ever online and when she was, never spoke to me.

she lost interest in me and was seeing other ppl without my knowledge or consent. it turned out, she didn’t even have feelings for me.

she also used to be incredibly abusive, homophobic, transphobic, even racist (which is why I broke up the first time) but is now suddenly a huge lesbian rights supporter (I’m proud of her growth though).

even when I speak in the GC, they all just talk to each other, ignore my messages, and talk about their video games, tv show, etc.

like, if anyone (especially my ex) says something, her friends will be like “OMG SO TRUE THATS HILARIOUS” but talk over me.

my ex will somewhat talk to me, but her friends will act like I don’t exist

i’m constantly told to give up on my goals. they’re not even unrealistic, i don’t want to be a big, giant unicorn who saves the world or something.

my (18f) sister (13f) has severe ocd and depression [is seeing a professional, will take meds]. she is constantly venting to me, walking in when i’m trying to do something private, etc. when i dont respond to her text right away, she tells me i hate her and she “knows i don’t care abt her”.

she constantly wants connections with others, but when they don’t give her exactly what she wants 24/7, she says she hates them and never wants to speak to them again.

i love her but idk how to help.

i know it’s not just “teenage hormones” (18f). i cannot yet be given a diagnosis on anything though i will be talking to a psychiatrist. this is really fucked up, i hate this so much.

i’ll be full of energy, all these ideas and motivation. i’ll talk really fast and have no need for sleep.

then, i’ll get depressed. i was doing GREAT all week and today, but now i’m about to cry simply because my friend only spends time with her friend group and never me. i was mad at that and suddenly ready to block everyone but i feel guilty and im mad at myself for being this way.

i know she can hang out with her trio, i know we’re still friends. i normally wouldn’t be mad but i truly think i’m going insane.

so my ex kayla (20f) is someone i got back together with after she changed and stopped being a dick towards me after we broke up the first time when she was 18 and i was ~17 (i’ll be 19 this year).

now, she’s a very nice person to me, and i broke up with her because we stopped talking to each other and i therefore lost feelings for her. i didn’t use social media much let alone group chats, and she didn’t private message much.

when i could/wanted to, i’d try to message but she’d often be doing something else or already in the middle of the convo. before we broke up, it turns out she was seeing another girl without my permission or consent because “she’s poly” (we gotta let each other know before we can date someone, that was the agreement. i did it for her but she didn’t for me).

we broke up and she moved on quickly because “oh at least i have 2 other women i like” and she didn’t even have feelings for me after we dated?? (she had feelings at 18 when she was a bully, but not at 20). neither of us like each other that way, but it hurts that she found someone else so quickly, didn’t feel that way for me, and didn’t even tell me about her new gf before we broke up

the woman who hurt me for years always finds a way to blame me for things. things are never her fault, and she thinks i’m disgusting or inferior because of my disabilities.

she’s nice to everyone else regardless of their disability, but they either have adhd or autism + adhd so maybe autism + bipolar isn’t “one of the good diagnoses”.

she’s charismatic so everyone defends her. they either don’t know about her or dont care as long as she isn’t hurting them because they love her so much.

she flirts with all her friends and told me I was too “disgusting” to flirt with and that she “hates threesomes” and that we “weren’t close enough to be friends” even though she finds me “too inferior” to even try and be my friend.

she’s fixated on me to an extent it feels, going out of her way to piss me off, make me jealous/hurt, making rude “jokes” (which are more annoying than hurtful) but then acting like she does this with all her friends.

she tries to be friends with my friends in a weird way, such as being overly nice and touching their shoulder/head, and it has been reported several times that she is somewhat creepy towards children irl and especially online and will go out of her way to follow and “befriend” children under 13 on social media apps. she has also defended people who like children romantically and saying that their romance should be okay.

I keep trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and holding onto hope that she’s a good person who just suffered a lot and that she actually likes me, but I know she doesn’t and I get hurt every time I give her that benefit.

i’ll refrain from overposting but i’m a bit scared. kayla (20f) is my gf and (idk if she still is) but was a huge trump supporter. she was quite cruel to me because i first dated her as a trans man and she accused me of sexual harassment after we broke up.

we got back together and have been dating for quite some time (about 11 months) but we barely talk. she only plays video games and talks to her friends, so i barely chat with her, she rarely responds, and i don’t use Discord a lot where i chat with her.

i asked if this would work out and if she would prefer it if we were just friends, but im scared that she’ll accuse me of things again and make harassment/slander of me because i said that

my bf is poly and already has a bf, so he doesn’t want to initiate anything with me. he doesn’t wanna call nor hang out, and he always texts very dry. he’s nice, but i don’t feel loved.

I’m not doing well mentally though. my gf already ignores me (she and i are poly too) and i feel like i will die if he breaks up (though i clearly won’t die)

there’s some days where she’ll want to talk to me, follow my accounts, say things to me, and then call me an annoying b*tch.

she’s nice in public, i’m assuming so others don’t think she’s mean, but what i mainly don’t understand is why she talks to me since she hates me so much and did nothing but harm me.

re-publicado de: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/23181039

i’m so sick of this. i’m just gonna stop dating people who prefer men because people i love ditch me for them.

they’re usually bi but then like men more. obviously men are better partners than women to them because they leave me for some dude. i’m so sick of it.

i’ve never even dated someone who exclusively liked girls, so i’ve never been left for another girl but i’d obviously be liked better by ppl i love if i were a man. (some ppl would dump me for other women tho probably)

ditched, ignored, dumped. i’m so sick of this. i want someone who loves me and only me. someone who wont break up with me for some dude. someone who wont ignore me and talk to dudes behind my back like my gf. i love my partners equally, im so tired of not getting the same fucking treatment.

i am done.

i’m never dating anyone else who already has a partner, ik they prefer the existing partner over me regardless of if they are poly.

i don’t want to be friends anymore when i’ll just be ignored.