son_named_bort

Because I need money

Tell her what your favorite dinosaur is.

I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail hopefully my gravestone says something like rest in peace and not something vulgar.

Joke's on that guy, all the women on the Internet are really just this guy:

This episode did not make me want to walk on sunshine.

Although the movie where Lars takes care of Seymour kinda makes this ending a little more hollow.

I'll start my own pilot, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the blackjack. Ah, screw the whole thing.

You laugh, but my son did something similar. He said "daddy I know you're going through a hard time right now but I can help you carry your groceries" and I said "son, you're 38 years old, why the hell haven't you moved out yet?"

He shouldn't have gotten his dentures from Acme.

I once had a group chat that got leaked. There's a possibility that it may have involved some light treason.

You can't even get a Baja Blast at a Kentacohut over there?

Arsenic

Mind your ps and qs. What are ps and qs?