zerozaku

I just realized I don't have many discussion communities on my feed. My feed is filled with all news articles and I rarely find any posts written by people to discuss stuff. The communities where they discuss normal life stuff or anything in particular, majorly with texts, is what I want, idk what you actually call them.

Thanks.

(I hope this is the right place to vent out my thoughts and feelings, idk who will read this though, but pls be kind (: )

I never had any huge crushes in my student days. I had one towards the end but I usually just observe from a distance and admire their beauty. Never felt I should talk to them or make them close.

Cometh my first job. I saw this woman, she was not amazing at first but caught my eyes. Everyday I would look at her as usual with my "crush protocol". Day after day, I felt she was becoming more amazing. This continued for months. Feelings only got thicker, so much so that I started to associate every love song with her. This is something I have never connected to in my whole life. Love songs never clicked to me, never felt attached to them. But this woman changed it all somehow with no word spoken between us.

But on some particular day, heavens have blessed me with an opportunity. She sat beside me during lunch out of sheer luck. Time for more context on my personality. I just don't talk to people. Idk if it's introversion or lack of social skills. Even with my colleagues I just talk when necessary. I just don't initiate any conversation irl until they do. Talking to strangers? Forget about it.

Let's come back to our glorious day. She sat beside me and all the time she was eating I battled within myself that I have to talk to her somehow. And after battling for some hard 10-15min, I went for it. I said "excuse me..." and fumbled my words towards some random question about her work. The conversation was quick and I couldn't carry it longer than a minute probably but much lesser ig. But this was a huge achievement for a someone like me - an introvert talking to their crush.

Days passed but we haven't talked a single conversation again. Here comes the villain. There came a shift in our work that we had to be in different places. Boom. I won't be seeing her ever again. I don't even know her name. Now I am regretting not knowing her name ever again. Fcuk man.

Bye my unknown queen.

I cannot do a damn thing. Be it easy, be it hard, be it rewarding, be it just pure pleasure. I cannot enjoy a thing thinking it is just waste of time. I cannot carry myself to do a hard task thinking about the high effort it requires. Even if I break it into small parts, I would only do the bare minimum for a day or two and stop it.

My entire life is being passed away coming back tired, hungry and yearning for sleep, from a job I dislike to the core.

I am not moving towards my goals. I cannot quit this job. Time is passing. I'm stuck. Weekends cometh, I use them all trying to catch up on sleep.

Every week I'm doing just the bare minimum to survive thinking I might do something on the weekend and I don't. How do I break out this cycle? There's a lot more I could unwind upon but this post is already long enough.

Argh

I don't get it. Everywhere I look there is this discussion about getting into a relationship, getting gfs/bfs and constantly chasing after it. And I'm not doing anything of it. I never paid attention to such stuff. During my teenage years, I thought it was normal attraction which people cave into and pursued such things. But now in my 20s, the same thing I observe, if not a little bit more than I used it. People getting sad because they are not finding someone. People being happy because they have one for themselves.

I'm not that career focused either. I just mind my own business. If it's studying or working, I just mind that. I do nothing like checking out girls in my school/workplace like my peers do. Maybe I'm just scared to pursue such things. I also think having a relationship is a huge headache too. Meeting them, making them happy, going out with them regularly. (I don't go out myself where will I take her to?). All of this while doing your daily stuff.

Am I wrong thinking to put career first before I get into relationships and stuff?

(I know many of you already know it but this incident I experienced made me so paranoid about using smartphones)

To start off, I'm not that deep into privacy rabbit hole but I do as much I can possibly to be private on my phone. But for the rest of phones in my family, I generally don't care because they are not tech savvy and pushing them towards privacy would make their lives hard.

So, the other day I pirated a movie for my family and since it was on Netflix, it was a direct rip with full HD. I was explaining to my family how this looks so good as this is an direct rip off from the Netflix platform, and not a recording of a screening in a cinema hall(camrip). It was a small 2min discussion in my native language with only English words used are record, piracy and Netflix.

Later I walk off and open YouTube, and I see a 2 recommendations pop-up on my homepage, "How to record Netflix shows" & "Why can't you screen record Netflix". THE WHAT NOW. I felt insanely insecure as I was sure never in my life I looked this shit up and it was purely based on those words I just spoke 5min back.

I am pretty secure on my device afaik and pretty sure all the listening happened on other devices in my family. Later that day, I went and saw which all apps had microphone access, moved most of them to Ask everytime and disabled Google app which literally has all the permissions enabled.

Overall a scary and saddening experience as this might be happening to almost everyone and made me feel it the journey I took to privacy-focused, all worth it.