Comradeship // Freechat

Hi I am an eighteen year old transwoman.

I find my life to be the most frustrating experience. It's the greatest anticlimax. Right now I have several assignments due, If I don't submit them I will fail and my education will be over. I had a relapse, I engaged in rape fantasies, specifically about me being raped again; I looked at rape porn. I feel disgusted by myself. While I am a party member, I have no comrades nearby. All of the people in my life are liberals. This is my cry for help. I have nowhere else to go.

Anyways though to describe my problem I am simultaneously the most perfect and the most imperfect. I'm a prodigy or maybe was a prodigy; a genius. I had memories going back to several months old. I taught myself how to read when I was three. I was an exceptional student. I picked up skills on my own starting from a young age. Eventually I found my self engaging in intense self study. I have a prodigious attention, I can focus so well that I can read through dense scientific books in single sittings. I can basically remember everything; I have an all consuming eidetic memory. I can easily visualize things, my visual intelligence is exceptional. My visual intelligence is so powerful to the point that I can intuitively understand the inner workings of machines with little effort, I have had multiple cases of this. I have that special intuition as mentioned in the previous sentence, but it is not unique to visual reasoning alone. I have that intuition in practically all areas, especially mathematical. People in my personal life around me are often shocked by my intelligence and sometimes even I am surprised. I have seen my mind do things that put me into utter shock.

My older brother sexually abused me. He would penetrate me with his penis repeatedly, likely fifty to one hundred times over the course of two years. He was still quite young, but he was in a position of power relative to me. He exploited his knowledge of sex to exploit me. He showed me porn on the computer, introducing me to an awful disease. He would make disgusting and degrading comments towards me. I remember feeling utterly helpless. My parents were completely oblivious to the fact. He was eventually caught, but my parents did nothing and it was quickly forgotten by them. They had to relearn it from me a decade later when I came forward with this. I then had to spend a decade with that person who hurt me. Being forced to be around that person daily. I lived in extreme denial.

My father would also beat me. He would come home drunk and start hitting me. I am not sure what this did to me. My relationship with my father is on working terms now and has improved.

Before when I lived in denial, I was "happier". I was able to be that prodigy, that genius. All of the traits I listed before were acute in me. After my acceptance of those events though life feels much heavier. My powerful attention is gone. I can't really remember all that well. Patterns seem more difficult to intuit. My imagination is more dull and occupied by painful thoughts. My mind feels fuzzy. Occasionally I can return back to that old abstracted state, and those are the most glorious moments of my life. I feel like a broken prodigy.

I have engaged in unsafe sexual behaviors. The sex has always been consensual, but I notice that while my partner certainly enjoys it, I feel nothing. Although recently I have fortunately corrected this behavior.

I find my trauma to be the worst because it is practically invisible. Fighting it is like fighting a ghost.

My relationship with my parents has improved after coming forward with this. I live on my own and they help pay for my rent at the moment.

I am seeking out what will eventually be a PhD, and this is a very critical stage.