"When cut, it did emit some red fluid, and the object moved and made a lot of noise - perhaps some sort of hydraulic mechanism? The shavings don't melt, so it's probably not plastic."

Bahaha - reading this and taking a drink - bad combo, almost out the nose.

This comment got me good 😂

"What is this thing? It's made of flesh and bone. It feels soft and shaves off easily with a knife, until you get to the middle and then it is much harder and cutting it requires a hacksaw. And the shavings don't melt, but taste similar to pork. It keeps screaming its name is "Sharon McMillan". Can anyone ID?"

"Oops, found its Drivers License. Turns out its name was in fact "Sharon McMillan." I feel silly now, but mystery solved!"