~ You're not selfish or invalid for feeling sorry for yourself. Rather you're dealing with abuse and trauma, and feeling sad and angry and overwhelmed are all appropriate. You were dealt a broken-flush hand of a childhood.

~ You're not just odd, but you're spectrum AF. Only you're not going to get an actual diagnosis until around 50 years. But you're always going to find it difficult to relate to other people. This factors into why.

~ You are also low-T and this may factor into your depression. It almost certainly factors into your lack of sense of gender. Sadly you'll be nearly 60 when you discover that this has been a lifelong issue which could have been treated if detected sooner.

~ It gets better after you encounter your found family. Then you'll be isolated from them and develop another found family with your wife and her kin. But that won't last. Then as civilization starts collapsing, you'll be isolated again and it's going to suck. Feeling that it all sucks is valid. Finding new friends and family is going to be a challenge in your senior years. (After COVID-19 and the rise of social media, no-one gets together in person anymore.)

~ Your romantic partners are going to leave you. The temptation is to presume that you're broken, that you screwed up. Rather, everyone is broken in their own way, and holding each other together is a part of love relationships. Break-ups happen between good people when they drift over time and become incompatible. Don't blame yourself (or them).