Edit:Hey, sorry, I think I was going through a mood swing earlier. Or maybe I am now. I need to go see a doctor. Anyway, I'll leave the post up if anyone has any thoughts. But sorry for being very mean spirited.
I'm so close to just being done. With all of it. I want to turn in my card and just feed myself to the wilds at this point.
I have had to have my faith in socialism tested so much. From the very day I learned the word I felt this pain growing inside me. It gnaws away at me every day and grows and grows with every betrayal. I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle another Gorbachev, another Ebert, another second international. Sometimes I wish AES states would just fail to prove once and for all that humanity doesnt deserve socialism. That way it wouldn't hurt anymore. Call it pessimism, doomerism, whatever you fucking want. I'm just so fucking tired of all of this. I'm so tired of taking one step forward and 5 steps back. I'm so tired of zionist leftist Germans and unimaginably insufferable TERF island brits, of pat socs and eurocommunists, of bleeding hearts and bloody hands. I don't expect anything to be perfect, but sometimes all I can feel is that history is not a history of class struggle, of class society. But of betrayal. From Thermidor to Weimar, from Arminius to the 20th CPSU congress.
And don't just tell me to have revolutionary optimism. I know the goddamn quotes, I know the goddamn throughline, I just have so little faith to be opmisitc nowadays.
This is among the kind of "steps back" that is so tiresome; people who are deeply unserious about power and think they can somehow beat power by doing mental gymnastics to tell themselves that their form of power is not actually power, that they are "pure" and "unmarred" by power because they don't seek to use a formally defined state administration to do organized work. End result is you get conscientious people who avoid positions of power out of a sense of moral ickiness and leave them more so to those with less scruples, which will have very predictably bad outcomes. 🤦♂️