In theory, I feel pansexual. In practice, it seems like I'm pretty much near damn exclusively into women. Really, it seems more like I'm into feminine people, regardless of gender, but there are some critical exceptions there. I'll say that, but then I'll casually scroll social media and stare too long at the occasional good-looking masc dude who pops up on my feed, especially if there's something about their character, personality, or beliefs I also find hot, e.g., I saw this really attractive vegan dude a few days ago.

I think the reason for me seemingly being mostly into women is that I have very niche preferences and dating requirements, and I find that, statistically, women are far more likely to meet my standards, but if I meet a man who checks all my boxes and whatnot, I'd honestly go crazy for him, too.

I'm at a point where I fundamentally feel weird identifying with the concept of sexual orientation itself. I was talking to a cishet friend of mine (who has a pansexual wife) about this, and he's quite open-minded and really valued this analogy I gave:

I still hold myself to be pansexual, but, to be honest, I feel weird about labeling my sexuality specifically because I disapprove of the concept of gender itself. Even though the label "pansexual" just says that I don't regard gender, that in and of itself still involves me having a label in reference to how my attraction relates to gender.

An analogy I like to use is that I never would say something like this about earlobe type. If someone asked me "Are you into people with free earlobes or attached earlobes?" I would find it incredibly awkward to identify with a label like "panearlobeal" or something like that even though it's true—I really don't give a fuck about earlobe type!

But that's just me rambling, haha!

Labels like "pansexual" or saying sentences like "it seems like I'm pretty much near damn exclusively into women" help from a practical perspective I guess, but it really isn't anyone else's business unless they're a person who I'm attracted to and they are reciprocating. I'm not "confused" about my sexual orientation itself. I know what I like, but I'm just not someone who can find too much value in labeling it because of how I perceive the concept of gender itself.

I've been getting a similar vibe with my gender identity, in which I don't internally care to really label my gender at all, but similarly, I can find value in words like "non-binary," "androgynous," "genderless," and "transfeminine" as practical labels. In some sense, me calling myself "non-binary" has been feeling the same as if I, as a vegan, were to start calling cows "non-livestock."—it entails using language where the label is used to directly communicate misalignment with a system that I'd rather not acknowledge or validate at all.

At this point, for the most part, I've just been doing the good ol' "just call yourself queer and refuse to elaborate" thing.

Its okay to like men

tbh I feel weird about liking/saying I like women sometimes. I think sexuality can just be kind of- I guess sensitive? weird feeling? not sure exactly how to describe it- for trans people but maybe I'm generalizing too much.