I basically don't have any friends of my own anymore. The ones from high school I was never really close enough with to hang out outside school. We were just too different. Almost a decade and a half later and we see each other maybe once a year and don't talk outside of that.

College was supposed to be a place to meet new people, and I did meet a few, one of which is my current partner. But that also didn't last past college years, really.

I'm now in a different country, don't really speak the language well enough and don't really have energy or time to find new people. Plus, my introversion, social anxiety and health are only making it harder. My partner occasionally comments on me having no friends of my own, but then I look at his friend circle and want to roll my eyes. Most of his friends are from high school years, and he sees them maybe once or twice a year. There are a few he met through work, but it's easier for him because the field we work in is male-dominated. So for him it's okay, for me it sucks to be the only woman. But he doesn't hang out with any of these people on regular basis. Realistically, most people he knows are acquaintances.

I think about this whole situation frequently and it makes me depressed and bitter. I feel like even if I find new friends, I'll never be the friend, you know? They'll always have other people they've been friends with for longer and I will be either not as important or discarded later. It's been this way my whole life. Always easily forgotten and replaced.