this post was submitted on 07 Apr 2026
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Lemmy Shitpost

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I will confirm that I did it by posting “I did it” here. This will negate any need for any type of photographic or other tangible evidence because I’m an honest person and you’re horrible for suggesting otherwise.

Edit: Bunch of damn pyros in this thread.

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[–] Exatron@lemmy.world 2 points 6 days ago

Fire, and lots of it!

[–] trackball_fetish@lemmy.wtf 1 points 6 days ago

Recreate that scene from the first triple x where he fly's off the bridge but instead of a car use the mattress

[–] Tanoh@lemmy.world 76 points 1 week ago (2 children)
[–] kylie_kraft@lemmy.world 27 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] Kraiden@piefed.social 15 points 1 week ago (1 children)

g'luck op. Remember, one bite at a time

[–] FaceDeer@fedia.io 5 points 1 week ago

That'll take too long. Eat it five bites at a time.

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[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 43 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Tie it to the roof of your car, preferably a 25-30 year old subcompact with bald tires and head for the freeway. Make sure to use string, not rope, and don't waste money on too much string.

Enjoy the drive and the problem just goes away.

[–] kylie_kraft@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago (2 children)

fuck I actually did this once. I didn't tie it on, but I was driving the car and suddenly there was no mattress

[–] otacon239@lemmy.world 17 points 1 week ago (2 children)

It generally helps if you tie it on

[–] kylie_kraft@lemmy.world 6 points 1 week ago

fuck it, I'm leaving it

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[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 4 points 1 week ago

See. It works.

[–] Asafum@lemmy.world 35 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Light it on fire while it's still in your room. No need to move anything!

[–] henfredemars@infosec.pub 29 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

Just stack the new mattress on top of the old one. Problem solved.

[–] FaceDeer@fedia.io 8 points 1 week ago

The bed just keeps getting comfier and comfier over time.

[–] smuuthbrane@sh.itjust.works 21 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Take it to the country, find a 10-12" culvert under a driveway or access, pull a winch line through the culvert, attach it firmly to the mattress, winch until the mattress is all the way in the culvert, cut the winch line, and you're done.

Optional: call one of those YouTube drain clearing guys.

[–] gigastasio@sh.itjust.works 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

You’ve given this a suspiciously impressive amount of thought.

[–] smuuthbrane@sh.itjust.works 4 points 1 week ago

I plead the 5th.

And I'll be disappointed if you don't do it.

[–] Lemmyoutofhere@lemmy.ca 20 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Mail it to the Whitehouse collect.

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[–] Biffsbraincell@lemmy.zip 16 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I was at a party once where they burned a mattress, actually it wasn't really a party, just a meth heads house at night time. So you could do that.

Actually it wasn't really night time either, was it?

[–] db2@lemmy.world 13 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Everything is a dildo if you're brave enough.

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[–] ikidd@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago

Poke a hole in it and grease it up. Put it at the end of your driveway with a sign that says "Free Fuckable Mattress, first come, first serve!"

[–] Thoven@lemdro.id 12 points 1 week ago

Tear some holes in it, sprinkle in nuts, and leave in your backyard. Congratulations: you now have a rodent hotel!

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 12 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Fire cleanses all.

Best if done in the living room so your house gets all the smokey goodness.

[–] doingthestuff@lemy.lol 11 points 1 week ago (6 children)

Attach a rope to it, tie it to the back of some kind of lifted 4x4 or truck, and have a buddy drag it around through the fields while you ride on top of it.

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[–] Pirtatogna@lemmy.world 11 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Hang it on a wall as a statement piece or art with all the suspicious looking yellow stains.

--Edit--

This method has additional merit in that you don't actually even get rid of it.

[–] MacaqueAndCheese@lemmy.ca 10 points 1 week ago

Shred it to bits and smoke it through a bong on public transit

[–] MonkderVierte@lemmy.zip 9 points 1 week ago
[–] mech@feddit.org 9 points 1 week ago

Put it in a room with my cat for 30 minutes

[–] Console_Modder@sh.itjust.works 9 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] gigastasio@sh.itjust.works 6 points 1 week ago

This reminds me when I was a grad student at CU Boulder, one of the frat houses decided to get rid of an old couch by dragging it out into the street and setting on fire. Became a running joke in town for years afterward.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

Break into a neighbor's house and put it under their mattress.

[–] Denjin@feddit.uk 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Cut a hole in it and fuck it. Keep doing that with new holes until it with falls apart or rots from the inside out.

[–] BoxOfFeet@lemmy.world 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

That's fine for foam mattresses, but the inner spring type give me lacerations.

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[–] YoiksAndAway@piefed.zip 6 points 1 week ago

The West Virginia method: take it outside, lean it against your trailer, and forget about it.

[–] theuniqueone@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 1 week ago

Use it as a surfboard.

[–] Hello_there@fedia.io 6 points 1 week ago

Throw it in front of your house and leave it there. When asked by your neighbors, say "it showed up there yesterday"

[–] wildncrazyguy138@fedia.io 5 points 1 week ago

Nativity scene, where all of the characters are Barbie’s. Preferably the life sized ones. Dressed in furry costumes. Some of which should be missing limbs, heads, etc. Apply makeup liberally. Use the remaining lipstick to write “a rum pum pum pum” in big bold letters on the front side of the mattress. Place your creation out sometime mid-March for greatest effect.

If you do it just right, they take you to a place where you will get a new mattress, and where the walls are mattresses too!

[–] blimthepixie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 1 week ago

Donate it to your local indoor climbing wall

[–] depletedDefenses@fedinsfw.app 5 points 1 week ago

Throwing it into the power lines?

[–] DmMacniel@feddit.org 5 points 1 week ago

"donating it"

[–] LavaPlanet@sh.itjust.works 4 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Rip off the material, and take the innards to a metal recycling plant near you, for free. (Disclaimer, I'm assuming metal recycling places take things for free in your area)

Eta. Oops. I didn't read. I'll delete.

[–] Theoriginalthon@lemmy.world 4 points 1 week ago

Fold it length way, rope around each end. Open the middle stick a bit of wood in it......and canoe. Bonus old pillows on a stick for a paddle

[–] Washedupcynic@lemmy.ca 4 points 1 week ago

infect it with bedbugs, then leave it on the street with a free sign.

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