Transfem

It's easier to start conversations but more difficult to end them when you appear femme in my experience. Depends on your intentions, sexuality, if you "pass", and the type of bar of course. So I can't give specific advice, but I am AuDHD, so I definitely get the trouble with social etiquette, but especially when switching gender roles after learning the other side my whole life.

I don't go to bars often, but only go to ones in progressive areas like the city I live in and rarely dive bars or "singles bars". So, it's rare for me to have to deal with aggressive or malicious men that most women have to deal with in bars or anti-trans sentiments. Of course #notallmen, but when you take on the role of a woman in public you of course face the much higher threat against us than male-appearing people do, which is more just a threat of physical violence rather than drugging, rape, torture, and murder that women need to prepare for. Just know to protect your drinks, finish a drink before going to the bathroom or give it to a bartender to put behind the bar, etc. Find out ahead of time if the bar has any other safety tips that they are trained to watch for, especially in "singles bars". They're also sometimes posted in women's restrooms as well. And don't open a tab in case you need to leave in a hurry. Pay for each drink separately. Also, knowing how to shut down a conversion is a good skill. The male role is to approach which sometimes leads to frustration and aggression, and the female role is to fend off such aggression or accept welcome advances. Sucks that the society works that way, but it is what it is. Though, fortunately or unfortunately, for us neurodivergents we often actually give off that shutdown signal by accident anyway as we're conditioned to be more concise with answers. Hard habit to break. Anyway, lots of those kinds of tips on safety are the place to start if you've never been to a bar as a woman. Safety first. And of your area is not safe for trans-women, I can't help as much with that as I avoid bars at all costs in those areas, but not all of us are privileged to live in progressive places.

With that out of the way, really the best way to get people to talk to you in a bar is to appear friendly. Sit at the bar rather than a table, if possible. Arrive earlier if bar space is often full. Be sure to have a smile at all times and make eye contact with people close to you if you feel like you might want to talk to them at some point. Try to avoid closed body language like crossing your arms or hovering over and thus looking down at the bar/your drink (but keep it in view as mentioned in the safety stuff). It can be more difficult if you're taller. If someone starts to sits next to you, look up at them and if they look at you, smile and say hi or even better, use some open ended greetings like "hey, how's it going?". Being a woman and being friendly generally makes people less on guard than as a man or if you aren't smiling. And basic small talk skills like answering questions with answers that give a little information and/or end in a question will keep the conversation going a lot of the time if that's what they're also looking for. And as I mentioned don't use short concise answers that you might be used to giving as ND masking as that doesn't allow for conversation to flow. I mean don't info-dump, at least not at first, but show interest by not using simple positive/negative replies.

Anyway, it's really not that bad and I find I enjoy it way more as a woman. But I enjoy a lot of social things a lot more as a woman. LOL. Be friendly, be safe, talk, smile, stay away from politics or negative subjects, at least at first, and remember that if your fuck up, it's ok, you'll probably never see that person again, especially if you live in a decent sized city, but it's also a reason I avoid dive bars other than the sometimes conservative vibes, since they often have a lot more regulars, and I usually am not looking to become a regular. 😁

All of this might be regional as well. I live in the US, so if you don't then etiquette might be different, but overall I tried to keep it relatively universal socializing advice. If there's something in particular that you are concerned about, I can try to answer, but again I'm not a big bar person anymore and I was male appearing when I used to visit more, so my knowledge might be hit or miss. Lol

Oh girl I feel this... Don't have an answer, because all my social skills are being shy and awkward, sometimes getting lucky to fall into someone who happens to be interested in me, then spamming them with info dumps about me and questions about them and hope it doesn't end.

Eager to see what others have to say.

There are party bars and locals bars. Locals bars you show up, be polite, and wait for them to include you. You have to establish yourself as someone who comes in often.

Party bars are loud and have tons of people at peak hours and are where people tend to go to just bump into people and flirt.

Do you enjoy reading? In my youth i would often go to bars and just sit at the bar reading a book. You'd be surprised the number of people would strike up a conversation about whatever I was reading. We would typically chat for a bit and when they were done I'd go back to reading. Sometimes people would invite me to join them or when they were leaving invite me to wherever they were going next, whether it was another bar for a show or back to their place to play some magic the gathering. You aren't obligated to join them, but don't hold back if they make you feel comfortable. There is probably a place in your area that is lgbtq+ friendly and would be a great place to start.

Another option is to learn to play pool. There are several bars i know that have a pool table or two and if you comment on the game they will likely invite you to play next. Pool players always want new people to play with.

Hope that helps

♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡

Hope someone else can help as I don't go to bars, let alone drink.🙌🍀

Upvoting to help your post get replies though +1

Honestly, I'm part of the problem. I get so nervous when people talk to me in bars. I'm honestly not trying to snub people. There have been creeps, of course, but mostly people are really nice and I'm super awkward and get all flustered. But then I always wonder how to make new friends as an adult.

I feel like I have the opposite question: How do you respond to people socializing with you in bars? I feel like some people want to strike up conversations and some people want to be talked to, but they can't seem to find each other.

The key to maintaining a conversation with allistic people is to realize they are expecting you to ask questions. So put on your "I'm interested" face, smile, and repeat something they said as a question.

For example:

Them: I went skiing last weekend.
You: Skiing? Cool! Who did you go with?

Etcetera etcetera.

But to be honest after a drink or two I usually get tired and return to my usual mode of talking about a related experience I had.

so i would actually like to go to a bar myself, actually i'm planning that for the weekend. i would say:

• choose the right location. know your audience. don't try to flirt at the chess club.
• by direct and straightforward but don't push boundaries. don't make things happen that don't happen automatically.

Uhmm I used to go to the bar all the time but it was like 20 years ago, are there any particular questions you had or? I think maybe different bars would have different rules depending on if it's say a straight bar, gay, all-lgbtq+, pick up bar, dance club. Generally if someone catches your eye and you want to talk first see who they are with so you aren't stepping on any toes, but if everything looks clear just approach calmly and introduce yourself and ask them if it would be okay if you could buy they a drink. If there is something else you can mention, like their shirt or earrings or idk who you are looking at haha but whatever catches your eye that you can spring a convo from. I think buying a drink is the easiest intro in a bar of course, but if there is something else, like playing a game that you could do, that could work as well, ask if they want to play pool or darts or what have you. As long as you act decently relaxed and just go with the flow of things everything should go just fine, I know that's a lot but just reading the room and vibe if you can do that helps a bunch. Anyways, hope there was something you could use in there, Good luck!

Same boat. Terrified of socializing, desperately need it, bars seem like a good place esp in the cozy gay port town I live in.

Having a +1 is great just for confidence, don't expect to run into people.

Ime generally you want to > sit at the bar for a bit, make convo with the people next to you if you can, it's okay to butt in depending on the kinda conversation.

After a drink or two get up, do something on your feet, dance, sit somewhere else in the establishment. People are at bars to socialize, otherwise they'd be home. Don't be too afraid to say hi.

Come back and sit at a diff seat next to diff people, repeat until you get pulled into a conversation.

Glhf!! :333

Walk up to someone and compliment them.

• “I love your top!”
• “Your eye shadow is so good!”
• “Those shoes are so cute!”

If they respond enthusiastically (more than one word response, makes eye contact, smiles), ask them about it.

• “Where did you get that?”
• “What palette did you use?”
• “What brand are those?”

If they still answer enthusiastically, congrats, you’ve started a conversation. Keep it going.

Edit: It’s also entirely possible you approach someone who’s shy/nervous and their responses might not qualify as enthusiastic. Personally, I risk being annoying if I’m talking to someone who seems to be alone, quiet, or shy. Keeping the convo going a little long gives them a chance to warm up to you.

I gave up. I cant hear anyone talk when the music is so loud so i just started trying hobby based spaces.

Also i cant stand dealing with a drunk person and trying to hold a conversation.

1: Get hammered.

2: notice hot girl

3:

4: wake up next to her and go to breakfast.

Very much depends on the type of bar

I don't know how to socialize and I've never been to a bar so I probs do not.