this post was submitted on 04 Aug 2025

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Is it safe to assume the guy i went out on a date with, just wants to sleep with me? (endlesstalk.org)

submitted 2 days ago by arumi@endlesstalk.org to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world

98 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I (24F) met a guy (37M) at a party half a year ago. He’s Japanese and I am an Indian living in Japan. We talked and exchanged socials but that was about it. After that we met in several other occasions, organized by mutual friends and a lot of times he invited me to various events too. I never really thought much about it because the age gap between us is insanely high.

A week ago he asked me if I am free and would like to go to a cafe with him. He didn’t say it was a date but i kinda think it was. This was our first opportunity to actually get to know more about each other’s personal life. I asked him about his job, he told me that he handles his parent’s real estate company and is quite rich. But he feels like his job is not very rewarding so he wants to go to abroad. I asked him if he is planning to get married so he said he feels it is still to early for him to get married. Then he asked me why i am not dating anybody yet. I told him i was too busy to date anyone but now that i have found a job, I will move to a new city and look for a suitable partner there. I am also planning to have a lot of children so I don’t want to delay it a lot. He said he also wants to have many children, but he didn’t seem bothered at all with his age being much higher than mine. Anyways, i think i made it pretty clear that i am only planning to look for a boyfriend in the city i am moving to, while he said he’s planning to stay closer to his family in this city and go abroad temporarily.

He still paid for everything that we ate and asked me out on a date again.

My question is, if he knows that I am leaving this city in two months and not planning to date anyone here, then is it safe to assume he asked me out again because he wants to sleep with me? I do not want to sleep with him, i am definitely physically attracted to him because he’s very handsome but i am a virgin and i want my first time to be with a long term partner atleast.

Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.

Please help me out

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[–] lefixxx@lemmy.world 2 points 6 hours ago (1 children)

Its not crazy to wonder if he wants to have a relationship even though it can only last two months. You can ask him if he considered that a date. If he says yes then you can tell him what kind of relationship you are looking for and that it wont work for you.

[–] arumi@endlesstalk.org 1 points 5 hours ago (2 children)

Is it okay to call it a relationship if it's only two months? Wouldn't it be like some fwb thing right?

[–] starelfsc2@sh.itjust.works 1 points 2 hours ago

Eh if 2 people enjoy each other's company I think that's all that matters, I knew people who dated during just a summer program when it was only 2 months. Depends how well you think you'd handle it or if you're worried you might get too attached.

[–] lefixxx@lemmy.world 1 points 2 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago)

Depends on how much time you spend together, on how possible it is that you don't move/he moves, if it turns into a long range thing, the vibes. It's just labels anyway.

But I am talking from a European POV. In your culture things may be different.

[–] VimForTheWin@programming.dev 3 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

It's funny how people are not able to grasp why OP is concerned to be perceived as such, cultural differences I guess.

Just be safe OP, japan stalking ke liye bahut famous hai.

[–] arumi@endlesstalk.org 1 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

Thank you🥺

[–] VimForTheWin@programming.dev 1 points 6 hours ago

You work in IT?

[–] randombullet@programming.dev -1 points 6 hours ago

This age gap fails the check for me

37 / 2 = 18.5, 18.5 + 7 = 25.5

If someone that old who can't get someone around his age, but is suddenly interested in younger people... That's just someone preying on naivety.

[–] bstix@feddit.dk 11 points 1 day ago

I think it's impossible to assume anything at all. With cultural, age and gender differences, it's difficult to figure out what the intentions of another person are, unless they state them clearly. Neither you or he did that.

As a guy, I can assure you that guys do not understand subtle hints or can even logically deduce where this casual acquaintance is going from what you have already described.

You'll need to be very clear. Maybe then he will also tell or show you his own intentions more clearly.

But first you need to know yourself what you actually want to hang out with this guy for and if it's worthwhile maintaining the friendship for whatever reason. It makes sense if you have mutual interests or benefits from keeping in touch. However, my best guess based on your description of him offering a back massage is that he might have more romantic intentions than you. In that case it's best for both of you to be brutally clear and end his hopes instead of "friend-zoning" him. It might feel unpleasant, but it's crucial to be clear. If he reacts negatively, well, there's your answer.

[–] Saleh@feddit.org 7 points 1 day ago

This can't be judged well from afar imo.

My wife and i also got together two months before she was supposed to move to a different city. If people genuinely love each other, commuting and making things work is possible and people have done it before. In the case of my wife the different city didn't work out after all. When we got together it started with us trying to talk ourselves out of it, because of all the reasons why it should not work. Now we are going strong since more than 5 years.

Life reality doesn't work in terms of "now i will date and now i will find a suitable partner" or "now is not the time". People who limit or push themselves like this end up sabotaging themselves imo.

You will have to trust your guts on this. It is set that you will move. If he is serious, he will find a solution for this. If he is that rich and he is unhappy where he lives now, there is no reason why he shouldn't be able to make it work that you life in a different city. If he doesn't, then it isn't meant to be.

The age difference is an issue though in the sense that his life experience makes it easier for him to control situations and make promises not to hold up, than the other way round. This does not mean that it has to be the case. You should see to judge him by his actions, not by words.

[–] solrize@lemmy.ml 27 points 1 day ago

Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.

I wouldn't say you sound like a narcissist but this does sound immature. "He wants to sleep with you" and "he just wants to sleep with you" are two different things. It sounds to me that he likes you and wants to spend time with you, and maybe-probably also wants to sleep with you. Is that enough for you? It's enough for some people, though obviously not for everyone. Either way, talk to him about it.

[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 87 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Pretty much everyone in this thread is being dumb. The solution to your problem is this: talk to him. Literally just pick up your phone right now and text him - "hey, when we went out for coffee, ummm... I feel awkward asking this, but, was that a date?" If he says no, apologise for assuming and continue enjoying his company as a friend. If he says yes, tell him you like him as a friend and appreciate his interest, but that you aren't interested because you are moving to a different city.

[–] thermal_shock@lemmy.world 14 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Even with this, is sex that taboo? Can women not want to have sex before they leave a city? Or at all? I'm not talking about random sex, but even if for two months they hang out and have sex once or twice, so what. They're adults.

[–] shalafi@lemmy.world 2 points 7 hours ago

Apparently sex is somewhat taboo for this woman. Whatever.

Had a very similar situation with a Jamaican girl asking me out right before she moved. Made it known at work that I was hot for her, didn't want to press the issue with a coworker.

She hit me up! Great date! Had sex and the next time she was in town we hit it off again. We talked a lot in between but I was a mess, not a long-term bet, she very nicely broke it off and I understood.

[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 22 points 1 day ago

I completely agree with this in the abstract. But OP has made it clear that she is sexually conservative and doesn't want that, so I didn't offer it as an option.

[–] Derpenheim@lemmy.zip 32 points 1 day ago (13 children)

At what point can you possibly have come up with "He just wants to sleep with me"? You two went to a café, shared your current life situations and plans for the future, and left amicably. Unless youre leaving a LOT out about what he said, that is a baseless assumption.

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[–] protist@mander.xyz 45 points 2 days ago (21 children)

Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.

I'm less interested in knowing his motivation than I am in your motivation for saying yes and going out with him. Whatever is motivating you to go out with him, that is what you need to communicate, rather than just saying "I'm not going to sleep with you."

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[–] m0darn@lemmy.ca 37 points 2 days ago (2 children)

As a happily married 39 year old I look at the modern dating scene with horror. I think that he probably doesn't "just" want to sleep with you, he probably just likes having someone like you in his life. People can be complex, we construct these binaries that simplify things, reality is more complicated. If you enjoy hanging out with a person, do that. Don't lead him on just to get to go on nice dates, and also be aware that he might be a pig that does just want to sleep with you. Maybe he mentioned going on trips to try to entice you into a relationship. Don't get into a position where you feel like you owe him anything.

The age difference is pretty big but there's a lot of loneliness in the world. So maybe talk to your mutual friends, does he have a history of chasing younger women?

[–] WeirdGoesPro@lemmy.dbzer0.com 40 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Wanting to sleep with someone doesn’t make them a pig. Insisting on it does.

[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 13 points 1 day ago (1 children)

It's weird how quickly lemmy shifts from communist revolutionaries to tradwives as soon as casual sex is brought up.

[–] Feathercrown@lemmy.world 1 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

It's because nobody on lemmy ever has sex

[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 2 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

50:50 asexuals and incels. The asexuals are nicer, but the incels make better memes.

[–] arumi@endlesstalk.org 17 points 1 day ago

Thank you very much! He never asked me to go on a trip with him and honestly I would say no if he did. He offered to pay but I offered to split the bill. When he refused, I bought dessert for both of us, I hope that made it atleast subtle that I am not trying to use him for his money, in any way

[–] angelmountain@feddit.nl 13 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

Might sound like a crazy take, but if you just make sure you (only) do what you want and are clear about your intentions towards him, you should be fine.

If you want to have a drink from some casual company until you leave - do that.

If you want some steamy sexy time for one night and then leave - again, do that.

If you really like the guy and might actually consider some sort of longer relationship - guess what, do that.

Just be clear and honest, towards him and yourself. That way he can decide what he wants from you.

And as all engineers know: assumption is the mother of all f*ck-ups, so avoid those at all cost.

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