Lately it been warm enough to go outside at night, which is nice since I like to star gaze. So it's nice to start to be able to do that again without getting cold.
But it makes me miss my dog more, cw: grief
Since I would bring my dog outside with me, and this summer just going to be different without him. I can't help but think how easy it was to lose track of him since he was a walking void, if it wasn't for his white star on his chest, you wouldn't notice him in the dark.
and then this grief is making me think of my mom to, doesn't help it's mother day as well. I guess right now it just one of those moments where all that stuff just comes back.
It also just makes me wonder what am I even doing anymore. Why am I here?
spoiler mental health stuff cw: depression, suicide and why can't things just finally end. It would be nice for things to just end, but they won't. I don't really want to be here. I'm really tired. I really would like to think there just some sort of reason why I just have to keep being here, even if I don't really want to be at times. Yet if there was, things just feel unbearable, especially with lately just feeling like no one really cares about me besides my dad or my grandma.
just I dunno, I just hope something changes. well that not true, lots of things have changed, and things are always changing, albeit slowly. so maybe this won't be forever or I hope so. :::
