Emmie

She loves all the masculine things, detests pretty dresses and such. Even speaks with contempt if she sees the more hyper feminine styled people. Absolutely loves all the macho movies with 2D women serving as a background to the main brooding male. Anime is for losers and kids, well that’s maybe not super untrue but still.

To this day thanks to that I have coded in my brain that feminine things are just some stupid shit.

It feels like I had two fathers.

It’s not a big deal because hey it is what it is and I don’t know any different but seriously I only recently learned that there is nothing wrong with femininity.

Also my dad was weirdly passive person tbh, never seen anyone this timid and my mom used to say “he is the only one that can stand me, that’s why I chose him” which honestly in retrospection is kinda a red flag lol. I mean I love her but like maybe we weren’t the most normal family hm

She is probably “not like the other girls” at the very least but there are more interesting things about her which I won’t mention to not darken the light of day nor traumatise my dear readers (animal abuse). Suffice to say that we are not strong at the empathetic pursuits but I intend to develop and grow these parts.

Instead of seeing my dad as a weak wimp and a doormat I have grown to love the memories of him. There is certain value in gentleness. And a pity in seeing fear and anxiety. It’s a shame he didn't manage to properly extend his wings and rise from his knees. He never cut off these invisible chains that seemed to always drag him down, muffle his voice and made him hesitate.

There are thousands like him going through life with some burden, afraid to raise the chin. Content with the minimum. Anxious to fight for what they rightfully deserve.

I guess I will too find one like this. I can already tell that I am pulled to the outcasts shy nerds because well it’s kinda cute

Usually I am a person who is generally reasonable I think and mature. However yesterday it all went 180 degrees. It all started in the morning, I already felt very energetic on that day but not in a good way so to say but in this kind of way like when you drink too much coffee and can't calm yourself.

I had to drive for an hour to my family member. While driving I already felt certain disconnection from external world as if it all was a bit foggy. Alright sometimes happens whatever, it will pass soon enough. However there was unplanned roadblock and huge traffic jam that I suddenly found myself in.

Stuck in it I really got restless, I couldn't find music that would soothe me. Finally Lana del ray Black Beauty. Wow I felt so high like on some drugs when listening to it. I started to think that other people stuck in traffic jam can hear what I play in the car as it was on max volume and I liked it. I thought: hey maybe I am this sort of DJ right now and should serve them something good and we will all have a good time.

Strange thinking.

I felt kinda out of it. As the traffic jam dispersed I had unreasonable yearning for drifting. Every bend I tested the limits to the wheels traction, excited what will happen if I push it too hard but my engine is too small for any oversteer. Still, my style of driving turned violent.

I managed to get to my family member even though I was bored out of my mind by an uneventful journey for some reason. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch.

Anyhow after some time with my family member it became apparent that she is a bit demented today. Okie dokie I mean you just gotta not listen to her too much and do stuff you think is good according to the plan. However she for some reason wanted to give money to certain neighbor lady that did some half assed 'repairs' in the past but never asked for money. And my old lady did go outside and gave her 85 dollars when I took a nap.

That really rustled my jimmies. I got very suspicious. Who is taking advantage of my family member? It felt like a personal attack on me and I couldn't let it slide. I must solve this and see what the heck is happening.

For some reason I took a heavy wrench into my pocket. I felt excited and sort of like finally some kind of itch is being scratched. I asked my grandma with an innocent smile who she paid to for that 'service' or whatever that neighbor demanded payment for. I got the address.

Excited, grinning I went to the address that was a very short distance from the house, smiling the whole way for some reason.

I called on the intercom 'hello I am here to see ms xyz', the staircase door opened and I stepped inside and went for the door, straight to the doorbell.

It was getting kinda foggy my reasoning and everything. I just remember I was smiling and looking very deep in the eyes and was very polite but I felt like I could do anything in that moment. Like I wanted to see some signs in their eyes, of hostility. I wanted to see something in their eyes that would make me go bonkers you know. I waited for a signal.

I don't remember too much. It was a bit of a blur but after some very strange but polite and calm conversation I have left the building. I remember feeling unsatisfied. Something was scratched but only partially. The longing was still there. I didn't care about the money. My driving didn't improve. It wasn't enough.

I kind of still feel it on the ends of my teeth like there is some kind of electricity on my palate, like a hunger maybe, but I feel like a much more reasonable and sane person today.

I think it will pass completely during the coming days and will not show itself unless some kind of weird situation arises again that will require taking care of. I think that you have to take care of your business and solve things, otherwise people will rob you and use you if you let them. It is all very personal if someone exploits your grandma while you are there taking a nap. It felt good to take care of the business but it didn't quite felt fully satisfying. There is still something unresolved here.

Don't. Just don't.

Go on a walk. Feed your dog. Maybe read a fucking book. Do literally anything else.

The coolest thing about unity is that it shouldn't be hard to transition to hdrp if I want more eye candy. I could even have two versions but I definitely need one for my m4 iOS tablet to browse galaxy as I read sw books

There gonna be epic sw battles from the top view and making buck in the galaxy as a lone smuggler and such, orbital bombardments on cities/ports, Death Star threat deleting planets until dealt with. Signature heroes flying around doing stuff for the faction that cannot die unless from the enemy heroes attacks. You will be just some lone loser finding themselves in the middle of galactic conflict, you can continue your smuggling piracy in the increasingly hostile environment or you can pick a side and get riches and fame as an imperial/rebel pilot. Mainly UI driven type of game from the top view but with a nice zoom on the battles. 3d but very restricted to a thin vertical slice and 2d movement by default so to say. you must purposefully press ctrl to mark position to fly to above the horizontal plane.

Unity dots used a lot to get all these small fighters and ai calculations on the screen and handle galactic simulation off the screen that will be probably approximated a good deal except for the nearest systems where actual singular entities will be affecting it. As soon as you jump elsewhere it will convert to approximated, statistical simulation.

There is this problem where you have to make many unique locations even though the underlying assets are the same.

I think it would be cool to solve it not by randomisation but by embodying first person perspective and throwing trash around using physics, spray walls with grafitti, use liquids, brushes and then bake it and save as complete level. Sort of 3d painting but on surfaces and uses physics so it is natural.

it would be much better than painfully placing stuff by hand and making grafitti, oil spill, dirt textures manually in photoshop with pain and torture for each corridor. You would just hop in instead and do a bit of a mess, kick some props with a baseball bat. Piss blood on the walls (optional)