Remember_the_tooth
joined 2 months ago
Article that doesn't require an email address:
https://thehill.com/opinion/criminal-justice/5224229-trump-makes-history-by-pardoning-a-corporation/
By the way, guess which company is involved with Melania Coin.
What are the chances a penguin bit him as he was trying to harass it, and this is the resultant tantrum?
One funny aspect is that it doesn't affect the penguins. Not just because they're penguins and would only blink, squawk, and flutter their wings if one tried to tax them, but more importantly, because we have zero trade with them.
"Sir, we're seeing no revenue from the penguin tarrif!"
"What's the current rate?"
"It's already at 250 percent!"
"Very well, then. Raise it to 25,000%. We'll teach those penguins a lesson in math they'll never forget!"
This actually makes slightly more sense, because we might actually send things to Mars.
I have this one for sale:
It's not great for the regular 9-to-5, but it's pretty handy for after-hours stuff.
Do we really want to know?
Abed, stop being meta! Why do you always have to take whatever happens to us and shove it up its own ass?
Can confirm. Our corgis are significantly more dangerous than I am. Doubly, so if they think you might try to clip their nails.
"Ugh. Why is this machine always sticky?!"
What's the power source?
No need to thank me
Deep beneath a private island in the Pacific, in a hidden chamber lined with gold-leafed bookshelves and quantum supercomputers, the most powerful men on Earth gathered in secret.
Donald Trump adjusted his crimson tie and sighed. “It’s not working, folks. We tried giving them money, and they just keep asking for less.”
Mark Zuckerberg, seated beside him, nodded solemnly. “I even launched an algorithm that boosted posts about universal basic income. What happened? People demanded more gig work instead.”
Elon Musk leaned forward, rubbing his temples. “I offered to give away Tesla stock. Instead, they asked me to cut costs and fire more workers to ‘boost productivity.’ How do you give away wealth when they refuse to take it?”
Jeff Bezos, pacing the marble floor, gestured wildly. “I raised warehouse wages! They organized a petition to lower them, saying it would ‘teach discipline.’”
Peter Thiel adjusted his monocle. No one knew why he wore one, but it added to his aura of sinister brilliance. “We tried funneling money through offshore charities. We even funded a secret movement that encouraged people to demand better living conditions. What happened? They begged for longer hours, fewer benefits, and harsher bosses.”
Larry Ellison sipped a 200-year-old scotch and sighed. “We’re trapped. Every time we try to redistribute our wealth, the system forces it back into our hands.”
A hush fell over the chamber.
The room’s quantum supercomputer beeped. A projection lit up the wall, showing an economic simulation. Every time they injected money into the lower classes, the populace—driven by an inexplicable work ethic—found ways to give it back. They called for “hard work” over “handouts,” praised billionaires as job creators, and tirelessly pursued policies that kept wages low and corporate profits high.
Trump shook his head. “I thought people loved winning. This is the worst deal in history.”
Musk sighed. “Maybe we should leave Earth entirely. Let them sort it out.”
Bezos frowned. “Mars colonization isn’t ready yet.”
Zuckerberg scrolled through his phone, a flicker of hope in his eyes. “What if we just… stopped trying?”
The billionaires exchanged glances.
Thiel steepled his fingers. “That would mean living with the guilt.”
Ellison drained his glass. “Or we could take the nuclear option.”
The room fell silent.
“The nuclear option?” Bezos asked cautiously.
Ellison leaned in, his voice barely above a whisper. “We... give them everything.”
Gasps filled the chamber.
“No stocks. No corporations. No assets. No wealth,” Ellison continued. “We drop it all into their laps and walk away. No strings attached. No economic structures left to maintain. Just pure, uncontrolled prosperity.”
Musk paled. “That’s madness. A complete system collapse.”
Trump grumbled. “But maybe… the greatest system collapse.”
The quantum supercomputer calculated. The answer flashed on the screen:
Projected Outcome: Billionaires’ wealth depleted. Poverty instantly eradicated. Within five years, 98% of former billionaires regain their fortunes due to economic demand for ‘strong leadership’ and ‘wealth redistribution toward the competent.’
Zuckerberg groaned. “Even if we burn it all down, they’ll just build it back up around us.”
Bezos sat heavily in his chair. “Then there’s only one solution.”
The others leaned in.
“We keep trying.”
Silence.
Then, one by one, the billionaires nodded.
It was their curse. Their eternal struggle. No matter how hard they tried to give it all away, the world would always find a way to make them rich again.
And so, reluctantly, they raised their glasses.
“To ending poverty,” Musk muttered.
“To losing,” Trump added.
They drank in grim silence, knowing that, once again, they were doomed to win.
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