chosensilence

joined 2 months ago
[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 129 points 1 day ago (6 children)

we found the main character

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 3 days ago

i truly don't think anyone understands how miserable i find living to be. i genuinely believe existence to be a cruel prank being played on me. i did not consent to exist and i wouldn't have chosen to if somehow there was a me to make that decision. if i could press a button and poof out of existence and the memories of those who knew me i would do it without hesitation. the second arrow is not a disproportionate reaction to the first because the first came from a person who actively wants me dead. when i feel the pain of being dehumanized by the state (taking away my benefits; denying me assistance) and/or those around me (voters who think i am scum), the recognizing of that fact is what causes the second arrow to land and cause even more suffering. but that is just me understanding that these people are impacting my actual life and so i am trying to understand what my future risks are like. i need to look ahead, i need to catastrophize because they are constantly working to take away everything i have and need. my second arrow isn't some kind of pity party or anxious response or depressive episode; my second arrow is me going "fuck they are trying to harm me and i need to be aware and prepared." idk it feels different here, i don't think i see it the same.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 3 days ago

unfortunately i have already went through filing for federal disability. i could not meet their requirements.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 3 points 3 days ago

not really, unfortunately. i live in a small-sized city (50-60k residents) near two bigger ones, so while we have a decent amount of resources there isn’t much specific to what i need. and i don’t have many local friends either. i do live with my partner and his mother, so i am fortunate there.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 3 days ago (2 children)

the thing is, it does let me support myself. i cannot hold down a job. i have severe mental illness that has interfered for my almost twenty year work history and being able to take care of myself has proved difficult without financial stability. this job, somehow, has what i need to be able to function. i’ve never had this before. i can’t let this one go. i just got it a few months ago.

while the medication i’m on will prevent my life from being shortened by my disease, it isn’t a death sentence when i go off it. it feels like i am trading 15-25 years of my life for being able to work. some would call that reasonable and “a part of life.”

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 2 points 3 days ago (1 children)

i’ll be honest that makes me nervous but yeah i would be willing.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 4 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (3 children)

i am extremely hesitant to share any support links out of fear i will be viewed suspiciously. i am hyper aware of how my behaviors are seen and interpreted. but i appreciate it, truly.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 2 points 4 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

respectfully, i see it differently than you. regardless of the fact that we've never had direct democracy, erosions to our democratic elections have been building for decades upon decades. the power imbalance created by the obscenely wealthy has established an oligarchy that has successfully infiltrated all facets of our government and private tech sector. i hate sounding alarmist but not enough people are talking about Peter Thiel and while yes, Trump is a primary threat, I think Peter Thiel might be the Biblical devil and i'm an atheist.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 3 points 4 days ago (1 children)

i have done all i can to reduce the cost, yes. this is the lowest i can go as i am buying directly from the manufacturer who is already offering a reduced cost.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 4 days ago (3 children)

marching isn't going to do anything, and neither are protests or peaceful demonstrations. we should be far beyond that as a people. i believe that is our only true way forward. i don't see it happening.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (4 children)

some of us experience negative events routinely. people call it "bad luck" but that implies some kind of superstition. i don't have bad luck. however, it appears i statistically experience negative outcomes far more frequently than people i personally know. it has to happen to somebody. our outcomes exist on a gradient of two probable states; positive or negative, so when you physically "do something" you become your own tool of measurement by interacting with your surrounding environment. you then "record" the outcome observed in our universe through your action: positive or negative. see? no luck. it's just math and shit.

my point is, i am what i am going to describe as quantum unlucky. i don't understand it and it just is what it is, but i am fucking cursed by this universe to experience the shittiest shit as a dumb American. i am beyond exhausted. i cannot convince myself to stay here any longer. i merely exist because i am too afraid to end it. it isn't necessarily the fascists that would do me in, because i have had a life of misery before i became aware of their existence, but they certainly have made everything more bleak.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 4 points 4 days ago (5 children)

i have $0 money saved and struggle to keep money past five days of each paycheck. i am supporting myself and my partner on one income in the non-profit sector (meaning i'm even more underpaid than usual). i can't move at the moment, but even if i could, the job i have right now is ideal and i would prefer to keep it. i have struggled my entire life to find a job i could be stable in, so this is exceptionally rare for me.

 

idk where else to post this. my state denied me coverage for healthcare and food share for “making too much,” and now since i can’t acquire insurance elsewhere since i simply can’t afford it, i’m going to lose medication that is currently treating a chronic, life shortening illness. i do not have $509 a month to spend on this drug. and since nobody in my state gives a shit about me i am simply going to go without and suffer the consequences of being unmedicated with my disease.

great.

means testing is immoral and fuck everyone who supports it. you are why i won’t be medicated anymore.

 

we are all susceptible to manipulation tactics, lies, and propaganda. some of us may be more resilient than others, some may have quite the skill at resisting, but if you are an emotionally responsive person than you are not off the hook.

in 2025, i'm sure most Americans consider themselves immune to dangerous and bigoted messaging. "i'd never support Hitler if i lived back then," they claim. but many of them absolutely would have and they cannot see it. they are incapable of making the connection.

take what we are seeing now with how the average American is responding to the rise of modern American fascism and you can easily apply it to pre-nazi Germany. the banality of evil encompasses all walks of life.

i think to myself who would be a nazi if the Holocaust were to happen in America today?

  • Joe Rogan
  • Mark Zuckerberg
  • Jeff Bezos
  • Tim Cook
  • Buzz Aldrin
  • Paula Deen
  • Kelsey Grammer
  • Zachary Levi
  • Taryn Manning
  • Kanye West
  • Amber Rose
  • Kodak Black
  • Kid Rock
  • Lil Pump
  • Sexyy Red

the potential for this list to all be nazis is unfathomably high. All of these people have supported Trump either vocally or by showing up to rallies or helping by visibly associating with the Trump campaign.

the amount of celebrity nazis we would have to deal with would become overwhelming and tiring. idk, it hit me that Hollywood would be filled with open fascists if it were acceptable.

 

I am very confused. RIP to Jesus and what an awful disease AIDS is, but.. huh???? Everything I read about this death tells me it was sudden and unexpected. Jesus definitely did not look like he was dying of anything pertaining to AIDS. Also, how does somebody even progress to AIDS in the US in 2025? Especially a rich famous hairstylist? It would be more understandable if he were underprivileged or had difficulty finding healthcare and treatment, but there's literally no way that was the case for him lol.

You're telling me Jesus had HIV for however long, didn't know about it, and then it became AIDS and weakened his immune system to the point where he died of a fungal infection? I find that incredibly hard to believe. Either he kept this hidden from literally everyone and ignored his HIV and kept all his physical symptoms a secret or this isn't an AIDS related death and the suggestion that it must've been an AIDS complication comes off as a homophobic implication.

Can anyone give me some insight? Maybe I'm missing something? I am gay and know a bit more about HIV/AIDS than the average person but what is going on here? Can AIDS develop silently and without symptoms? I hope not because that is horrifying and doesn't seem to make sense given what HIV does to the immune system. You can't hide severe illness much.

 

i have had ADHD ever since i was a child. i grew into a very depressed and anxious teenager and my mental health worsened over time as a young adult. fast forward to November 2024 when i start picking at the wounds healing on my skin. i've done this before. a lot of us have. however, this time i couldn't stop. i would pick until it bled, let it heal, and pick it all over again. then i'd move on to another spot and repeat the process. weeks turned into months and i was still picking at my skin. the areas impacted were spreading. i knew about dermatillomania and assumed i was having an episode for some reason i wasn't yet consciously aware of, but being the curious person i am i did some internet digging and learned way more than i thought i would.

it turns out that skin picking, or excoriation disorder and no longer referred to as dermatillomania, belongs to a newly described category of psychiatric conditions called "Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders." much like how there are several disorders pertaining to anxiety and depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder is a spectrum not limited to classically presenting OCD.

huh.. interesting. wait. this is a form of OCD? i thought to myself.

i continued to read more about OCD related disorders (OCRD) when i made a personally intense discovery. while there are many conditions thought to pertain to the wider spectrum of OCRD there are generally considered to be four primary disorders that are unquestionably obsessive-compulsive: body dysmorphic disorder, hypochondriasis, tic disorders, and body focused repetitive behaviors. when considering the list of wider OCRD disorders, i suffer from seven of 17 common conditions. however, narrowing it down to these few four actually makes things worse for me, because i live with three out the four disorders.

it seems i have been going about the world with untreated OCD my entire life. i couldn't help but immediately reflect over past scenario after past scenario. i spent the next several hours consuming as much information as i could about obsessive-compulsive related disorders and uncovering why i was avoidant and pathologically shy and reserved around others. i was finally finding answers that i had spent 35 years working towards. i was closing in on why i was the way i am.

when i thought i couldn't possibly learn anything more significant about myself i read that people with both ADHD and OCD have higher rates of autism than the average population. in fact, it's a good indication you have autism if you have both disorders.

oh. hm. uhhhhhhhh. fuck. i have wondered over the years if i was on the autism spectrum but never really gave it much thought. things were clicking even deeper. like with OCD i looked into autism and it was like reading a summary of my lived experiences. everything felt right. everything made sense. this is what's going on with me. it's this right here.

i was floored. the very next day i made appointments with professionals who met with me and agreed that i was likely correct and set me up with a psychiatric assessment for June. i will soon be given confirmation of what i know likely to be true: i have ADHD, OCD, and autism. and it took until my mid 30s to put it all together.

if you are struggling and still can't make sense of yourself, it isn't for nothing. this could happen to you too. keep pushing forward because the alternative is to give up. the alternative is you lose.

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