I just no longer believe that I have a future. Im 24. I studied a computer science degree, actually got a job.... except its gonna be automated by an LLM at some point. The tools are already there.
If I lose this job, everything else in my field is just gonna be AI. Its used a lot in my job and by my coworkers... its gonna be hell to compete with AI to get a job in the area.
I think what broke me is reading about open ai generating a lean proofs for hundreds of theorems. I like maths, i wont be a math researcher, but I would imagine that killing any desire to be a mathematician professionally. I understand that maths is a lot much more then just results, but for my field it kinda is just about results. A well working feature is a well working feature.
So thats my career prospects, something i was excited about, just fucking dead. Now what? I dont fucking know. I dont wanna spend another 10s of thousands of dollars in something and for that to get automated. I have no idea at all what field i could work in as a career that isnt something in STEM. Thats where my skills are. Im happyish to do other work, but I so doubt my abilities. Im autistic af, so i have no idea how ill function in for example retail, or hospo work. I hardly function at home atm.
Now feel free to comment on whether you agree with me on my analysis on future career prospects in tech fields im just some junior, but of course main thing is how I feel about it not what I think atm.
Now theres my lack of hope from climate change, and politics. I worry a great deal. The first really crushes my hope, its such a big thing.
Politics stresses me tf out as a trans women,... i worry about getting attacked both literally, and politically. Reduced access to HRT, no legal protections in the future run in my mind. Trans people are under existential threat.
CW: Suicidal thoughts (dw, not going to do anything)
I'll be honest, I do think about how comforting a future suicide is. Dont worry, not right now at all, I still have things to enjoy and experience in my life. Transitioning of course, making friends, seeing family, playing games. But, at this rate, I think ill be lucky to make 40, or even 30. I dont know, the future seems so bleak Im not sure if theres any point in seeing it. If i make it 40, or even idk 30 even, or something, I think at least I lived that. And if I decide to kill myself thats ok, it doesnt erase the good thats happened in my life, just like a natural death wouldnt.
Im comforted by suicide since it means i dont have to watch the world burn, and my life waste away into depression. Its also gives me control. I get to choose when to die, and if thats after all the good in my life has passed, so be it.
For now, I do have a lot to look forward to. Ive been socialising more, Im transitioning into a women, its been good. But that doesnt mean I have hope.