I had a 325i and it was keyed twice and pretty sure the door handle was pissed on once. And I didn't drive like a dink, unlike most BMW owners, I realized my car came stock with signal lights that worked and I used them. But that's been my experience with owning a BMW.
And I'm with you on the "smart" features. I'll be fucked if I have a connected vehicle. My 18 year old Ford pickup with hand-cranked windows and an FM radio are the sweet spot for me.