this post was submitted on 01 Jun 2025
52 points (90.6% liked)

WomensStuff

749 readers
325 users here now

Women only trans inclusive This is an inclusive community for all things women. Whether you're here for make up tips, feminism or just friendly chit chat, we've got you covered.

Rules…

  1. Women only… trans women are women, and transphobic or gender critical talk isn’t allowed. Anyone under the trans umbrella (e.g. non-binary, bigender, agender) is free to decide whether a women's community is a good fit for them.
  2. Don’t be a dick. No personal attacks, no aggression, play nice.
  3. Don’t hate on groups, hatefilled talk about groups is not allowed. Ever.
  4. No governmental politics, so no talk of Trump actions etc. We recommend Feminism@beehaw.org for that, but here is an escape from it.
  5. New accounts or users with few comments may have their posts removed to prevent spam and bad-faith participation.

founded 2 months ago
MODERATORS
 

It's literally the most natural thing in the world to equate reproductive effectiveness to worth. All life is "worth" their reproductive effectiveness. So not having sex is very relevant to our entire existence as a species.

As such, our mental faculties put a heavy punishment in the form of mental pain, i.e. "self-worth attached to getting laid", on this whole thing.

This has very little to do with societal expectations. It's simple biology. Not getting laid is supposed to be one of the worst things for an organism.

You're rationally right with what you say, but it's simply not very relevant. Rationality does not help with our most deeply rooted biological desires. The only thing that helps is getting them fulfilled, i.e. having sex."

From the Blackpill incel thread

I can't tell I'm just too ace to comprehend this. Is this a thing? Do women feel this? I argued it's more of a "societal expectation" thing and was countered with.. this.

Not saying this user is wrong, I just am having a difficult time understanding this.

"Our most deeply rooted biological desires" has me squinting real hard. Do women feel this way, too? Idk I'm absolutely confused af

EDIT: Please do NOT brigade the blackpill thread. No touch. Seriously.

Realization achieved: it's not an incel discussion thread: it's now an incel defense thread. What a fuckin' waste ffs..

all 23 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] hedge_lord@lemmy.world 14 points 3 days ago

Others have pointed out that what this person has said is both incredibly reductive and based upon false premises. I would like to point out that this person had very likely already made up their mind about it. They are simply working backwards to justify these conclusions.

An artificial construct is assumed to be both inevitable and immutable, and the person's unwillingness to look outside of these preconceptions makes it so in their mind. It is deadlock state rendering further argument ineffective. The only resolution I've found is for them to grow as a person, and that is neither fast nor forcable.

[–] MTK@lemmy.world 5 points 3 days ago

When I was young I actually had a pretty awful experience with a woman who was so sexually frustrated that she ended up manipulating me to satisfy her own desire. I suspect that this situation plus some potential childhood SA has left me with serious issues around sexual needs and the appropriate ways to handle them.

I'm not proud of it but there were times in my younger years where I didn't handle my sexual frustration properly and it ended up hurting my partners (NOT SA or anything like that, just unknowingly emotionally abusive behaviour on my part) and I had to grow up and face my own issues. I learned to handle my struggles without making it someone's suffering.

To a certian degree I understand this person, but they are taking the approach of self victimizing instead of growth. Growth is understanding that even tough it's unfair, your problems are yours to handle and you shouldn't morph them into other's problems. Sexual frustration, just like all other types of frustrations, can be managed and handled in a healthy way.

[–] flicker@lemmy.dbzer0.com 50 points 4 days ago (2 children)

It's one of those old lines men trot out around other men. They exclaim that sex is their "biological imperative" to free themselves of responsibility for their desires. It's a get out of jail free card for being a reprobate.

We evolved to have an entire hierarchy of needs. These folks use those big brains of theirs (that we evolved to continue developing as children independent of our mothers specifically because we evolved to have these conversations) to obsess over sex, and to ascribe their value to that. That's their choice. But the rest of us have ascribed our value, our existence, and our legacy to mean many and varied things independent of reproductive capability.

My advice; don't try to understand things that will only make your worldview smaller.

[–] ZDL@ttrpg.network 22 points 4 days ago

don’t try to understand things that will only make your worldview smaller.

Perfect. An absolutely perfect philosophy.

[–] iheartneopets@lemm.ee 7 points 4 days ago

"It's a get out of jail free card for being a reprobate."

Poetry.

[–] growsomethinggood@reddthat.com 20 points 4 days ago

Ignoring all other aspects of this argument, "natural" does not mean good (or inevitable)! You know what else is natural? Hurricanes! The plague! Too much sun giving you cancer!

[–] HookedSiren@lemm.ee 34 points 4 days ago (2 children)

If i can give you one piece of advice? Don't listen to incels. The very notion of being an incel is incredibly toxic and misogynistic. It didn't used to be, the woman who started the (trend? Movement?) definitely did not mean for it to end up as a rallying cry for angry men to use as an excuse to blame everyone (women) for their own issues. Incels have killed people over not getting the attention they want. They should all be on a watch list IMO.

[–] LadyButterfly@lazysoci.al 19 points 4 days ago

Totally agree. I've read a load of academic research on incels and frighteningly, most of it is their mindset not their MH. They're heavily linked to transphobia, racism, ableism, homophonic and general hatred. They're also heavily linked to violence.

Incel is a terrorist ideology IMO

[–] SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz 13 points 4 days ago

If i can give you one piece of advice? Don't listen to incels.

Oh, I don't! I just thought I was missing something here.

It legit just hit me now that you said it: that thread wasn't for discussing incels— it was for incels.

My misogynistic upbringing often makes me second-guess myself, and I just wanted to make sure I was a bit more grounded. I feel a bit better now.

God, this makes me 5000% happier to have a women's community in a male-dominated space. Thank you. 🫂

[–] p_kanarinac@retrolemmy.com 18 points 4 days ago

That person will sexually assault someone and plans to use it as defense.

[–] mmmari@lemmy.zip 6 points 3 days ago

First of all, there is some truth in what he is saying. Humans are animals too, and as such we have a biological drive to procreate, as all animals do. There is a term of reproductive success which is a measure of offspring produced. Now, this is a way of understanding population dynamics.

But as humans, ofcourse we don't feel it applies to us as we see ourselves as more than just animals. And ofcourse there are exceptions, not everyone wants to procreate, but this doesn't override it for the majority. And there are further dynamics which go further than just offspring produced, so the picture becomes complex when you bring human nature into it.

All that is to say, he is using en existing term (kind of wrongly) to support his opinion. But he fails to see beyond it. And if he sees himself as an animal, ok, let us be humans. You shouldn't concern yourself with this. This opinion, publicly stated, is unlikely to get him laid, thus defeating his self-attributed "worth".

[–] umbraroze@slrpnk.net 6 points 3 days ago

It's simple biology

That doesn't really cut it, when we nowadays have advanced biology! Like sociology (which is just anthropology, which is just zoology, which is just biology).

[–] Walk_blesseD@lemmy.blahaj.zone 20 points 4 days ago

It's just evopsych bullshit, don't worry about it

[–] ZDL@ttrpg.network 23 points 4 days ago

As someone who made the deliberate choice to not procreate, I can assure you that "reproductive effectiveness" is not in any way a measure of my "worth" to myself, nor to my SO. (He made the same choice.)

As for "getting laid" … that's basically a western, chiefly American, obsession. In Asia the obsession is "getting married" (which naturally involves getting laid, but the focus is different). I'm sure if you go around the world to different places, wherever you don't have American culture dominating and overriding local culture you'll see different such obsessions.

So basically what this incel is saying is "I'm an American". Just to put it bluntly. And worse, "I'm an American with poor impulse control and am using any Scientism" … as opposed to actual science … "I can reach for to excuse being an obnoxious boor toward women."

[–] TacoButtPlug@sh.itjust.works 5 points 3 days ago

8 billion humans on this planet. There's zero issue with a lack of species perpetuation. We're over populated. Just like a malignant tumor. We have no reason to reproduce.

[–] Maeve@kbin.earth 19 points 4 days ago (1 children)

One of the most blursed attributes of humanity is being able to override instinct, sometimes with therapeutic intervention, sometimes not.

He's basically using the "a man's going to be a man" bs excuse to behave/think this way. If boys were socialized the way a lot of "traditional values" families socialize their girls, this would pass muster as much as women saying it. And I'm not saying it's inherently wrong, just that there's a fine line between healthy and unhealthy.

[–] ZDL@ttrpg.network 11 points 4 days ago (1 children)

"Boys will be boys…" 🙄

[–] Maeve@kbin.earth 8 points 4 days ago

And so often, they are boys in men skin. Peter Pan syndrome or what have you.