this post was submitted on 05 Aug 2026
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Lemmy Shitpost

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Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

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[–] HeHoXa@lemmy.zip 3 points 15 hours ago

I see you too enjoy Taco Bell

[–] MehBlah@lemmy.world 2 points 15 hours ago

Eventually.

[–] Lightsong@lemmy.world 1 points 13 hours ago

Yes if I get some sort of stomach bug, flu or something.

[–] AngryRedHerring@lemmy.world 2 points 15 hours ago

This person is so close to realizing they're lactose intolerant

[–] Jyek@sh.itjust.works 7 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

I just generally prefer to poop naked. It just feels more relaxing. Also why I prefer to poop at home.

[–] mechoman444@lemmy.world 4 points 16 hours ago

But if you do take an emergency dookie at the Chevron you still get naked right?

[–] SethTaylor@lemmy.world 8 points 23 hours ago

Get naked? That is extremely dangerous. I always wear a hazmat suit and have a cleanup crew ready.

[–] P1k1e@lemmy.world 9 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

Naked is my preferred state

[–] mechoman444@lemmy.world 2 points 16 hours ago

I am also currently naked.

[–] M137@lemmy.world 1 points 14 hours ago

This is a very American thing, same with the "fast food (mostly taco bell) that fucks you up" meme. I'm not saying anyone outside the US never experiences this, just that it seems so much more common in the US than anywhere else. I've asked friends about this and the fast food gut wrecking and none, independent of where they're from other than the US, have experienced it enough to where they could relate to these memes.
I'm not surprised based on how shitty the food in the US is, both in terms of quality and ingredients that are illegal in most of the world.
Along with this is that very specific 'Murican obesity that makes peoples bodies look so different than same weight obesity anywhere else. It's very odd.

[–] TargaryenTKE@lemmy.world 5 points 21 hours ago* (last edited 21 hours ago)

Normally? No. Have I? Yes. Though I think those times were more because of the alcohol than the poop 😆

[–] Abyssian@lemmy.world 34 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (4 children)

When your diet consist of around 50% things that cause constipation and 50% things that cause diarrhea, you may need to perform The Ritual.

Those nights where any time you lay down to try to sleep the small excess heat from your abdomen pressed against the bed causes magma-poo to expand and press against the solid shitcrete barrier blocking everything in, sending stabbing pains throughout your gut.

You go from the toilet to the bed time and time again. Nothing happens on the toilet and the pain recedes, but as soon as you try to lay down again it comes roaring back. You can't sleep, but you can't poo.

At last you accept that you will not be getting to sleep until you defeat this demon. You go to the bathroom and strip off everything before sitting on the toilet. You must bare yourself and hold nothing back in this fight.

Sometimes you notice how your cast off clothing is laying on the floor and you remember that at times like this in the past it covered certain tiles or lines on the floor but that it isn't quite in that position right now. You adjust your clothing to into the 'correct' position. It has become part of The Ritual, and The Ritual must be observed.

You cross your arms and press them against your stomach trying to squeeze the poo out from the top. If you have enough of a gut you place your arms under the bulge, with the vast weight of your shameful love of pizza and Ben & Jerry's lifted up and out for the shower head to stare pointedly at with silent yet clear judgement.

You ask your God or the universe itself what you've done to deserve this and beg for mercy. You promise to eat better. You never want this to happen again. Ages pass. Finally a stream breaks free. The first layer of magma-poo has worked it's way through the barrier to become a weak stream of lavashit. You push and grunt and press your arms tight into your lower abdomen, the gelatinous bulk of your gut quivering in shame as the mocking shower head stares down.

The flow of lavashit helps to erode the shitcrete blockage, and eventually the dam bursts into chunks that rip your body open as they're forced out. The young and naive may celebrate here and try to return to bed, but the demon has a second phase so they will soon be back on the throne. The older and more knowing don't even consider getting up. They know the night is not yet won.

Time passes before anything else seems to happen. The next layer is more shitcrete. Fortunately, this time it's rigid inflexible nature makes it weak. Those first two layers spewing forth from the sphincter created a gap of space in the colon, and now the remaining magmapoo layers pushing against the shitcrete barriers are pressing towards that newly opened space instead of the exterior wall. Slowly, the shitcrete is defeated by it's own rigid nature. It bulges in the center until a break forms, allowing more lavashit to erode it and assist in it's agonizing passage. You know once more how it feels to give birth, but to a dark abomination of which you cannot speak to others. You may need stitches.

Eventually, it is done. The demon has been cast out. All shits have been shat. You uncross your arms and remove them from under your tubby bulk. You look to the shower head and meet it's scornful gaze with the self-assuredness of the victor. It nods slightly to accede, but reminds you that you need to keep those promises you made to all of the Gods and change your diet. It warns that if you fail again, you will be back again.

The Ritual concluded, you wipe up and put your bed clothes back on.

It's the middle of the night now. You will get some sleep, but not near enough. Tomorrow will be a long day. At some point before the end of that day you will decide you don't feel like cooking. After all, you are exhausted.

You decide to order a pizza. Maybe a taco pizza? Stuffed crust. Extra cheese. Taco Bell lettuce. That sounds delicious.

[–] ehxor@lemmy.ca 1 points 13 hours ago

Gondor calls for aid

[–] Jax@sh.itjust.works 3 points 23 hours ago* (last edited 23 hours ago)

but the demon has a second phase so they will soon be back on the throne.

Talking about it like it's a fucking Dark Souls boss. Good shit.

[–] glitchdx@lemmy.world 7 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] Abyssian@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

Thank you. I hadn't realized you could set a display name here to multiple words. That doesn't seem to have a strong filter in place at all.

[–] LodeMike@lemmy.today 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

You don't SHOWER after that??

[–] Abyssian@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

And give the shower head even more to judge and laugh about? That would kill the feeling of victory.

[–] Gloomy@mander.xyz 8 points 1 day ago (3 children)

Not in 40 years so far. I can't relate to a single post in this thread.

My personal hypothesis is that american food is so full of essentially toxic stuff, that having shits like described in this thread happen has become normalised and a shared cultural experience.

But since that is only anecdotal, i might be very wrong about that.

[–] mechoman444@lemmy.world 2 points 16 hours ago

Dawg. There is no way in 40 years of life have you never taken a naked dook. No way.

I'm sure as a child it must have happened.

And before a shower, or in the middle of the night.

I'm calling bs.

[–] dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world 4 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

As far as I can tell, this may be accurate. I've observed that we (USA) have a taboo around discussing what happens in the bathroom. I've pushed back on this and, anecdotally, have uncovered that this is all too common an experience. I wound up testing myself for food allergies and sensitivities and learned that there's a whole range of foods that my body can't handle. As I share my situation, I find more and more people that are waking up to a similar situation.

[–] raze2012@lemmy.world 2 points 16 hours ago

I’ve observed that we (USA) have a taboo around discussing what happens in the bathroom.

Is that not normal? I don't think most people are interested in how massive a shit I had last night unless it's my doctor. We also have a term of "toilet humor" to suggest that jokes around it are some of the crudest, lowest brow humor possible.

re: the post: It's rare but it's happened a few times for some particularly bad bouts. I don't think it was anything serious, probably just some slightly spoiled food or maybe slightly undercooked chicken.

[–] LifeInMultipleChoice@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Meh I think there is just a lot of strange jokes and strange people. Unless I'm in a rush, I always remove my shirt and hang it on the shower curtain rod. I do the same when I shave/trim, or cut my hair. When I shower.. I guess I just feel more comfortable in the bathroom free of such tethers.

[–] jayands@lemmy.world 11 points 1 day ago

Currently getting ready for the post-game shower right now

[–] cRazi_man 5 points 1 day ago

Not completely naked, but taking one leg out of the trousers to get a good spread and feet firmly on the floor is a luxury experience.

[–] Crackhappy@lemmy.world 5 points 1 day ago

That's called the shake shits and it's the next level of constipation diarrhea.

[–] dingus@lemmy.world 60 points 2 days ago (7 children)

Pro tip...always keep a solid (not mesh) trash can in your bathroom. Hopefully you'll never need to...but if you ever need to puke and shit simultaneously, you'll be thankful.

[–] Landless2029@lemmy.world 1 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

I believe that's called the spins

[–] dingus@lemmy.world 1 points 17 hours ago

My case was actually food poisoning. 😞 At least it didn't last too long!

[–] peteypete420@sh.itjust.works 11 points 2 days ago (3 children)

My current bathroom is pretty small, i can lean over the tub if need to vom while shitting. Thankfully that hasnt happened since some awful virus i had in the early 2000s. But ill never forget.

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[–] ScriptSage@lemmy.zip 16 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I'm lactose intolerant and love milkshakes... So yes

[–] MrVilliam@sh.itjust.works 8 points 1 day ago (6 children)

Buy lactaid tablets. They're pretty cheap, and they work surprisingly well. In my opinion, life without cheese is not a life worth living, so in that regard, lactaid saved my life.

[–] HertzDentalBar@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 15 hours ago

Yea but how else is my body going to learn who's boss? The diarrhea will continue untill morale improves.

[–] VitoRobles@lemmy.today 4 points 1 day ago

They didn't say that they wanted to solve this issue. Maybe they like it.

[–] ScriptSage@lemmy.zip 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I've used them and they help sometimes but I also just forget to take them all the time lol usually if I'm chugging a large milkshake I'm having a bad enough day that I'm not thinking a few hours ahead.

Also anyone reading this: the chewable lactaid tablets will make you want to die. They are one of the most unpleasant things I've had in my mouth

[–] MrVilliam@sh.itjust.works 1 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

usually if I'm chugging a large milkshake I'm having a bad enough day that I'm not thinking a few hours ahead.

...But you just pop one or two with your first bite. Are you taking some other thing? And my box doesn't say anything about chewing it.

[–] ScriptSage@lemmy.zip 1 points 13 hours ago

There are regular tablets you swallow and there are chewable versions. I'm just letting people know not to get the chewables.

Usually it just doesn't occur to me until I'm halfway or completely done and it's too late.

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[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 73 points 2 days ago (3 children)

I also get super sweaty and start sliding around on the sest becsuse of it.

[–] Jojowski@sopuli.xyz 48 points 2 days ago (9 children)

I once had to lay down on the bathroom floor in a fetal position between rounds. Sweat was literally dripping. What a way to feel alive whilst expecting death!

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[–] applebusch@lemmy.blahaj.zone 39 points 2 days ago (1 children)

yeah usually accompanied by profuse sweating

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