Last year my only comrade friend in town ended our friendship. I was feeling badly about our friendship for 3-4 months at that point and very resentful. I have lots of precious memories with them, they really did tolerate me when I was a lib. It helped me deprogram myself to have someone like that around.
I also felt they looked down on me. Not for my politics but my personality. I would get blamed for having bad intentions or not caring or fawning seemingly out of the blue. They had their own struggles and I was trying hard to be a good friend, too hard maybe. I never told them they would hurt my feelings until it was the end and I was angry.
I feel guilty for being resentful and not honest in those last months. For not saying, "You're being crazy right now," like they had asked me to. All of my insecurities came true and now I feel like none of my friends like me except for a small handful from our of town.
Anytime anything happens, they leave me on read when I suggest going out, they forget to take off time for my bday plans, I feel like they just pity me and I'm not a part of the group.
I know not every friend is a bridesmaid so to say. I was okay with that before. I lost both my best friendships within a season in different ways, and I've never felt close to anybody since.
I know I need new friends who are as enthusiastic as I am. I'm facing worsening and potentially deadly health problems, so I really need the support. But everybody I meet I just don't spark with. They don't make me laugh. Pretty much nobody does anymore.
Thank you for listening/reading. I needed to put this somewhere.