There is always light at the end of the tunnel you just have to want to see it. These are useless words that mean nothing to you in the moment. But do know that in the end you will come to this realisation on your own time.

Your brain will get in depressive loops and you sort of have to fake it to be able to gain the function to do thing's that move you forward. Its like when you start working out again after years of doing nothing. Its hard and sucks and you have to spend a lot of time forcing your body into a state it doesn't want to be in. Your brains elastic and it needs to be in a state other than depressed to see anything other than depression. Your brain only has a hammer as its tool right now, and when something happens the hammer is the only thing it can reach for. And at some point you do unfortunately have to make a conceeded effort to push through the initial barrier. Much like working out it doesn't get easier right away, but it doesn't get better if you don't try. The more you don't try the harder it gets later. And remember that doesn't mean it gets impossible to fix ever.

You know also look into therapy or medication, you could just be chemically imbalanced or could benifit/suffer from something else. I can guess from your personality therapy will feel stupid, a lot of it will be CBT and will make you feel like a child. Really it does help, and I wish I could sell you the idea of it but explaining it makes it sound dumb. Just remember your brain only really holds on to a emotion for 8 seconds and you have become neurotic from the traumas of life which is a natural response. Your brain keeps working in loops so when you get a emotional response your brain will dwell on it, and the more you think about it you just keep refreshing that 8 second timer keeping you in a state you can't think of alternatives. If you play league of legends its like when someone is tilting and suddenly can't play the game properly because of their mood state. Depression for me at least was partially breaking that cycle.

And listen man I don't want to come off as preachy or pretend to know or try to compare our two struggles. I just want you to know it is possible and you gotta fight for it like they made you fight your way through boot camp. And i can tell you got a lot of fight left in you, so pick yourself up by your boot straps and what not.

For anyone reading, this guy is a great example of why not to serve in a military. In case your normal human aversion to hierarchy and violence isn't enough. The abuse they put you through to shape you into something willing to kill for them (and the killing etc itself of course) has lifelong consequences.

To "redditmodssucks", you find what you look for and there's a lot that makes life worth living. Always for love, never from fear. I hope you find some peace and maybe even a little joy. Hope is real, good luck out there.