Ask Lemmy

That really depends on closeness and your personal experiences. If you're looking for things to help yourself I can talk about that. I have a history of weight based dysmorphia and at times have been unable to look at my stomach while at exactly the middle of healthy weight because my organs felt like fatness. I also have complicated relationships with other aspects of my body as well, but not at risk of disorder or anything, but insecurity nonetheless plays a role.

A casual acquaintance in normal circumstances: "that sucks buddy, honestly I think you look fine/great/whatever but not a lie" You can't help beyond being the choir of "we aren't thinking negatively about your body".

Anybody else, you can relate it to your own experiences with it of yourself or a loved one. A loved one of mine has a history of anorexia, so sometimes I'll relate to people on that rather than talking about my experiences if I don't feel comfortable with discussing it with them.

Ultimately, you need to understand where the person's insecurities and discomfort come from and to be someone they're open to help from to really help. Partners will often struggle to help beyond just showing avid attraction, but at the same time, I've had my fair share of sex with my shirt on or refusing sex because it would involve exposing my stomach.

I will say that having a friend give unusual compliments did help my self esteem in other ways. And having trusted friends give compliments can be valuable. But at the same time, unsolicited compliments about common locations of insecurity are generally not warranted and if you don't know they are they're better not said. However if someone you know is overshooting their goals to the point of concern like becoming underweight you can say something

Typically, if someone has a body "flaw", they know about it. Lying will quickly be shot down and disregarded. For example, if you tell an overweight person that they are thin, they'll know it's not true, and they won't accept it. Tell them they have a nice butt (if the context is appropriate) and they'll remember and appreciate that.

Avoid making them the direct object in a compliment.

"That outfit makes you look good" implies that they didn't look good until they put on the outfit.

"You are looking good." gives the compliment to the person, not the attire.

From personal experience going from skinny enough that people commented on it regularly to normal size:

The insecurity does not go away if you get in shape. You will feel confident a lot of the time and then the slightest emotional breeze will knock over your confidence. "The day you start going to the gym is the day you start being small forever."

You can work on your body image while your body is still not "ideal". If you wait til you look good, you'll be hot but still have body dysmorphia. Love what parts of your body you can love. Appreciate what your body can do. If you can walk up & down the stairs, be happy you can do that. Go to therapy.

One of the only things a romantic interest that ever told me that made me feel better about my body was just an unironic "You're beautiful".

Because, like, I'm a dude and was kind of desensitized to people platonically telling me I was handsome when I was clearly slumming it. But when this woman said I was beatiful I kind of believed it because she wasn't just talking about my face. It was more something she thought I was doing.

Basically I'll be riding that high the rest of my life, if you have male friends and they aren't insecure about gender then tell them they're beautiful. It feels different.

You don't mention whether that body type insecurity is justified or not. I know plenty people that think themselves ugly, or too this and too that, and it's really just in their mind. In fact, for some reason some of the best-looking people I know have a hard time accepting they are not ugly or worthless. I wish I knew how to approach that, because I am striking out trying to help.

When it comes to insecurities that are justified, I was obese, so I do have some experience. Words wouldn't have helped much, but actions would. When you have some kind of unappealing trait, people recoil from you. They won't look at you, they won't touch you, they just try to disappear from your general vicinity. Just being there and giving off the vibe that you are comfortable and happy being with me would have made all the difference.

Touch in particular. I would float on air all day if someone touched me voluntarily - shook my hand or held my shoulder, because it happened so rarely and it implied comfort with my existence.

I guess I'd try to figure out why you're worrying about your looks. Sometimes it's because you have nothing else to worry about, but you're afraid to let yourself to be too happy. Sometimes it's because you have way bigger problems outside of your control, so you're trying to fret over something you have more control over. Personally, my body hasn't made the sex any less good. What I'm saying is, your looks aren't what's making you feel bad, and if you want to feel better, you'll need to get to the root issue.

"Have you gained weight, recently?"

...

Oh, no. That would be the worst thing to say. Try the opposite of that, then.

I never really had any major body image issues, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of things I would like to change about how I look, and I'm certainly no sex symbol by a long shot, but I've always been pretty comfortable in my own skin.

But what little problem I did have pretty much evaporated when I decided to try out a nudist resort.

I think if you spend a day walking around naked people, you pretty quickly get some perspective. Most of the people at a nudist resort aren't exactly the kind of people you particularly want to see naked.

Fat, skinny, stretch marks, scars, weird lumps and bumps, piercings, tattoos, pale, tan (though certain there are more heavily-tanned people that average,) dicks, balls, tits, and asses of all shapes, sizes, and configurations, little kids, people who look like they're old enough to remember when dirt was invented (though some of that might just be all the sun-exposure,) it's all out there on display.

And none of it matters a bit. They're just bodies, we all have them, and they're all a little weird, and I think experiencing something like that in-person really drives it home in a way that just thinking and talking about it can't really do justice.

I kind of ended up there on a whim. The year before I first went to one, I did our city's naked bike ride with a couple friends (also a very body-positive experience, but understandably the crowd skews a bit younger and fitter because bike ride) and had a blast riding around in our underwear with them.

The next year we couldn't make it because of our schedules, but in searching for other things to do we stumbled onto something happening at this resort that sounded fun, so we went for it, and enjoyed it. We've talked a couple other people into joining us and they've also had a great time once they get over the initial shock of being naked around other naked people.

Also what really sold me on it was when we first arrived, I got there a bit before my friends. It was one of those hot, humid days where the moment you step outside you're immediately drenched in sweat and your clothes start sticking to you.

I had kind of figured I'd set my tent up first then take my clothes off so that I'd have somewhere to put them, but after barely getting my tent unpacked I was already drenched in sweat and feeling gross, and the lightbulb went off in my head "just take your clothes off dumbass) and so I did. I was dressed pretty appropriately for the weather, but even still that made a world of difference, so by the time my friends showed up I was already sold and walked over to greet them naked, which I think also helped to put them at ease with the situation.

Highlight the good. Usually one part sticks out, thighs biceps and say dam you do X?

Then have em share what sports if any and make em try stuff. Make them stand on a skateboard or do stuff that makes em feel like a kid. A fat person can jump rope and sometimes we forget that.

"We all decompose the same way"

My go to logical line is to point out the absurd number of people there are.

“I’m fat.”

“There are literally millions of people in the world who wish they were your weight and there are millions more that are way heavier than you. You’re doing alright, be nicer to yourself.”

Sure two million is technically a small rounding error in a population of eight billion, but it’s true enough. I guess this wouldn’t work in some extreme cases, but I’ve had decent success with it.

I don’t have any canned emotional points though. To connect with someone emotionally you have to let them know they’re heard and understood and try to relate your own experiences if you can.