don't forget "make everyone and everything around me smell like shit as well"
this post was submitted on 26 Jun 2025
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Also: DIY roofing.
My wife and my 10th anniversary is coming up this year. She quit smoking before we got married. Years later I told her how proud I was of her quitting because it would have been a requirement of mine before saying our vows.
5 years ago she started smoking again when her father died of COVID. I was patient with her in the beginning but I have become increasingly frustrated with her unwillingness to quit. We have been looking forward to a 10th anniversary vow renewal but I told her I won't do it unless she quits. I told her I wouldn't have married a smoker. I will not remarry her while she is a smoker.
Am I being an asshole here?
Cigarettes are about as addictive as Heroin, so it's not just a matter of "doesn't want to quit", which makes you an asshole if you only apply pressure and don't try to help instead, but i don't know what you've tried.
My personal advice would be to try to get her to start vaping instead, at least as an intermediate step. It's far less unhealthy, doesn't smell awful, and you can taper off the nicotine over time, reducing the addictiveness.
Don't go for disposables, get her a nice mod kit with at least 10 replacement coils (a newbie tends to kill them fast!) and 2-3 sets of batteries (and a charger for them), and go flavour shopping with her. Depending on the smoking habit either go for nic salts when you need a high nic strength (for heavy smokers/chain smokers) or go for freebase nicotine - difference is how much you feel in the throat, nic salts are a lot easier on the throat than freebase, so freebase is when you don't need much nicotine but the throat hit is important. I would say initial costs of about 200 bucks sound about right.
It's the only thing that got me off a 2 decade habit of a pack a day, and i tried a lot. If you have any questions, pm me!
e: an example for a pretty good and cheap beginner mod: https://shop.voopoo.com/products/drag-m100s
Yeah I'm not doing any of that. I stopped smoking 18 years ago the day I said I don't want to do it anymore. She stopped smoking 12 years ago by just not doing it any more. Quitting is a choice to feel like shit for a reason. You choose to feel like shit every day with the hope that one day you'll feel slightly less like shit. You either do something or you don't do something. There is no such thing as "weaning" off.
Now you went full Asshole. You don't want to help your wife of nearly 10 years to get off a highly addictive drug? How many heroin addicts are able to kick the habit without assistance/rehab? Like i said, the addictiveness is about the same, and making one large step is a lot harder to do than many smaller ones.
Smoking is often used as Self-medication btw. You mentioned the death of her father as the event that caused her relapse. Has she processed that fully yet?
Either you have already checked out completely of your marriage or you are telling tall tales. Help your wife and get bent with your black and white fantasy regarding addiction, it doesn't work that way. Harm reduction should be the first step taken, and i showed you how thats possible.
Edit: if it's about the cost - vaping is cheaper than smoking,where i live the difference would allow to recuperate the initial cost after about 4-6 months, depending on how many cigarettes per day were smoked before.
Fair point. Like I said I know I'm not perfect. Believe me I understand addiction. That said, there must come a day when you decide you are no longer going to do a thing. You can wean all you want, but one day you are a smoker and one day you are not. It doesn't need to be more complicated than that. Yes it will suck, but your addiction has put your comfort on a credit card. That bill needs to be paid. You will be uncomfortable but that's the price.
You don't want to help your wife to make it easier. Instead, you apply more pressure, which makes it even harder to stop. That shows that you have an understanding of addiction that reflects the shit from TV series in the 80s and 90s.
This is not the support i would expect from a spouse or a friend, she might be better off without you if this reflects your everyday behavior towards her. There is nothing more to say.
You know, I never considered it before but you really have opened my eyes. My marriage is a sham. I'm going to talk to her tonight about dissolving the relationship. I can't believe I've been so blind. Thank you for being the light in the darkness. Maybe now we can both begin to heal.
Yes and no.
I dont know your wife or her family so pinch of salt and all. But it sounds like cigarettes are a safety blanket back before marriage, mortgages, dad was alive, kids... they dont judge, they help with stress and they give you an excuse to give yourself a 5 minute break now and then.
You arent wrong to be upset but empathy and understanding will go further than removed and guilt. Addicts are the worlds best excuse makers and the "Oh FUCK HIM" impulse is real.
They've been smoking for 5 years straight with OP openly disapproving of the situation. I'm not seeing the "Yes, you're the asshole" here. If this was for a brief period then sure. But 5 years is just beyond the pale. Half a decade of someone disapproving of smoking and they haven't found a single opportunity to quit?
It sounds like you’re putting extra pressure on her instead of just being loving and supporting, ironically making it harder for her to quit. Cigarettes are notoriously known to be hard to quit. There are always stories of addicts who quit all drugs but struggle to stop smoking. I obviously don’t know the full situation here though.
I get it 100%. The circumstances that led to her quitting the first time (a medical thing) aren't able to be replicated. Also, the circumstances of her relapse (her father's death) were sharp to say the least.
Where do you draw the line? At what point do you say, "this is us." "That is not us." ? I could just as easily turn a blind eye to hoarding. It's not dissimilar. But I refuse to live like people who live in garbage. If my wife was addicted to piles of junk, few would argue against me taking a stand against it. Pick an addiction; they all have social connotations. What if she was an abusive alcoholic? I can say no to that right? What if she was a functional alcoholic? Am I within my rights as a husband to put conditions on behaviors that represent "us"?
The family I grew up in has a zero smoking policy. I have a zero smoking policy. I love my wife, but I will never support her addiction.
You can draw your own line. I’m just saying your method might backfire. If you’re not willing to approach it another way, it might just be months of stress for both of you. Maybe not though, it could work. Everyone is different.
You and your wife are in a hard situation.
Unless you’re going about it like an asshole, no. You’re communicating, standing by your position, and setting a boundary.
She knows smoking is dangerous, she knows you don’t like it, she knows you want her to quit, she’s quit before so she knows how to do it.
Have you considered compromising with vapes? Still not as good for you as not smoking at all, but significantly healthier than smoking and doesn’t make everything smell horrific. She can get that nicotine buzz she craves with very few of the downsides. She can also then taper her nicotine content and quit that way if she decides to.
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No.
You privately set a limit with not marrying a smoker. You made that stance public years later after she had already quit. She knew about that stance. She begins smoking again. Understandable, addicts will relapse. However, relapsing for 5 years straight? When you know it bothers your partner and ACTIVELY contributes to not just a detriment to their health but yours as well? They haven't found a single opportunity to quit? Even for a brief period.
They're the asshole. If this was for a year, nah. Needs more information. But 5 YEARS STRAIGHT? She's not respecting your boundaries or your health.
Lol. Neither of them are assholes. He decided to stick around for 5 years. He wants her to quit, she probably wants him to be more accepting. He could have left 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 year ago given that he’s upset she’s not trying hard enough.
People smoke for all kinds of reasons. Her dad’s death could’ve triggered some intense mental health issues. You don’t know. Who’s to say she didn’t try a few times?
She's not an asshole lmao, she’s struggling with addiction and likely mental health issues. Neither is he for having these boundaries. It’s up to him to just leave.
This issue isn't rising to the point of leaving. There is nothing in the world that would make me leave her. I disapprove of her decision to keep smoking. I am disappointed that she knows how to quit and refuses to do so again. There is definitely an issue here, but at the end of the day I can't and won't force her to do anything. I am definitely not without my faults too. It pisses me off, but I'm not going to go all high horse on her.
But honestly, I don't know what to do about it. I do have a low level resentment about it, but we really do have a great relationship otherwise.
I don't know what to do about it.
-
Roll over. Do nothing. Accept that your wife is an addict and doesn't care enough about you to even try to quit smoking when you've made it an issue.
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Pester her to quit.
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Ask for couples therapy.
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Seperate/Divorce
Those are literally your only options. You do nothing or you do something. In either case, you've got to address it if you want to do anything about it.
We really do have a great relationship otherwise
Do you? You said that you wouldn't have married a smoker and you still refuse to. She is relying on a crutch that is killing her and causing harm to your own health. You've asked her to do something about it. She won't. This isn't like her passtime is knitting or something. It's a money sink that is detrimental to the health of everyone involved and everyone around it. She's more willing to poison herself than even consider quitting. Is it really a great relationship if someone isn't willing to change to protect themselves, their health and your health?
She spent 5 years without attempting to make headway on something that is disgusting, makes the area smell disgusting, makes her smell disgusting, will stain skin and teeth, harms her and reduces her life span, harms her partner and reduces his lifepan when he DOESN'T CONSENT, and harms their relationship. She is UNQUESTIONABLY an asshole. You do not have a leg to stand on. Your arguments are just "Oh but she might need it to cope."
I don't care.
She is an addict and is refusing to budge. As someone who went from a pack every two days to nothing, and as someone who went from drinking half a pint of vodka everyday to nothing, I can categorically say she is an asshole. If she is outright refusing, as OP said, then she is in the wrong. She is choosing addiction over her relationship. She's not just an asshole. She's a horrible person and her love for OP is genuinely questionable.
You do not get a pass from being an asshole simply because you have an addiction. At first? Sure. But she has been doing it for 5 YEARS and after being talked to about it she's doing nothing. She no longer gets the umbrella of empathy for her addiction and she should be called out for it. She's being selfish and putting her own wants over the health of everyone involved.
This isn’t a very nice comment. This user is calling the other person’s wife a horrible person and questioning her love for him. This is pretty rude and out of place. He is adamant on arguing that someone’s wife is horrible and an asshole. He is being completely dismissive of people with mental health problems statistically having trouble with cigarettes and is putting them all under a judgmental blanket. Enormous amount of negativity here. He is not being nice.
ill remove any comments that involve two or more commenters being rude to one another, im not going to remove comments where somebody expresses their opinion on somebody who isnt even here.
After 25+ years of smoking, I am now about 18 months smoke-free. It is 100% worth it to struggle and make the push to quit.
Do I want one every day? Yes. Do I feel like a million bucks (and have more money) since I quit? Hell yes.
Great job! Quit 5+ years ago, though I've slipped and had a couple in that time. Not buying 'em was the biggest thing. Still want one whenever I see actors smoking in a movie or show... so the craving never quite goes all the way away.
I never realized how much it makes you smell until I stopped and could immediately smell it on anyone, no matter how hard they tried to hide it.
Ex smokers can smell that shit anywhere. I can smell someone smoking on the highway if their windows are down.
I walk out of gas stations and can smell it with no one around smoking. It's crazy! Lol. Ive moved to the vape. Which is bad I know but way better than cigs. Eventually I'll quit that too, but man. Glad to get away from nasty cigs.
Today is my 2 year anniversary and I hate it. I’m a lifetime smoker through and through.
I will smoke again in the future, I’m just currently not in a place to smoke right now.
I will smoke again in the future, I’m just currently not in a place to smoke right now.
But... why?
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Hey you don't need to man. I'm the same way as you but i just have to accept that i love them and one is the same as a billion and i can't do it. Stay strong.
Good job dude
Mad impressive, congratulations :)
Stay strong dude. ❤️
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Also: transfer massive amounts of money to some of the worst companies on earth, who will then use part of that money to lobby for rules that allow them to keep suckering in new smokers, and keep killing the ones they have.
Cannot stress enough the smell like shit part. Y'all genuinely stink out loud.
I'm an ex-smoker, but I'm able to have a couple every month or two without going back full blown. One thing I have noticed is how smoking spikes your heart rate. I can look at my Fitbit data and see exactly where I smoked.
I'd heard about weight gain from quitting, which I have experienced, but I always thought it was attributed to increased appetite and not linked to cardiac activity. The stress on your heart is not just cumulative, it is acutely affective every time you light up.
Never marry a smoker who says they'll quit for you. They'll probably resent you for the rest of their lives.
I literally quit for my wife the day we met.
I was a two pack a day Navy punk. Met her at a friends house with a large group of folks, and at some point she mentioned she could never date a smoker. On the way home I picked up a pack of patches and spent the next few weeks quitting. We started seriously dating about a year later and beyond the occasional cigar/cigarette socially while drinking (like once a year if that) I've been smokeless. This was 2006.
Why would I resent her for my choice?
I think you quitting immediately after meeting her is kinda different from saying that you'll quit for the partner who already got together with you while you were smoking.
I guess I should say be careful rather than never.
Some relationships are stronger than others, and people are different.
my dad and my gram smoked all the time and i hated how even my hair would smell when i got back home :(
I grew up with smoker parents. That shit is so rank, and I grew up when smokers were extremely blasé about secondhand smoke - every room was always smoke-filled when smokers were in it, and obviously it's OK to smoke in a car with children if you open one window.
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