Ask Lemmy

I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.

My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.

That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you'll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You'll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you'll be OK. It'll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.

In time, you'll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don't have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.

Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.

Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.

BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.

I was in a similar situation about 8 years ago. Married my dream girl, she seemed perfect for those years of flirting and dating. Didn't really notice that she'd slowly separated me from my support network. After we got married it was like a switch was flipped, I was always on the defensive, everything I did was wrong, I was always the bad guy. Woke up one day feeling like it'd be better if I just wasn't around anymore. Stewed in my misery for months before realizing one evening that there was a source of my misery. Spent another couple of months feeling too embarrassed to do anything. Then one day she was giving me shit over some nonsense and I just blurted it out. It wasn't easy, but things slowly got back on track. I focused on myself and what was in my control, got back in shape, found time for hobbies I'd left behind, brought myself the joy that was missing. Now I'm happily married to an amazing woman who's provided me with an equally amazing child and it's hard for me to even remember the anguish I was going through.

Obviously our situations aren't the same, but I just wanted to share and let you know that things get better. Some friends will filter back in, some won't. Any mutual friends I had with my ex are just gone, she made sure to put barriers between us with shit talking and lies; fuck them too, they weren't true friends.

Same here. My ex husband told everyone that I cheated on him. I mean, considering the fact that nobody ever asked for my side of the story, I suppose they weren't really friends anyway.

My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it's not like they were supporting her and not me. I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life. It really sucks, and it's extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.

I still remember the look of dawning realization on my little brothers face, when he complained to me of the same lack of support from friends, as he endured a nasty divorce, and I pointed out that he had never once contacted me during my own divorce..... People who are in their own marriages, feel threatened and uncomfortable when others are divorcing. People who have never been through a divorce themselves, usually don't know how to respond. Grief is not something most people train for, or know how to deal with until it happens to them personally, so you may find more support and empathy from older friends or relatives. Don't forget to look forwards sometimes, too. There is life after divorce, even though it may take a little while to realize it.

Yeah that’s a tough one and all too common. As someone with a similar story: it’s not you.

There’s definitely a gender stereotype thing where men aren’t expected to need help, but the other side may be that they don’t know how or when to give help. I know I was certainly clueless until it happened to me. Of course I would do anything to help my buddies if they asked, but it would never occur to me to offer nor even ask. Pretty shitty, I know, but that’s what society expects. I don’t know if your friends were true friends, but is it possible they don’t know what to do?

I’m happy you have a counselor so there’s at least one person there for you. It’ll take time but stick with it. You can do it.

For me I had my kids. I try not to lean on them but definitely still have my life organized around them, so the worst of the divorce may still be ahead of me when they’re in college this fall and it hits me I have no one. It’s also really helped to have my ex’s dog. I warned her she was not in a place to care for a dog but she got one anyway. Works pretty well for me: I’m not home enough to care for a dog, but we effectively have joint custody so I get the dog when I am home. I’ve been somewhat successful starting new hobbies but as an introvert I haven’t been able to turn it into new social connections. Yet.

Hopefully there’s something encouraging in there for you, or at least know that it’s not just you

They're not friends, they're acquaintances at best.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, hopefully you can find some better people to put your energy into. If not, Lemmy is a pretty supportive place. Sometimes strangers are nicer than friends.

You need to find a new circle. Pick up a new hobby with a community. Kung Fu for me was great. Exercise aside, the classmates are supportive and the community is great.
Find one that would work for you

Those aren't your friends and never were, good people don't treat each other like this.

Your ex sounds like my ex, narcisist who is definitely playing victim behind your back.

You're still young, there's loads more out there now! I've found as I've got older the dating aspect of life is better than in my 20s . I dunno what else to say except for there's loads to live for man.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks. The truth is, nobody cares about a man's suffering. There's something in a man's weakness that repulses most people. Even people that like you and would love to see you do good. When I went through the same I realized the only people who care are close family, people who can relate and people who have some interest in you. It sucks but you must know it's not about you.

That being said you have both sides to take into account. Your so-called friends are not your friends and they never were. Period. Erase them from your life. They deserve even less thoughts than your ex. When the chips are down they showed you what they were about. Now you know how worthless they are. Some people are not as lucky and stay in toxic and superficial "friendships" for years and that stops them from finding actual good friends.

And, non withstanding all that, a depressed and sad person is not a good company. It brings you down. And that's OK because we make sacrifices for the people we love. But if the person is in a vicious cycle of negativity and always complaining to the same person, it gets tiresome pretty fast. I'm not saying it's your case, it's just something to keep your mind on. Friends should support you but only you can actually fix yourself. Usually time heals everything but, if it's not, it's your responsibility to take care of your mental health (therapist, psychiatrist, etc). There's only so much a friend can do for you. And don't put all that weight on one person. Spread it around.

And stop talking crazy about ending it. It hurts. It's one of the worst pains I ever felt. It's almost unbearable. But it does get better. And eventually you will feel whole again. It's a hard road but there is paradise up ahead. But for now you have to walk through hell to reach it. But I promise you, it will be worth every step.

Because real life isn't a movie filled with people standing by to assist the main character in the third act. People are generally shit, and you are the only person who actually cares about you. It sucks to learn this particular lesson in such a brutal way, but it's an important lesson nonetheless. Move on and make this a footnote in your success story.

Signed, another person with your exact same experience.

That sounds really tough and I'm so sorry you've been struggling. It's really good that you have a counselor and you're talking things through with someone who will help you learn how to advocate for yourself. The people in your life who were ghosting you might be a combination of shitty people and people who are afraid/uncomfortable with your new lifestyle. The only thing that matters now is tending to yourself and building a life that fits and feels right. Lots of good advice on here about finding hobbies that keep you engaged and will support you in finding new friends. If anything I'll be your friend and check in with you, so hit up my dm's anytime.

hey man, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

some people in here are taking the view that society is less kind to men than to women. everyone's entitled to their opinion, I guess.

I wanted you tell you though that I share your experience to some extent; I went through a breakup maybe 6 years ago and I lost almost all of my closest friends in that breakup. I'm not even on bad terms with my ex, lol. but it did just shake out that way. I've needed to build new roots, and I've had to do some introspection and learn how to go about building roots (partly since I'd moved to a new place).

hang in there. I don't really want to say "let yourself move on" because your story is part of who you are, and right now that breakup and that rift with those friends is such an immediate and intense part of your story, but I promise it will become much less immediate and less intense with time.

You're losing friendships by asking for support? Something's missing here...

Shitty friends.

Men are taught not to care for each other

Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.

I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.

Yeah this is what men deal with & guess what you'll be gaslit into thinking that YOU WERE THE PROBLEM all along eventhough evidence suggests otherwise.

I'm going through a divorce right now. For the most part the friends and people I've told have largely been supportive of me. I think it helped that I had friends that were my own and not shared with my ex-wife. The shared friends we had together have mostly supported her, but they were her friends before we had met. One of the things I have done since splitting is getting more involved with my hobby that is improv theater. Finding a hobby where you are around others can help with building a group of friends who know you not through your ex or past relationship. It would make it more likely that they would support you and not her.

Can you define what you were asking for in terms of support from your friends? I've not been married but I've been through some shitty breakups and I've never really even considered asking my friends for anything. Like I don't even know what they could do to help matters. I just had to deal with all the emotional stuff and move on. If anything I think a lot of them would have made the situation more toxic in their efforts to make me feel better.

I'm not asking this to tell you to get over it even though it probably sounds that way. I'm trying to understand what someone else in this situation is actually looking for that will help them. I'm sorry you're not getting what you need.

Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?

Those "two" possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.

People generally don't go around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.

I've never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it's a start.

Pretty limited information, but based on it being hard to imagine a group of compassionate people all siding with the person who did the cheating, my guess is that your "friends" probably suck. My advice isto sign up for a community college acting class and try hard to immerse yourself in it. Acting and getting involved in theatre totally cured my serious anxiety problems. There's something about it that helps you get unwrapped from yourself and want to explore other people and the world more. My other advice is don't define yourself as "the divorced guy" - especially when socializing with new people. They aren't gonna want to hear all the gory details. Dig into your personal interests and what makes you happy and focus on those things.

Because women get support for things like this while men don’t. Because equality = modern rights + old world preferential treatment.

In a variety of ways, people communicate to men, 'Please don't need anything from me, because I have nothing to give you.'

Are you ok? I cant do much for ya but sorry no one has gotten outside themselves enough to see youre hurting.

What you're going through right now is the process of discovering the phone numbers you can stop answering. The flat tires you can stop changing, the computers you can stop fixing, the lunches you can stop lending, the favors you can stop doing.