this post was submitted on 25 Jul 2025
60 points (84.1% liked)
Ask Men
1836 readers
3 users here now
A community to ask men questions and discuss any and all issues relating to them.
Unlocking Perspectives, Advice, and Empowerment for Men Everywhere.
Rules
Follow the rules of lemmy.world, which can be found here.
Additionally:
- Be respectful and inclusive.
- No harassment, hate speech, or trolling.
- Engage in constructive discussions.
- Share relevant content.
- Follow guidelines and moderators' instructions.
- Use appropriate language and tone.
- Report violations.
- Foster a continuous learning environment.
Notes
- The title of your post should contain the actual question being asked.
P.S, Would you like to help with moderating AskMen? Send a PM to the top mod.
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
I'm sorry, I'm not a man, but I do know the answer to your question. Disclosing your trans status in a dating profile is guaranteed to attract chasers. Once they realized you wanted a relationship and not just sex, they probably lost interest. I can almost guarantee it's not your fault, there's just a lot of gross men. You are a woman, it's not a lie. Disclose your trans status before meeting, but try to get to know them better first and get a sense of how they might react. You won't always get it right, and some men may respond badly, and you'll have to block them immediately. This is how I eventually found my husband.
Another option is to use a queer dating app and specifically look for t4t relationships. There are a lot of cute trans guys out there.
No way. Keep the trans disclosure in the profile, but filter chasers out post-match.
I'm not really attracted to trans men, but I do know a lot are very handsome just not my type. The thing is, I don't disclose it directly on my profile, only on that note, so the interactions are like these:
Every one of those openers is a giant red flag for me. They are reducing you to only your sexual characteristics. If they are making your trans status the number one reason to meet you, you are not going to be looking at a long term scenario. They see you as exotic and novel, not as a full person.
Maybe OP's profile is boring.
I'm very confused, I don't see where they mentioned my sexual characteristics 😭
They open with a lot of stuff related to your transness. Looks for the ones that are asking about your hobbies and such, the ones that are actually intetested in your life.
"You don't look trans" and asking if you really are, or other reinforcements of how feminine you look.
These are compliments based on your physical characteristics that they find sexual because it is from potential partners on a dating site. It is very different than a platonic friend saying the exact same words because of the dating context.
It isn't indicating anything nefarious, just a sign that they are focused on that aspect and it is most likely a fetish for them. It often means they are just looking for sex and not a relationship. If they pivot to personality and other things about you shortly after then there is a better chance they see you as a whole person.
I know it can be hard to see because it is positive attention, and can give you a sense of gender euphoria, but they absolutely are fetishizing you, and it's not healthy to engage with it.
No honestly I don't like compliments, I just have a hard time telling the difference between a fetishistic one and a normal one
I am a cis man so my perspective may be a bit, uh, lacking, but I think somebody who is honestly interested will likely move right past the entire issue. In other words, they ought to be interested in you as a person, what you like, your goals or dreams for the future, that sort of thing.
Unfortunately, a very disturbing majority of other men I have met have very deep misogyny that warps the way they think about women. A former friend once asked, without irony, if I would be offended if my girlfriend put on a noticeable amount of weight. As if the only possible explanation would be that she was intentionally gaining weight to slight me. I immediately chewed his ass out, and that was also the beginning of the end of that friendship. 🤮
That said, I wish you the best of luck. My father shared a saying with me once: people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, but we rarely know in advance which one. Kinda sounds dumb, I know, but I still think there's some wisdom in there somewhere.
Edit: And I want you to know those man-children didn't deserve a woman of your caliber anyways! ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
Second edit: from one of your other comments -
Oof! That's gotta hit you in the feels, but sounds like you're right. :(
Isn't that usually the kind of thing you discuss before meeting, or is the idea that they're deceptive?
I bet some dudes will pretend they want a relationship just to try and smash on the first few dates. Then if they like the smashing they'll keep it up til it turns to something real or they get bored. If they don't get laid they'll leave and maybe leave some halfassed its me not you response.
But I'm very upfront about the fact that I'm not a sexual person at all, which I know is a turn off for a lot of guys
But a lot of them still stay after all, I get 100 matches a day so there's very different kinds of men, I still don't understand why they leave and I think it's because they have dates with me as a second option while they're trying something with another person they like more
A lot of men have 0 sex, so you saying you have low sex drive still gives them more than 0 sex. But they would be settling for your amount of sex. If someone else can give them more, they will take that. And probably a lot of people have more sex drive than you. So they will entertain you while they have no other options, but as soon as an option with more sex drive opens up, they are dropping you.
You have to look specifically for people that don't really want/need sex, it is your obligation to figure that out.
Dating in general is a numbers game, you have to go through a lot of people to get what you want. But you have to know what you want and actively filter for it, if like right now, it seems you basically entertain everything who is friendly to you, you will have a lot of the other side canceling, not you canceling.
The no sex thing is going to be major for a lot of people. That isn’t them being shallow either, that is a strong biological motivator for the majority of the human species. It is also one of the most effective tools in a relationship for creating and rekindling intimacy.
With enough searching, you can probably find an asexual man who is interested in a purely romantic relationship, but you also can’t judge other guys for choosing someone else if you are bringing no sexuality to the table.
It seems like OP is being very upfront about it. If her matches go along with it even though they actually want a much higher amount of sex, that's absolutely something to judge them for.
Maybe I missed a comment somewhere, but the original post talks about her saying she’s trans on her profile, not that she is also asexual.
In a comment that you replied to, OP states that "But I’m very upfront about the fact that I’m not a sexual person at all", and includes a screenshot of a text conversation she has with a match where she mentions it.
The screenshot wasn’t loading for me, so I incorrectly interpreted that it was something she was mentioning on the first date. My bad.
Yes, by definition chasers are deceptive. And I'm not saying every man she's matched with so far is deceptive, but posting that information publicly is known to make a large percentage of matches behave that way.