"The ring has Bluetooth" - Tolkien

What if evil is like electricity and 1000 evilvolts of potential gets induced on the rope regardless.

You know, I guess? Worth a shot at least.

Creates faraday cage made of pumice from Mt. Doom

Harnesses power of the one ring using a series of severed fingers connected to a palantir via two blue wizards tied up in my basement.

Uses surveillance footage to release "The Burning of The Shire"

it's not mentioned having any effect while he carries Frodo up the mountain, the part where he's tempted is when he's carrying it directly, while Frodo is captured by the orcs in the Tower of Cirith Ungol.

He had feared that he would have barely the strength to lift his master alone, and beyond that he had expected to share in the dreadful dragging weight of the accursed Ring. But it was not so. Whether because Frodo was so worn by his long pains... or because some gift of final strength was given to him, Sam lifted Frodo with no more difficulty than if he was carrying a hobbit-child pig-a-back in some romp on the lawns or hayfields of the Shire.

...and so the ring did see Sam's greed, rosebushes the size of trees....and the ring was so overcome by Sam's loyalty and pureness of heart; for a moment it too wanted a garden. Against the hatred and greed of Sauron, the impurities within the ring thought (if only for a second)...

....rosebud ;)

Should have tried potatoes

Let's not go crazy here. A lion with a gun would probably be up before that much evil.

Now I’m imagining a scene where Gollum is robbing a chicken, and then attacked by a hoard of chickens from off-screen (LoZ style).

Well, I didn't want to go into all the ways Frodo was debilitated during the journey, but most evident ones:

• the Morgul-blade splinter in his shoulder that never healed, as you mentioned;
• Shelob’s sting - the extent of the physical and psycological consequences of that ordeal couldn't have been light and some possibly permanent;
• Physical deprivation, from the long months of marching, poor sleep, starvation, dehydration, and exhaustion;
• Psychological/"spiritual" trauma from the One Ring trying to erode his will, the strain of fighting against Sauron's desire to dominate that is within the ring

That luxury trip package to the Undying Lands didn't come cheap.

witch kings got a +2 sword of hobo stabbing and a literacy problem

Yep. The song is basically the "script" all of reality follows, and only Lluvatar knows the whole story.